


A Different Prisoner

by WolfDogstar



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Anorexia, Boys Kissing, Eating Disorders, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Excessive Drinking, F/M, First War with Voldemort, Gay Remus Lupin, Gay Sirius Black, Gen, Hallucinations, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Making Love, Minor Character Death, Panic Attacks, Post-First War with Voldemort, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, References to Depression, Rough Kissing, Rough Sex, Sad Sirius Black, Self-Hatred, Sirius Black having nightmares, Sirius's POV, Suicidal Thoughts, Vomiting, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-10
Updated: 2019-07-19
Packaged: 2019-10-07 19:22:50
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 48,175
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17371886
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WolfDogstar/pseuds/WolfDogstar
Summary: Remus was the secret keeper in 1981. After Peter's betrayal, he's sent away to Azkaban without a trial and Sirius is left all alone and Harry is placed with the Dursleys'. For years Sirius has struggled with the truth and now with Remus's escape from Azkaban he finds himself lost, heartbroken and more confused than he's ever been and he's forced to question everything he believes to be true.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I read a post on Tumblr by sirussly referencing to the situation and I couldn't help but start writing this. So here it is. I don't know how frequently I'll be able to update because now I'm in University :-) and it's keeping me busy. But I'll keep writing. Enjoy.

Sirius returns home on a Friday evening from his work at the Ministry, courtesy of Dumbledore because no one would've hired him after five years of not working or studying, and remembers for the fiftieth time that week that another full moon has passed by. As he stands below the shower, all sense of time lost, he wonders how long he can carry on like this; a thought that often crosses his mind; his own misery and self pity threatens to suffocate him and he wants to drown, he would be glad if self pity and misery were tangible; capable of smothering him in the dark so that tomorrow's morning light could never penetrate him. There's nothing in his life but Harry and it should be reason enough, because James and Lily and dozens of other friends and people died to protect Harry and win the war and Harry was the only good thing that survived it; so yes Harry should be reason enough for him to want to live but most days it isn't and he finds his thoughts dangerously tilting towards things Remus had healed him from.

 But that was nineteen years ago. 

Fourteen years ago, Remus had given up on him; they had given up on each other and Sirius wills himself to stop thinking and chides himself. He remembers he's standing under the shower when the water starts to run cold but he still waits a while, letting the sharp needs of ice water run over him once, hoping that it would clear him mind at least for the next few hours. He desperately needs it. 

As he puts on his pyjamas, he catches his reflection in the mirror and realizes he hasn't shaved in over a week. He'd put it off everyday, like he does most things, but it irritates him now and he hurries and shaves nicking himself in two places. 

Fuck this. 

He sighs. It's just the moon, he tells himself and feels stupid because he's not, in any way, physically affected by that particular celestial body. It's Remus, not him and that's something he thinks he'll spend the rest of his life convincing himself.  Maybe even that is a lie. Sirius knew, against all his intentions to not know, that Padfoot always felt the moon. Even when they were in school, during holidays Sirius would toss and turn in his bed, restless because he knew Moony was suffering and when he gave into his urges and turned into Padfoot, he could feel Moony and everything the moon did to him. But that connection is long dissevered and he doesn't know when that happened. He's glad too because he thinks a part of him died when that link broke and he would rather not probe into what he lost there. He wouldn't be able to bear it anyway. But the moon and the impending horror of him getting to know the next day, through an inconspicuous owl, that Remus is dead, is something that gnaws on him every month. He knows it'll be after a full moon; ever cell and nerve and neuron knows that he'll get to know after a full moon.

He sighs and washes away the blood from his chin and avoids looking the magical moon tattooed over his chest. It's been five days since the full, had he been dead, they would've discovered his body by now.

He debates whether he should wash the dishes in the sink or just drown himself in whisky and sleep. But the dishes have been there since Sunday, when Harry came to meet him. He should wash them, why aren't they smelling by now? He prefers to do it the muggle way, keeps his mind away from unnecessary thoughts. 

It's almost nine in the evening, the waning gibbons moon hangs high in the clear sky interrupted only by the soft white clouds that remind him of cotton candy and trips to muggle fairs with Remus and Lily. They both loved cotton candy. James always found it too sweet Peter only ever took a bite and he ate it only because Remus loved it; he also loved the way it would melt on his tongue and the taste of Remus sweet lips afterwards was something that still ghosted over Sirius's lips in his sleep.  

There's a low, steady wind blowing outside and it makes Sirius's wet hand shake a little but he decides he like the feel of that cold on his skin. The open window above his sink offers a view of the distant hills, dark but occasionally starry, lights belonging to homes that peak through the leaves and reach him as a reminder that somewhere out of his reach is a happy family, kids who's parents are alive, husbands and wives, sons and daughters, mothers and fathers- all of who are alive because his family, he lost everything in a war that they were oblivious of.

Bitter thought and ,on weekends, Harry are the only things that keep him company and he knows how fucked up that is because bitter thoughts and Harry are worlds apart or at least they're supposed to be but every time he looks at his godson he's reminded of what both of them lost. 

He sighs again and looks at the trees close by. They're huge, gigantic, born long before him and will probably outlast him and he simply loves how easily their branches bend at the wind, the leaves rustling reminds him of the ocean waves breaking on the shore and that trip they took in '76 where Remus had woken him up in the middle of the night and they'd sneaked out and kissed under an arm of the galaxy that stretched out over them, horizon to horizon. He still feels the ghost of Remus's lips on his, his warms fingers sneaking under Sirius's cotton t-shirt and the sweet, sweet taste of Remus...

He startles at a sudden noise. His trance is broken and he finds himself back in the present a plate lying in pieces at his feet. His immediate urge is to break the rest of the utensils as well.   
 

Fuck this shit. Fuck the thoughts in his head. Had it not been for Harry, he would've preserved his memories in jars, hundreds of them because for ten fucking years he'd lived and breathed with his friends and loved Remus with every atom in his body and he couldn't bear for them to be lost in a spell; so he would've preserved them in glass jars and hidden them for himself before obliviating himself. Oh! What sweet peace it would be; He'd be reduced to a lifeless shell, incapable of basic movement maybe, and then it would've only taken him days, a week to just fade away and die.

He washes his hand, gets himself a beer and stands gazing outside at the dark night. The usual cacophony of nightly creatures feels better than the heavy silence that'll fill the room once he closes the window and so he decides to keep it open but slips into his couch and lights up the fire with his wand. He stares at the burning embers, crackling   in the stillness of the room- _Remus  sitting on the floor, cross-legged, book on his lap, resting his face in one of his palm and slender fingers playing with the edges of the pages; James pats him on the back and Lily's blazing hair is falling back as she laughs at something James says; Remus joins in- but their laughter seems getting distant as he's filled with a melancholy he cannot quite explain_ and then he's in his present, the fire is crackling but there's something  silent and hollow that fills the space between the atoms in his body making him sad and uneasy in a way he hasn't felt in a while; like knowing something terrible was going to happen but also knowing that he wasn't alone in it. But he is; there's nothing or no one with him. He realizes there's a dirge he hasn't heard before and it seems to fill everything around him. 

"Padfoot."

Sirius drops the bottle of beer and in an instant has his wand in his hand. This cannot be happening. It's your hallucination. He cannot be here.

He looks around frantically but then his eyes fall on the open window and there's a silhouette just beyond the edge of visibility. With his hammering heart he slowly takes a step forward and the darkness moves away from him. 

"Remus." Sirius whispered unsure if he has a voice at all but there is an animalistic sound in response and Sirius sprints the next few steps, "Lumos." The light catches the shadow off guard and Sirius sees a vile, heinous face, mutilated by the demon himself fall back. He retorts back, scared and repelled and by the time he runs out of the house, into the backyard, the shadow, if at all it was there, is gone and everything is as calm as always. 

Everything around him feels a little hazy and the earth seems to be trembling or maybe it's him. It's him, he realizes when he sees his wand in his trembling hand held out, ready for attack if needed. But there's nothing there and when a snapping twig makes him jump and almost fall on the ground, he realizes he's acting paranoid-it could've been a hallucination. 

He trudges back inside the cottage, trying to make sense of what he'd just seen-who was he, or what was it? It couldn't have been Remus but the sound- he'd heard his name clearly, a name only he knew now. 

He closes shut the window; the heave silence is better than his paranoia, locks his doors and the rest of the windows with charms before sitting on the sofa again and takes a swing of beer to calm his nerves. Maybe he should cut off a little bit on the alcohol. But it couldn't have been his hallucination, he remembers the madman laughing at him from the papers on 31st October,1981, he remembers twenty years old Remus, he remembers eleven years old Remus but never could he have imagined the creature of hell he'd just seen. He couldn't believe that his mind, despite everything, could make Remus's image of that form. Something else is going on but as the adrenaline exits his system, he feels more tired that usual and before long drifts off in a hazy world in his head.

  
**

  
_He can't breathe. Merlin there's no air but he still feels poisonous fumes burning his lungs but he can't see anything._

_' Padfoot.' There's a hushed whisper, a fading plea._

_'_ _Remus.' He shouts but there's endless darkness all around and he waves his arms frantically to feel something, anything._

_And then there's a vile laughter followed by his name again. Only this time it isn't the hushed plea. It's a gruesome voice, taunting him and he knows it belong to a face he's seen before._

_But there's that hushed plea again. ' Padfoot.' A fading, tired whisper that he knows can't be rescued anymore. 'Please Remus, where are you?'_

_Both the voice call to him and the naked contrast makes him cry._

_" Please, Remus. Tell me where you are."_

_He didn't realize he's been moving but there's a faint light coming closer to him and then there's something slippery and wet under his feet and even in the darkness he knows it's blood. As the light comes closer, he sees two figure, entwined in a strange way and there's the smell of burning flesh and blood all around. One of them looks up and Sirius staggers backward; it's the same face, the evil lurking in the shadows with no eyes or nose, only a mouth to devour it's prey and then he sees Remus in his arms, his Remus, chest cracked open, blood dripping from his limp arms that look cold and dead._

_"No.." He screams. "No you can't have him.."_

_Sirius runs to them, damn the devil, he needs to save Remus but when he takes him in his arms, Remus's eyes are lifeless, face frozen in horror and there's nothing but darkness in his chest cavity. Sirius sees the devil open his mouth wide to kill him whole but hears his name in the hushed whisper, pleading voice that could belong to no one but Remus and then he looks down and from Remus's wide open mouth he hears his name, cruel and grotesque._

Sirius wakes with a wail tearing through him and turns to get away but falls on the floor with a thud, gasping for breath. His head is throbbing and vision is hazy but he can make out outline of familiar everyday items and it helps him to remember where he is. His cottage and he's alone. The fire is still burning and the crackling of the embers  warm him on the inside. He lets the tears burning his eyes fall through before he pulls himself up to the washroom and splashes water over his face and neck. As he sighs and looks in the mirror he sees that dark shadows under his eyes, his cheeks have sunken and his collarbone is jutting out more than usual. He can't remember the last time he's eaten properly, with Harry maybe, last Sunday. It doesn't matter because most days the thought of eating makes him nauseous. He mostly eats when he's with Harry. He pulls himself back to the couch and curls into himself, his eyes are still burning and he let's the tears fall down his nose and mouth. He's so very cold. 

He's suspended somewhere between the world of the living and dead when he starts hearing a distinct rapturing and is woken up as it gets closer and more urgent. He pushes himself up to find an owl pecking on the closed window urgently and his world stops for a second. Remus. Dead. This can't be happening now. It takes him a while to gather up his wits and open the window. An old grey owl flies in  and sits on his table, dropping a mug and a candle in the process but being typically unperturbed by any of it, as if seeking revenge for making it wait so long. There's a letter and a rolled up copy of the Daily Prophet that the owl is carrying. As Sirius attempts to take the letter from it's legs, it pecks him once arrogantly but flies away as soon as Sirius gathers the things from him.

He reads the letter first; there's no seal; Dumbledore's curvy handwriting is his only tell,

**_Read the news but do not act on impulse. Harry is safe._ **

Harry is safe means that there is a reason for him to not be safe and that's in the paper? Sirius hurries and unrolls the paper and his world wobbles on it's axis as he reads the bold black letters proclaiming

  
                                                                   **Escaped From Azkaban.**

 

  
Below it is a picture of Remus, 21, laughing, a laughter that's haunted and taunted Sirius for twelve years in dreams and in waking. He doesn't read anything else. He can't go beyond the picture, can't read the bits of information new reports seems to keep repeating about old cases to jog people's memory about an incident. It has after all been twelve years but he needs no reminder. Every detail is etched with perfect clarity in his memory. He sits at the table, not deliberately though; he wants to break and smash everything around him to dust, but really his legs won't move. He can't move and is forced to sit in the chair with the picture of Remus, apparently, 'the first person ever to escape from Azkaban' smiling at him, still taunting Sirius about how he'd single-handedly destroyed everyone who'd ever loved and cared for him and no one had even seen it coming.   
But there's one memory that ricocheted off the walls of Sirius's brain.

  
I _t was the summer of '75 when Sirius finally ran away from home amongst a screaming match between him and his parents, wands singeing off his name off the family tapestry, curses shot at him from his father's wand and mouth and amidst pleas and tears from his brother entreating, begging for him too give all of them one last chance and to just stay._  
 _"Please Siri." Regulus  stood at his door as he hurries and packs all his belongings in his trunk._ "

_I can't stay Reg. They'll kill me." Sirius said getting together his books._

_"Just try and be a little nice." Regulus whispered, not looking at him because Sirius knew that Regulus knew how hilarious and ill logical  that sounded._

_"You've always been  the son who lived up to their expectation. It's not me. Never have been. This should've happened  much earlier." He said waving his hand widely around his chaotic room. " I should've left earlier."_

_"But this is home, Siri." Regulus looked up, wide grey eye pleading for him to understand._

_"_ _Not to me." Sirius shook his head. " Come with me Reg. You don't have to listen to them. You don't have to joining Voldemort. You can live your life as you want."_

_"I can't. What will happen to mum and dad if we both leave?" Regulus said and it was then that Sirius thought that maybe somewhere in the deep recesses of his mind, Regulus wanted to leave too but just couldn't because he'd stolen that chance from him._

_But it was too late now. Sirius couldn't decide to stay in order for Regulus to be free. If all the cuts and bruises on him were anything to go by, they would kill him the first chance they get._   


_Four days later Remus showed up at James's, bandages all over him but he looked maniacal rather than tired when he rush into James's bedroom where he's been cooped up since he'd arrived._

_"Sirius." Remus had whispered scared, angry and frustrated at the situation. The voice was a balm of Sirius's soul, like his physical injuries and gaping wounds would start sewing themselves back together if only that voice uttered his name with such reverence and care over and over._

_That summer had been particularly hot. The sun scorched the earth and the hot air made people's nose and eyes burn like poisonous, arson fumes were rising out of earth. But that night there was a storm, thunder cracked open the sky in purple-blue hues and the rain was incessant. The continuous pattering of raindrops on the roof made it impossible to hear anything. Sirius, unable to sleep in his bed, had climbed into Remus's and Remus, though still asleep, had, out of habit, shifted and allowed Sirius space to sleep and then curled himself around him. The solid warmth of Remus's arm around him had grounded him that night._

_"Thank you." He's whispered to himself and in return, Remus had snuggled closer and groggily said, " I'm always here. Love you, Siri."_

  
When Sirius blinks his eyes because everything is hazy, he realizes he's been crying. The morning dull sunlight that usually falls on the floor of his kitchen is gone taking the morning with it. He doesn't care how long he's been sitting and can't remember if he has any work. So why the fuck would he care if another morning of his miserable, purposeless life was spent in vivid reminiscence of his past?

The knocks at his door, five of them, getting more urgent and annoyed, finally makes him move. As Dumbledore sits down on the table, Sirius choose to stand and leans against the kitchen counter. He makes no attempt to offer tea, he doesn't have the energy for the courtesy.

" Mr. Black I need to ask you, has Mr. Lupin tried to contact with you?" Dumbledore asks, his blue eyes piercing  Sirius's grey ones. Sirius knows what he's tying to do.

"No. Get out of my head." He snarls. "I would've killed him."

"This is not the time for rash decisions." Dumbledore says sternly. "If he does indeed contact you, you'll inform me and the matter will be handled by the Ministry." The finality in his words left no place for Sirius to argue.

"Is Harry safe?" Sirius asks instead. " How can I be sure that he'll be safe?"

"I have a protective detail on him and no one can harm him in his house." Dumbledore says calmly and Sirius is enraged at all the false promises he's heard over the years and been forced to believe in only to have them broken. There's been too much of collateral damage for him to believe in anything the old professor had to say.

"You told me  they would be safe and they're dead." Sirius shouts. " I cannot trust anyone other than myself to keep Harry safe. Let me bring him here and keep him safe." 

"Absolutely not." Dumbledore remains unperturbed by Sirius's outburst. "This place has no protection and you are in no state to look after a child."  
Sirius fumes but can't argue against him. He knows Dumbledore is telling the truth. Keeping himself in control for a day for Harry is different but he can barely make it through a day without panic attacks or drinking away an entire bottle of fire whiskey. " I could try. I will do anything to keep him safe." He pleads this time. " Please. I can't loose him."

"You won't. There are powers we don't understand, Sirius. Harry is safe, I promise you." Dumbledore sounds honest and Sirius has no choice but to give up.

" I can still see him tomorrow, right?" Sirius knows the answer even before he's finished the question.

"I would advice against it. I've even informed Mrs. Dursley to keep Harry in the house." The headmaster says softly.

"There's a month left for term to begin." Sirius whispers. " He'll go mad in that house." But as he says this he doesn't know if he's talking about himself or Harry.

"There's another thing, I came to talk to you about." Dumbledore says as he pulls out a piece of rolled parchment from his robes. " We need a DADA professor and I want you to take the post."

Sirius is dumbfounded. "Me?"

"Yes. You know the castle inside out, more than I, I daresay and I would like to have someone who knows all that Mr. Lupin knows not to mention that you can stay close to Harry, protect him and in case he needs to know the truth, who better than you can explain things to him!"

Dumbledore's manipulation never ceased to amaze Sirius. He'd been barred from meeting Harry for the first ten years of his life and there was nothing Sirius hadn't said or done but Dumbledore had listened to nothing, pointing out repeatedly how incompetent he'd be in his grief stricken state. Now the same man wanted Sirius to protect Harry and explain everything that would turn his insides out. Sirius would rather, he explain everything to Harry than have Dumbledore tell him a coloured version to the situation but he couldn't deny that the very though made him want to puke out the poison that has become his blood.

"All you have to do is sign here." Dumbledore spreads out the parchment that seemed to be his appointment notice and waits patiently, knowing undoubtedly that he'll do anything to protect Harry. There is no choice, never has been, everything was a cosmic map that'd already been laid out, the destination pre-determined, he would only decide the path he would take.

Silently Sirius conjures up a quill and signs the parchment. "Let me see Harry, please." He begs, the last sliver of hope for his sanity; he'd do anything to protect him.

"I am afraid he needs to stay in the house to be safe." Dumbledore rolls up the parchment and makes his way towards the road.

"Let me go and see him. I'll not take him out." Sirius follows him out till the door; his heart shrivelling, dying in his chest. "It's four weeks."

"And what if you lead Mr. Lupin straight to Harry?" Sirius flinches at the name." I believe he will try to contact you or be near you." Dumbledore turns on the spot and disapparates, not waiting for a reply.

Sirius tries to swallow the bitter taste in his mouth as he turns back into the house. He wouldn't see Harry for the next month and without that he had no intention of cleaning his house or himself. Who the fuck cares? He looked around the empty kitchen, dusk had creeped up on him and the sky, only the red-orange streaks of cloud remained, remnant of the cloudy day waiting to be over taken by the shadow. He stares out of his kitchen window for a while and sees a few light flicker onto life in the swell of distant hills and jealousy lights his nerves on fire. He gets a bottle of Ogden's out and cracks the seal open; sitting on his sofa  he takes a swing from the bottle and lets the whiskey warm up and tingle his extremities. 

_He'd been asleep for a while, at least he thought so, but something had woken him up. He tried to open his eyes to see what it was but Remus's voice softly said," Sorry, Pads. Go off to sleep."_

_But he felt a horribly stiff neck and groaned, his throat dry as well. He wanted to say something but didn't know what._

_"Come on. I won't let you sleep here." Remus fingers were cold on his skin as he attempted to pull him off the sofa and he flinched. "How long have you been back?" Remus asked._

_Sirius was more awake now. "1.30." He mumbled and even though Remus was cold, Sirius buried his nose in the crook of his neck to take in the familiar smell of comfort that was Remus for him. " I missed you."_

_"Yeah. I can see that." Remus said, tired laughter in his voice, Sirius guessed, after seeing him wear Remus's oversized cardigan._

_He was on the bed, nested in a warm blanket even before he realized and then Remus was creeping in with him, tired, Sirius guessed as he heard Remus trip four times between washroom and bed. He finally forced his eyes open and though it was dark he could make out the faint outline of Remus sitting up in bed._

_"Are you okay?" He asked suddenly more awake, Remus's breath was heavy and raspy." What happened?" Sirius sat up and tried to pull him towards himself but Remus protested._

_"I ne..need the air." He gasped._

_Sirius was out of his bed in an instant and opened the windows,  letting the crispy night air in and lit up the room in a dim light, conjured up a glass of water and sat down on the bed. Remus looked relatively calm by the madness in his eyes betrayed him. "Re, what happened?'_

_Remus took the glass of water from Sirius and drank deeply. "Nothing." He nodded his head vehemently._

_"Re, please. Are you hurt? Please say something." Sirius pleaded, his heart hammering in his chest, always assuming the worse._

_"He assigned me a mission." Remus whispered in  a sigh and lowered his head._

_"Already?" They were barely out of school, still in training and without stable jobs and no one else had been assigned missions yet._   
_Remus nodded._

_"Remus, you can't..." Sirius started but was cut off._

_" I don't have a choice." Remus whispered. "Dumbledore..I ow..owe it to him."_

_"_ _W..what?" Sirius felt the blood drain from his face and pool in a nauseating mess in his stomach. Debts to Dumbledore demanded high prizes._

_"I..got a letter from Gre..Greyback..." Remus looked up to meet his eyes once, ashamed, as if everything that'd even happened to him had been his fault and not that vile monster's and then Sirius realized, in a split second, that Remus had never mentioned anything about this before. " He wants me to join him..on his side.."_

_"Moony..." Sirius gasped, all the air got knocked out of him and he shivered, head reeling at Remus words. Surely Remus wouldn't consider this._

_"I told Dumbledore and now he wants me to.."Sirius couldn't hear Remus finish the sentence as he jumped out of the bed and started pacing, his mind screaming NO, NO, NO!!!!!!!_

_"Sirius, please." Remus voice was soft, like a whisper but Sirius would hear it even if he were dead- a tender plea, a hushed prayer that pulled at him and reminded him of Remus on a atomic level. "Please come here. I nee..."_

_But Sirius was already cupping Remus's face, kissing him tenderly on his closed eyelids, eyebrows and nose, wiping of tears from his scarred cheeks. "It's okay. I'm here." He_ _whispered as he rested his forehead against him. Remus fisted his palms around Sirius's tee and pulled him close, dropping his head on Sirius's shoulder, back heaving as he attempted to breath steady. Sirius ran his hands up and down Remus arms, whispering words of comfort._

_"I don't have a choice." Remus said softly when he'd found his breath again. " I shouldn't have told Dumbledore but it felt like a betrayal.." And it stung Sirius. How could not telling Dumbledore feel like a betrayal when Remus hadn't even mentioned it to him. But he bit back down on his words; if Remus didn't tell him there would be a perfectly good reason for it and this was the least appropriate time to question his choices. "...And now he wants me to be with them on the full moon."_   


_Sirius fumed. "NO."_

_"Don't shout." Remus said his jaws clenched, body rigid as he squared his shoulders. "This is not easy for me. The last thing I need is for you to go and start shouting at Dumbledore. I owe him everything and I'm willing to do it."_

_Sirius looked at Remus dumbfounded. The full moon was only three days away and he knew Remus was always edgy around the full moon and the way his eyes shone golden in the dim light of the room, though familiar, scared Sirius, the glint of madness in Moony's eyes is not something he'd seen before. "You've made up your mind then?"_

_"Yes." Remus sounded confident._

_"None of us will be there, not Padfoot..."_

_"That is the point. Dumbledore wants me to gain his trust." Remus sighed, shoulders suddenly sagging under the invisible burden. "I'm sorry Padfoot."_

_"No..no.." Sirius whispered. He is the last person who should've been sorry. "C'mer." He pulled Remus ,making his chin rest on his shoulders and palm over his spine." Merlin you're so cold."_

_"You're so comfy." Remus muttered, falling heavily on Sirius. He pulled the both of them down to the bed, covered themselves with a blanket and took Remus's palm between his and started rubbing them for heat; Remus, in his sleep, pushed his cold toes in between Sirius's calves making him shiver and laugh at the familiarity of it. "Love you, Moony."_

_" Pads..." Remus sighed in his dreams._

_The next morning Sirius smoked the entire time that Remus spent packing a small bag and preparing to leave for Greyback's camp. "Fucking stop it." Remus had finally said at noon when the room was practically swimming hazy with smoke. Sirius looked at him nervously. 'Don't go. Please don't fucking go' Sirius wanted to scream and break something or maybe perhaps Remus so that he would just stay put and not go to a pack of blood-thirsty beasts for the transformation. Who will look after him there? Who will heal and bandage his wounds or give him water the next morning; hold his shriving, trembling naked form? Everything secret and sacred about Remus would be bared in front of those monsters for them to see but Sirius couldn't say anything going on in his head. 'Am I not a monster, then.' Remus would say and nothing Sirius would say would make a difference. He crushed out the burning end slowly and looked up at Remus, pacing in front, nervous._

S _irius couldn't stand up on his own feet when Remus opened the door and said that he was leaving. " I'll be back on Tuesday." Sirius had to grab hold of the door frame. Monday_ _would be the full moon and then..." Remus, Merlin..please."_

_"Don't make it any harder than it already is." Remus whispered as he walked down the first flight of stairs. "I'll come back fine, I promise." With that Sirius was left standing alone at his door to live out the next four days in anxious  waiting._

_Sirius couldn't sleep any of the nights; during day he went to Auror training with James, Peter and Lily and the evenings he went back  to James and Lily's little cosy flat. They knew Remus had been sent on a mission but Sirius divulged no further details and they didn't ask questions. James would occasionally pat him in the back, reassuringly, but mostly to bring him out of his endless dead thoughts. Lily offered him beer, James offered him a joint but he declined; everything made him nauseous, he played around with  the food that they brought  home and Lily looked at him worried, nudged James to do something but James is clueless as well. They're all clueless at this point about where they fit in  in the world, in the war, the roles they have to play. Sirius left at around 8 everyday. James and Lily had just started living together. He didn't want to intrude in their lives. He could see the restless spark between them in their shared glances, fleeting soft touches and it ate away at him. What if Remus never came back? What if he never got to touch and kiss Remus again? Being alone never did him any good. He could've gone to Peter's flat; he'd been invited on numerous occasions but he didn't find that comfort with Peter that he found with James and Lily. He felt shame at certain points when he realized that his bond with Peter was nearly not as strong  as that with James or Lily, nowhere close to what he shared with Remus. Sirius realized they'd all left him behind in some ways and shivered at the thought of how he'd have survived had their places been exchanged. After leaving James's flat, he walked back to his own home but it felt cold and dark without Remus. He left the lights on everywhere, kept the music on, lit up the fireplace but nothing drowned the deafening silence that'd taken permanent residence in his veins._

_Tuesday morning he went to training and got hit four times. He was sluggish and tired, could barely see clearly after three sleepless nights and his body was sore all over. The moon somehow had started affecting him as well, although he couldn't say if it was all in his head or some aspect of magic unknown to them.  He was let go off early by a very irritated Mr. Puerce, their trainer, after a bout of obscene words had been hurled at him but Sirius couldn't hear anything above the ringing of his ears. He went back to an empty home and anxiety clawed away at him bit by bit as he waited, excruciating seconds and minutes. He had to talk to Dumbledore. Something must've happened to Moony, he should've been back by now. As he made up his mind to apparate to Hogsmeade and then walk up to the castle, he heard a faint thud on the door. As he pulled open the wooden door, Remus, leaning against the side wall, collapsed on the floor. Sirius's head reeled as he took in Remus's bloody, muddy clothes; there was blood all over him. It took him a beat to recover and think about pulling Remus up but the moment he touched Remus, the cry of agony that escaped him was enough to pull the building to the ground._

_Jesus, fuck. Sirius hurried and conjured up a stretcher and levitated Remus up and took him to their bed but Remus kept groaning. The first thing Sirius did was cast a silencing charm all over the room to prevent over-curious neighbours from asking questions. He got everything he could find in his medicine cabinet and started healing Remus's wounds. Some of them were more nasty and unwilling to heal. Sirius took care of the major gashes first; too much of magic will cause trouble; the smaller cuts can be healed the muggle way-bandages and antiseptics. The cries of pain from Remus every time Sirius touched him struck his soul. He'd never seen Moony injured so badly, not even after what he'd done in fifth year. This pain seemed raw and primal; churned Sirius's innards and left him crying, unbreathable, uncontrolled sobbing. There were claw marks on his back but Sirius couldn't be sure if they were Moony's or someone else's. He touched the soft skin around that wound and Remus groaned painfully. Sirius felt fire in his veins as he thought of a vile paw ripping off Remus's skin and how much he would've howled in pain as a result...._

  
Sirius puked in the sink, bringing out all the alcohol he'd consumed, feeling it burn his throat like poison and leaving behind a black charred mass of flesh still burning in his stomach. He gasped. He avoided thinking of this incident. It was the firs time he he'd seen, first hand, the ravages of war, the price people pay; bodies of Order members hadn't started dropping or disappearing until after a year and the memories of it gave him nightmares till date.

A slight knock on his door, jars him back to his senses.

"Sirius." It was Regulus and Sirius hesitates. He doesn't want to let his brother see him like this. "I know you're in there." But he knows that Regulus is only knocking out of courtesy. He could've walked in straight, how much ever it might've annoyed him. 

"Can I come in?" He asks as Sirius holds the door open without moving. From the way Regulus's eyes stick on him, he knows he looks worse than he feels. He moves and lets Regulus come in. 

"What do you want Reg?" He asks agitated  at the way his brother goes about making coffee in the kitchen like he fucking owns the place. 

"Well, I heard and came.." He trails off looking for sugar.

"Left, top shelf." Sirius mutters. " I don't need a baby sitter."

"You're here drinking your days away, Siri. " Regulus puts down two mugs on the table a little forcefully. " So don't tell me what you need or don't."

"Why the hell are you here?" Sirius asks again.

"I came to see you." Regulus says sincerely this time and Sirius wants to break into pieces, tiny, million pieces, dust maybe, because his emotions are over whelming him, over powering him, the gravity pulling down from his stomach, making him double over in pain and beg, plead and pray for it to just stop.

"He escaped Reg." Sirius sits down heavily on the chair, pulling his hair back harshly making strands break and come out in his hands.

"I know. I'm sorry. Sirius" Regulus sits down as well. " But.."

"It wasn't your fault Reg. None of it." Sirius says knowing that Regulus still regretted pulling him in so deep back then; without any answers or results, they'd just kept digging, one mystery after the another, one secret after the other. 

"Well it wasn't yours either Sirius.."

"Of course it was." Sirius snaps. He hates Regulus defending him against himself. " I lo...shared a bed, a life with him; he betrayed us and I didn't even see it coming. "  
"You couldn't have. Just like no one knew about our work, we couldn't have know about his. We were at war. Hiding was part of the job and we all did it good. We've been doing that all our lives." Regulus says bitterly. 

"Do you know anything about this?" Sirius asks. Regulus works at the Ministry as well and Sirius hopes he'll be able to tell him something that Dumbledore might've hidden.

Regulus nods his head. "No. The officer in charge was called because the dementors thought he might've been...dead..But the officer found the cell empty. That is all. The bars were intact, no lock broken. He just disappeared." 

Sirius takes a shaky breath. " But it was the full moon...How could he.."

"I know. I checked the calendar the moment I heard." Regulus says and hesitates.

"What? What is it?" Sirius asks as he sense his hesitation.

"The ministry has know about the disappearance for two days. They didn't want the news to leak..."

"You knew?" Sirius whispers in disbelief. " A..And didn't say anything."

"Siri, I know what it would do to you..."

"After ever full moon, I wait for a fucking letter telling me that he's dead. And you knew this and didn't tell me?" Sirius shouts, fisting his hands on the table. 

"Dumbledore told me not to." Regulus says exasperated.

"Fuck. Jesus."  Sirius grabs the coffee filled mug and smashes it on the ground. He goes and stands by  the window. " Get out of here. You're all the same."

" Sirius that is just unfair." Regulus says forcefully. " And you know it."

" You knew. You knew and I got to know in the morning newspaper." Sirius mutters to himself; looking at his reflection in the dark glass, he looks completely crumbled and incapacitated, tired and older than he's felt in a while. " How's that right?"

"Because we don't knew if he's alive." Regulus says softly and Sirius spins around to look at him. 

"What?"

"Aurors have been patrolling the entire coastline. There are traps and spells everywhere to detect him. There's nothing anywhere."  Regulus looks tied as well. 

"But you said no one knows when he escaped.."

"Yes. But full moon was on Monday. If he escaped before that; where did he transform? There are no reports of attacks or dead animals or anything really. And..I don't know, you think he could've swam to shore after a transformation?"

"The person I knew couldn't have.." Sirius turns back to look out of the window. He'd seen something or someone there yesterday. Was it Remus? Could it have been him? " So you're saying..." Sirius can't get the words out of his mouth. He would rather prefer Remus is disfigured, grotesque and vile and out for blood, out of his mind, insane; anything other than...

"I'm saying he might not even be alive." Regulus's whispered words make him shiver. For a moment he considers telling him about the events of last night but then stops himself. Regulus might call him mad, check him into rehab and that might jeopardize his chance to teach at Hogwarts and be with Harry. He wouldn't let that happen. So he swallows his words and nods wordlessly. 

"I'm just asking you to be prepared."  Regulus says. 

Sirius waits for him to leave. What more could either of them possible have to say to each other.  " So you're meeting Harry tomorrow?" His brother asks, perhaps trying to take on a less morbid topic of conversation. 

Sirius sighs. " Dumbledore barred me from seeing before school begins; thinks I'll lead Remus straight to him."

"How will you see him after?" Regulus asks confused as Sirius realizes he'd not told him about the post he'd been offered at Hogwarts. 

"Dumbledore offered me the DADA post this year." He says bluntly but the look of confusion on Regulus's face almost  makes him laugh. 

"You?" Regulus asks in disbelief. " He asked you."

" Yeah." Sirius doesn't have the energy to get offended but , really, he's completely capable of teaching Defence to students. 

"Well then get your shit together."  Regulus says. "You're great at DADA but look at you; You're a mess. How the fuck will you teach first years?"  
Sirius is really taken aback this time. " I really look that bad?"

"Come on, Siri. You were puking your liquid lunch when I came in, you stink of alcohol and Merlin knows what, this place is a mess, you have no routine whatsoever and you're not going to meet Harry for the next month. I'll be surprized if you stay sane after the last one." Sirius's innards burnt at his brothers words. They were true to the last letter and it made him feel miserable and charred; burned from the insides. 

"Just leave." He says calmly. 

"Come and stay with me." Regulus requests as he prepares to leave.

"Reg, you know I can't." Sirius scoffs. " Just go. I'll be fine."

"Siri, Please." And it was a strange Deja vu. They'd both been here before. Sirius was leaving Grimmauld Place and Regulus was begging him to stay. He'd known he would be fine then; James, his parents, Remus; they'd all been  there for him back then. He was not so sure of his words now. But what could he possible do? He couldn't go back to that dark house. If all else failed, that would surely kill him. " At least promise me you won't go looking after him."

Sirius can't say 'no'. He wishes, more than anything, that leaving his heart out of the equation will be so easy. But it has never been so easy with Remus. 

"Please." Regulus requests once more before he retreats out of the house. 

_Sirius can hear the sheets rustle behind Remus's closed curtains. He tries to ignore it. They've been fighting and Sirius hates every minute of it. They've been together for two years now and on occasions they'd spoken about moving in together after they graduate but last night , accidently, he'd let slips something about marriage and Remus has freaked. After the initial bout of ignoring each other, Remus had straight up started shouting at him for every single thing; the up coming full moon didn't help matters either. So tonight Sirius found himself barred from Remus's bed even thought he knew that Remus preferred his presence around the full moon. He heard Remus swear and decide that it was it. He couldn't stay away at a time like this. He tiptoed out of his bed and slightly parted the heavy, red curtain. Remus was curled up on his side, back towards Sirius; the sheets  wound strangely around his legs. It was October but Remus seemed unperturbed by the cold._

_"Rem." Sirius whispered, not wanting to disturb Remus in case he'd just fallen asleep. But Remus turned immediately and looked at him. " Pads.. You're awake?"_

_Sirius nodded. "You okay?" Remus didn't answer, choosing instead, to stare at him, worrying his bottom lips in between his teeth, a nervous habit, and breathing a little heavy. It was the 'I've been an ass to you and I want to take your help but cannot' face. He knew Remus wouldn't say yes. He seldom gave in in matters like these. He had to take the next step._

_"Can I stay?" He whispered and Remus's muscled relaxed immediately._

_"Please." He whispered, moving aside to make place for Sirius and curled into him as soon as Sirius got in bed. Sirius pulled him closer, placed one hand behind Remus's head and used the other one to comb out the stray hairs from over his faces. Remus threw his hand over Sirius's stomach and snuggled close._

_"_ _Everything's okay. I'm here and you're fine." Sirius whispered and wrapped his arms tighter around him as Remus whimpered._

_"Let's not fight, please." Remus's voice was low and rough enough to tug at Sirius's heart. He knew Remus was super sensitive around a full moon, more emotionally than physically and the last thing he wanted to do was make an already difficult process more tedious._

_"I'm sorry Rem. I really didn't think, okay?" Sirius whispered into his curly, soft, blond hair. "Anything you want, how so ever you want it; we'll do that okay? I'm all yours, every inch of me; I'm all yours."_

  
As these memories pop up in his head, he struggles to remember the beginning and end of the conversations. They're never complete, like dreams, intangible and he can never go back and finish the complete story. He doesn't remember what he'd exactly said about marriage that had Remus so freaked out and he doesn't remember how the night had ended. Had they fallen asleep in each others arms? Had Remus pushed him away? Had they kissed? Because he remembers making declarations of love and forever over and over again but he can seldom remember whether Remus said them back. Maybe he'd taken it all for granted back then, never paying attention to when Remus had promised something back to him; he'd assumed he'd have this forever, as long as they both live because the thought that he might've been left behind, alone, never came to him back then. He'd assumed they would all live and die together whether that would be at seventy or seventeen didn't matter to him.

  
***

  
Sirius aimlessly lays in bed the next two days, he can't remember when he's last eaten, or taken a bath, brushed his teeth or used the washroom. This was all very miserable but at the same time, he hadn't touch alcohol either. Regulus had been right. He would have to teach eleven year olds and he couldn't afford to be an embarrassment, not when he would also be teaching Harry. May be he should take out a few of his old books, go through them once. He knew all the spells but teaching was a completely different thing; but he found he couldn't move at all. Even turning on the bed made him gasp for breath. When he managed to pull himself to the washroom, he was nauseous and dizzy and even ended up vomiting the water he drank from the tap.  

_"Padfoot." Remus's voice was a soft whisper; he couldn't figure out where it was coming from. Everything was dark." Open your eyes. Padfoot!" He felt Remus's hands on his forehead and warmth spread on his skin. He could feels the gears of his body responding to that single touch. " James, he isn't waking up." Remus's voice was hoarse now, like he was on the verge of tears. No! He doesn't want Remus to cry because of him. He forces his eye lids to open but the blinding light  makes him recoil and he throws his arms over his eyes._

_"James, close the curtains." Remus says urgently. " Pads..." Remus presses his palm on his cheeks and the warmth makes him smile._

_"Remus." But he can't recognize his own voice and it hurts to speak._

_"_ _Pads..Merlin, I was so scared." And Remus's watery voice confuses him._

_"Wh..what?" Sirius tries to sit up, disoriented and his vision blurs and tilts but Remus holds him tight._

_"Slowly Sirius." A cold glass of water is held to his lips and he drinks llike he's been parched for decades. It helps him revive and slowly James's face comes to focus._

_He looks worried and it's so rare that Sirius knows something might be seriously wrong. His eyes are wide, brows furrowed and the way he keeps pulling back his hair makes S_ _irius speak up. "James, what's wrong?"_

_It takes him by surprize and he kneels down in front of him. " Nothing is wrong. Are you okay?"_

_Sirius nods. "Why won't I be?"_

_"You were groaning and withering and it seemed like you were in a lot of pain." Remus whispers and Sirius realizes that he is leaning back on him._

_"I'm fine." He looks up and Remus looks like hell. It is immediately after a full moon and Sirius can see the smalls scratches on his face, still healing and all he wants to do is pull Remus down and kiss him till all the pain is erazed from his face. " Really I'm okay." He says unable to tear his eye away from Remus._

_"Er..I'll go and get some more water..yeah." James got up and left and Sirius couldn't help but giggle. " We really should tell him about us." They'd been together for the past six months and though they both knew that James knew about them, they hadn't officially told him yet. They both wanted to keep each other to themselves for a while._

_When Sirius looked up at Remus, he wore the same worried and sad expression on his face. " Rem, I'm fine." Sirius pulls away and cups Remus's face._

_"_ _You didn't sound okay." Remus whispers and he closes his eyes and leans into Sirius's touch. " And it'd been going on for so long; you wouldn't wake up either and then I called James and I was so worried..." He's on the verge of breaking and Sirius does the only thing he can think of- He gently brushes his lips against Remus's. " I'm okay. I'm here and I love you."_

_"Sirius..."_

  
Sirius wakes up with a start; looks around confused. This isn't James's room and he isn't kissing...Remus. _Remus!!_

But then he looks around properly; this is his cottage, he is sitting on the floor of his washroom, it is '93 not summer of '75. He is.. alone..and Remus..Well Remus, despite everything, is still alive and out of Azkaban. Shouldn't he try and get some answers this time? He'd been robbed of a chance to talk to Remus in '81; shouldn't he find him and beg and plead and threaten him for answers; persuade him to not kill Harry. Remus could have anyone just not Harry; and then if Remus didn't listen, he would kill him and then perhaps himself because there is not chance in hell that he'll be able to breath ever again after killing Remus.   


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A large part of the chapter has been taken out of PoA because i wanted to keep the sequence of events intact.   
> Hope you have a good read.  
> Enjoy.

Sirius reached Kings Cross Station thirty minutes ahead of departure. He's both anxious and exhilarated about seeing Harry after a month. Even though they'd exchanged letters, they were scarce as Dumbledore's warning about Remus tracking him had haunted Sirius every time he'd sent off another owl with a letter. Sirius's patience wore thin as the minutes crosses by without any sign of Harry. Harry had told him all about the incident with his aunt Marge and how he'd run away. He had to use all his will to not run to The Leaky Cauldron and stay with his godson there. As the station crowded adding to Sirius's anxiety, he decided to board the train and look for Harry inside. Professors don't usually take the train to Hogwarts but Sirius had decided, after much deliberation, that there could be no harm in seeing Harry on the train ride. Surely, Remus couldn't follow him there. He hasn't told anyone that he's taking the train, not even Harry so there's a chance that they might've missed each other.   
Sirius went by each compartment looking for Harry or his friends but mostly received curious glances and whispers in return. He started palpitating as he neared the last few compartments. The last compartment used to be theirs' and incidentally it was the only one still empty. It was partly comforting and had he not been trying to bury old memories, he would've had momentary joy reminiscing about all the things they'd done in the compartment. But Harry was nowhere to be found and Sirius was worried. He put his bag up in the luggage rack and waited.   
He was staring out of the window when Harry's voice startled him. Heart hammering in his chest, he managed to smile and push himself out of the seat and hug Harry.   
"Sirius, you're here?" Harry said surprised but not as exhilarated as Sirius felt. " I thought..well I don't exactly know what I thought. Professors don't usually.."  
"No, no. I know. " Sirius said out of breath. " I wanted to see you."  
"Yeah, no..It's great you're here." Harry smiled, corners of his eyes crinkling the way James's used to. " I wanted to talk to you as well."  
As they sat down, Harry introduced him to Ron and Hermione. He'd heard great things about them but had never met them personally. Seeing Harry so comfortable with his friends satisfied Sirius immensely.  
"I saw the news." Harry said as the train turned the corner leaving behind the cityscape. " And heard Mr. and Mrs. Weasley talk about Lupin." Sirius felt all the blood drain from his face as he heard his name on Harry's lips. Hadn't those very lips whispered Moo'y all through the night once when Remus came back from a mission three days too late and Sirius was convinced that Remus had died?  
"... you'll have to be really, really careful. don't go looking for trouble, Harry --" Sirius heard Hermione say.   
"I don't go looking for trouble," said Harry. "Trouble usually finds me." And Sirius almost laughed at how much he sounded like James.  
"How thick would Harry have to be, to go looking for a nutter who wants to kill him?" said Ron shakily.  
"No one knows how he got out of Azkaban," said Ron uncomfortably. "No one's ever done it before. And he was a top-security prisoner too."  
"But they'll catch him, won't they?" said Hermione looking at Sirius, perhaps expecting him to back her up. "I mean, they've got all the Muggles looking out for him too...." If only he could be so sure.  
"What's that noise?" said Ron suddenly.  
A faint, tinny sort of whistle was coming from somewhere. They looked all around the compartment.  
"It's coming from your trunk, Harry." said Ron, standing up and reaching into the luggage rack. A moment later he had pulled a Pocket Sneakoscope out from between Harry's robes. It was spinning very fast in the palm of Ron's hand and glowing brilliantly. Sirius looked around, suddenly uncomfortable.  
"Is that a Sneakoscope?" said Hermione interested, standing up for a better look.  
"Yeah... mind you, it's a very cheap one," Ron said. "It went haywire just as I was tying it to Errol's leg to send it to Harry." Sirius wasn't sure if there was anything to be alarmed about. Peter had a Sneakoscope back in first year but it never went off in Remus's presence.   
"Were you doing anything untrustworthy at the time?" said Hermione shrewdly.  
"No! Well... I wasn't supposed to be using Errol. You know he's not really up to long journeys... but how else was I supposed to get Harry's present to him?" Sirius felt his muscles stretch out in a smile at Ron's words. He hadn't gotten Harry anything for his birthday. He'd been too anxious to think of something. He made a mental note to make it up to Harry soon.   
"Stick it back in the trunk," Harry advised as the Sneakoscope whistled piercingly. "It's too loud."  
"Could you sign my Hogsmeade form?" Harry asked softly as Ron and Hermione talked excitedly about visiting all the fantastic shops.  
"Sure..um..once we reach the Castle?" Sirius replied a little uncomfortable. He didn't have the heart to tell Harry right now that he wouldn't be allowed to visit Hogsmeade. Dumbledore had informed him in a letter that Sirius had full authority to sign Harry's form being his God-father but since nothing of Remus's whereabouts were known it would be advisable to keep Harry safe in the castle. Sirius would tell Harry, he surely would but a lot of things needed to be clarified and Sirius didn't want to do it in front of Ron and Hermione.   
Harry nodded. " Do you know something about this mad who escaped and is after me?"  
Sirius nodded, throat constricting. No amount of practice would ever be enough to prepare him for this.  
"Well, look who it is," a blond, pale boy said interrupting them. Sirius didn't need to look twice to recognize his pure blood cousin. "Potty and the Weasel and my ostracized uncle."  
"I heard your father finally got his hands on some gold this summer,Weasley," said Malfoy ignoring him. "Did your mother die of shock?"   
Ron stood up so quickly he knocked Hermione's cat on the floor.   
"Get out of here, Draco." Sirius said as casually as possible.   
"Who are you to tell me what to do?" Draco spat back.   
"He's the new Defense Against the Dark Arts professor." said Hermione as both he and Harry got up to stop Ron from hitting Draco.   
"C'mon," Draco muttered resentfully to his thugs. " This school just keeps getting pathetic."  
As they left, Ron massaged his knuckles."I'm not going to take any crap from Malfoy this year," he said angrily. "I mean it. If he makes one more crack about my family, I'm going to get hold of his head and.."  
Ron made a violent gesture midair narrowly missing Sirius.  
"Careful Ron..." Hermione hissed.   
"No..no...It's quite alright." Sirius dismissed it with the wave of his hand. " I feel the same way. Just that I'm a teacher..If you know what I mean.." Sirius, to his own surprise, winked at them slightly and they burst out laughing.   
The rain thickened as the train sped yet farther north; the windows were now a solid, shimmering gray, which gradually darkened until lanterns flickered into life all along the corridors and over the luggage racks.   
"You should get a little sleep." Harry whispered to him while Ron and Hermione were too busy bickering between themselves. "You look tired. "  
Sirius nodded and his heart warmed at how Harry cared for him. "It's good to see you so comfortable with your friends.I can see why you speak so fondly of them."   
Harry smiled. "It'll be good to have you here as well."  
"Yeah." Sirius softly replied. It genuinely felt good to be in the presence of fresh souls. He hung his head back and allowed the voices in the compartment to drown him in a light slumber.

  
_"James" He shouted, acutely aware that he wouldn't receive a reply. He would never again hear James's voice. As he entered the unhinged door, darkness illuminated only by the spell of his wand, he tumbled over something and he froze, his nerves froze as he realized that it was a someone and not something. As he pointed his wand on the ground and saw James's hand he dropped on the floor with a wail._   
_"No..please..please wake up." James's eyes were wide open, frozen, spectacles crooked on his nose._   
_"James, I'm so sorry. Please..please..." He sobbed, blind behind a curtain of hot tears. " Please..."_   
_He would've stayed there, lied down beside James and die because buried under that grief was more pain; pain of knowing that Remus betrayed them all; betrayed his love. There's nothing he would want to live for. But as a child's crying filtered through his haze, he knew Harry was alive._   
_Lily! Harry!_   
_Could they be alive?_   
_"Lily" He screamed as he ran up the stairs, toppling twice on broken cement and furniture._   
_He didn't think he could survive the crushing pain he felt as he saw Lily on the ground as well, lying in front of Harry's crib, legs bent at a strange angle, eyes wide open, face frozen; all the brightness gone from her vibrant green eyes. Sirius screamed because he didn't know what else to do. He held up L_ _ily in his arms and screamed, begging for her to wake up. She was still warm. She couldn't be dead. James and Lily couldn't just leave him and Harry and be gone like this. This was painfully easy and selfish of them. Even in death they could be together; him and Harry cut off from them, pulled away into different universes._   
_He screamed. How would Harry live without them? How would he live without them?_   
_When he looked up at Harry, maybe he was still screaming, but Harry looked stunned into silence; tears drying on his cheeks._   
_"Pa'foo" Harry whispered._   
_Sirius whimpered. "Yes, I'm here."_   
_As Harry stretched his arms out demanding to be picked up, Sirius slowly let go of Lily, closed her eyelids and picked Harry up. "I'm here. Your'e safe." He couldn't recognize his voice._   
_As he came down, he kneeled beside James, closed his eyes lids as well and straightened his specks. "I'm sorry" he whispered before leaving._   
_As he saw the giant for of Hagrid..._

  
"Quite!" Sirius spoke attempted to calm his racing heart. This wasn't a dream. It was memories being dug up and he knew the difference. There was something awfully wrong here. Could Remus have followed him here? But how would Remus do all these..?  
Dementors!  
Dumbledore had informed him that Dementors were assigned to search for Remus. It was awfully cold. It could be Dementors.   
"Stay where you are," he said in a hoarse voice, and slowly got to his feet with his wand held out in front of him.   
But the door slid slowly open before he could reach it.  
Standing in the doorway, illuminated by the shivering light of Sirius's wand, was a cloaked figure that towered to the ceiling. It's face was completely hidden beneath it's hood.There was a hand protruding from the cloak and it was glistening, grayish, slimy-looking, and scabbed, like something dead that had decayed in water...  
But it was visible only for a split second. As though the creature beneath the cloak sensed something, the hand was suddenly withdrawn into the folds of its black cloak.  
An intense cold swept over them all. Sirius could feel cold poison in his veins.  
"None of us is hiding Remus Lupin under our cloaks. Go." He said. The Dementors aren't supposed to attack anyone but something felt horribly off. The Dementor didn't move.   
And then it drew a long, slow, rattling breath, as though it were trying to suck something more than air from its surroundings.  
 _No!_ He couldn't let this happen. Something good..think of something good.  
 _"You're our son too you know!" Mrs. Potter said, eyes glistening with tears._  
 _"Of course you are. You can stay here from now on, permanently." Mr. Potter's eyes were teary too. Sirius had never seen him get emotional. " We're just glad you chose to stay with us._ "  
"Expecto Patronum." Sirius whispered and a gigantic silver dog burst from the tip of his wand, warming and illuminating everything, pushing the Dementor back out of the compartment.  
Sirius sighed in relief but it was short lived. Behind him Harry was unconscious on the ground, sweating and looking extremely pale.   
"Harry.." Sirius took him up in his arms. He stired but didn't wake.   
The lights came back up and the train started moving again.   
Sirius shook him and the cold sweat on his face scared Sirius but then he slowly opened his eyes. "Harry! Harry! Are you all right?"  
"W -- what?" He responded groggily and tried to get up. Sirius thought Harry was going to be violently ill but as Ron and Hermione helped him back to his seat he looked better.   
_Chocolates._ Sirius thought. _That was the best remedy._ He went about looking for a bar in his luggage.   
"What was that thing?" Harry asked as Sirius handed him a bar of chocolate.  
"A dementor," he replied, giving chocolate to everyone else. Another boy and girl had also entered the compartment by now. "One of the dementors of Azkaban."   
He knew he needed to explain more. Everyone was staring at him but his own adrenaline was wearing off and he was feeling quite ill.   
"Eat the chocolates." He repeated. " I need to speak to the driver." It was the best excuse he could come up with to leave the compartment.   
He could feel the world closing in on him as he bridged the last few steps to the washroom and locked the door behind him. He hunched on the sink waiting for the nausea to pass.   
He couldn't help but wonder if this is what Remus had spent the last twelve years feeling. This pain and cold and fear but then again, maybe it was difficult for monsters; yes monster- Sirius grounded his jaws together. If he felt such shame and pain in the few moments he'd been near the dementors he didn't want to imagine what twelve years of it could do and if Remus had escaped sane it had to be because he felt no shame, pain or guilt. And that Remus would be a monster.   
"Just a minute." He shouted back as someone knocked on the door.  
He splashed water on his face before coming out and smiled politely at the Hufflepuff kid standing outside. He sent of a patronas informing Professor McGonagall about the attack and then returned to the compartment.   
"We'll be at Hogwarts in ten minutes," He said and sat down opposite to Harry. " Are you okay?" He asked and took Harry's hand in his. He thought, momentarily, that Harry would've been embarrassed by the show of concern but there was nothing.   
"I'm fine." He muttered not quite meeting Sirius's eyes but gave his hands a gentle squeeze and that was all the confirmation Sirius needed.   
Everyone kept quite for the rest of he journey, Sirius repeatedly looking to check in on Harry.  
When they got down at Hogsmeade, Sirius wondered if he should accompany Harry but he looked quite comfortable with his friends. Sirius swallowed his insecurities and let Harry go on with his friends while he choose to walk up to the castle. It would clear his head. He'd informed McGonagall about the attack. She would surely check Harry out. What if Harry got annoyed with his constant hovering. For the past two years they'd been meeting only for a day in a week and now Sirius was worried if Harry would be displeased by his constant presence.  
When Sirius reached his room after dinner, he couldn't deny that he was ready to drop dead. It'd been a hell of a day but as he unpacked his meager belongings, his eyes fell on a stack of papers pre-arranged on his desk. He walked over to find that it was a basic course structure for the first years class he'd be taking tomorrow along with files on students for him to familiarize names and faces. He'd worked miracles keeping his childhood memories at bay but as he saw the young faces, he couldn't help but wonder how he'd once been a face in such a file twenty two years ago. Heck! They'd all been there.   
A knock on his door distracted him.   
"Professor McGonagall." Sirius politely greeted the elderly woman he'd revered all his life.   
"Sirius." She greeted back and they stood for a while staring at each other and perhaps wondering at the absurdity of the situation-Sirius knows he was.  
Where are his manners! " Sorry, please Professor, come in." Sirius moved to let her the professor enter his room.   
"I'm glad you're here." She said as she sat down but Sirius chose to lean on the opposite wall.   
He nodded. It's not like he was given a choice.   
"Sirius, I'm sorry about this situation. I really am.." She began but Sirius cut her off. " No, professor..please. It's quite alright."  
"I know the four of you were close and Lily and then there was Harry and you, all of you were family and later....I never once checked in with you.."  
"There was nothing." Sirius slipped and immediately regretted it. "There was no one you could check in on." He replied at McGonagall's surprised reaction. "It's better that you didn't see me..like that. I..I'm sure you know what I'm talking about."  
McGonagall nodded in understanding. "Well I hope you settle in properly and we can talk later."  
Sirius nodded and apologized. "I'm sorry."   
"It's quite all right." The Professor bid him good bye and left.   
Sirius stared at his new room after he closed the door and sighed. It was awfully spacious for him. The bed was bigger than his back home and he was too used to sleeping on the couch; there was a fireplace, a cupboard, a study table with a couple of chairs and overlooking the bed was a huge window that directly over looked the lake. There was too much of empty space and too little furniture- no place Sirius could curl into should the world be too much for him. But as this would be his home for the next year so he should really try and get comfortable. He took a shower and slipped into his pajamas before he started looking through the files. The course was basic- mostly what he'd read upon during the last month and he tried remembering names but there was a throbbing at the back of his head, crawling up. At 1.40 in the morning he decided to call it a night.  
He fell asleep as soon as he felt the cold sheats.

  
***

  
Sirius diligently scanned the papers everyday for news on Remus, something-anything that might be suspicious to him but not to the Ministry. But that didn't stop his shaking hands from spilling the morning coffee when he read that Remus had been sighted in a nearby muggle village.   
Apparently a muggle woman had seen him and called up the muggle police and by the time the Ministry officials got the wind of it, he was already gone.   
He was close. Sirius sighed. Too close. If Remus was really there, then it's the closest they'd been in twelve years. He wondered what he'd do if Remus really came to him but again, dangerous thoughts. Sirius folded the paper back and cleaned up the split coffee before he decided to get some food from The Great Hall. He didn't have any immediate class but he was a nervous about his afternoon class with the third years. Harry would be there. He'd studied enough to not mess up but it was DADA class- Remus had been good at it and Sirius smirked at the irony- the person who was good at Defense Against the Dark Arts ended up being a master of the dark arts. Twenty years ago he would've laughed it off-everything was far removed from reality;they'd been untouched by the war for the longest time. Honestly Sirius's hadn't been surprised at how rapidly the war had escalated around them...  
The crash coming from Filch's office made him run up to the end of the corridor. Nearly Headless Nick passed him bye, laughing his head off.   
"What is it?" Sirius asked.   
"There's a boggart in Filch's office." Even Sirius smirked. This would be interesting.   
"Bloody ghost.." Filch ran out of his office behind Peeves the Poltergeist.   
It didn't take Sirius long to understand that Peeves had planted the boggart in Filch's office and inspiration struck. He could practically teach the students about facing their worst fears but Harry-Voldemort.  
No! He couldn't do that. But he was intrigued about what his boggart would be. It'd changed a lot of times-initially it's been his mother's howlers, later after the incident in fifth year, it'd been Remus's suffering for what he'd done to Snape later he'd never faced one up till now.   
Like a moth drawn to a flame-he walked into the office and closed it behind him.   
_Crack!_  
But Sirius couldn't see anything.   
"Padfoot"   
Sirius staggered backwards. "Remus." Sirius held up his wand, ready to attack.   
"Put down the wand Padfoot. You know I won't hurt you and I don't think you can hurt me either."  
"Show yourself." Sirius whispered.   
"Are you sure you want to see me?"  
"You bastard. Show yourself. You killed them. All of them." Sirius shouted now. He wouldn't be afraid of a voice in the dark. Damn where was the boggart?  
"You don't honestly believe that."  
"Fuck you. I'm gonna kill you the moment I spot you and this is a closed room. There's no where you can go." Sirius sounded more calm than he felt. His hands were shaking and there was sweat beads on his fore head. He was both cold and hot. Remus!!  
"Go ahead. Kill me then."   
And Remus stepped out from behind a cupboard shadow bringing Sirius onto his knees. Horrified, but utterly surprised, he realized that this was his greatest fear. This Remus looked young, younger than twenty-one. The Remus in from of him was sixteen-seventeen maybe-right around the time they left school and moved in together, when he used to laugh, when constant fear, guilt and pain didn't create frown lines on his forehead, wrinkles at the corners of his eyes. This was the Remus he'd struggled to remember for years-untouched by the ravages of war.   
"Kill me then." Remus said again.  
"I..I can't." Sirius whispered utterly defeated.  
"You think I killed them?" He asked tilting his head to right, in disbelief.  
"You did. You knew where they were hiding." Sirius whispered, eyes burning.   
"They told me they would kill me." Remus's voice wavered and Sirius's eyes shot up at him.   
He had to remind himself that this was not true. He was having a conversation with a Boggart-with his inner fear.   
"They told me they'd kill me. What would I've done, Padfoot?" There are tears rolling down Remus's cheeks and there's blood seeping through his clothes over his chest and stomach.  
"The Remus I believed I knew would've died than betray his friends-betray me!" Sirius whispered and rubbed at his eyes vigorously. "But your'e not him."  
He got up on his feet and pointed his want at Remus.   
"I love you, Padfoot. Come with me. I love you so much." Remus whispered. His clothes were bloodied by now.  
"I know you do. I love you, Remus." he whispered and then-"Riddikulus."  
It took him three attempts but he trapped the boggart in the cupboard.   
"I'll take the cupboard to my third year class later." Sirius quickly told Filch as he walked out of his office.   
He punched his room's door as soon as he'd locked it behind him. Fuck! He still loved Remus. A part of him was completely repelled at himself. How could he still be in love with a man who'd as good killed his best friend and his wife and another best friend along with twelve innocent bystanders in cold blood! How could his declaration of love crumble and reduce him to nothing? How would he protect Harry if he couldn't even protect his heart.   
No he would be strong in the face of this. Tens of people died; James and Lily and Peter died to protect Harry. He couldn't-wouldn't let his love for the ghost of a man he once knew, in any way, ((diminish)) that.  
He took a shower and cleaned himself up. He had Harry's class in the afternoon and he wouldn't let Harry see him in pain on their very first encounter. His friends would also be there. It was best for his to look as normal as possible.  
Bringing the cupboard up to an unused classroom took more time than he'd imagined. Filch kept on pestering him with questions on why he'd take a boggart to a class. Sirius had to finally tell him to bugger off because how hoe what Sirius would teach in his class was none of his fucking business. Lunch was almost over by the time he got to the Great Hall so he had to run down by the kitchen to get some food. Merlin he was starving!  
He entered the class five minutes late and found books, quills and parchment on everyone's desks- just like he'd seen in every other class. Gilderoy really did a number on them- He thought and smiled as he greeted the class.   
"Good afternoon," he said. "Would you please put all your books back in your bags. Today's lesson will be a practical one. Only your wands."  
The class looked confused and amazed as he asked them to follow him up to the corridor and cursed under his breathed as he found Peeves floating around in front of them-stuffing the nearest keyhole with chewing gum.   
"Loony, loopy Lupin," Peeves sang. "Loony, loopy Lupin, loony, loopy Lupin.." And he had to swallow the bitter taste in his throat. A lot of times Peeves had caught Sirius and Remus in broom cupboards and empty classrooms and perhaps today he'd eavesdropped on his encounter with the boggart before?   
The students' eyes shifted to him, trying to gauge his reaction. He smiled despite himself.This could be interesting. "I'd take that gum out of the keyhole if I were you, Peeves,Mr. Filch won't be able to get in to his brooms."   
He raised his and said, "Waddiwasi! "and pointed it at Peeves.  
With the force of a bullet, the wad of chewing gum shot out of the keyhole and straight down Peeves's left nostril; he whirled upright and zoomed away, cursing.  
"Cool, sir!" said Dean Thomas in amazement.  
"Thank you, Dean," Sirius replied,putting his wand away again. He felt fifteen again. "Shall we proceed?"  
"Inside, please," Sirius opened the door.   
It was a long, paneled room full of old, mismatched chairs, was empty except for Snape sitting in a low armchair, and he looked around as the class filed in. His eyes were glittering and there was a nasty sneer playing around his mouth. As Sirius came in and made to close the door behind him, Snape said, "Leave it open. I'd rather not witness this."  
He got to his feet and strode past the class, his black robes billowing behind him. At the doorway he turned on his heel and said, "Possibly no one's warned you, Sirius, but this class contains Neville Longbottom. I would advise you not to entrust him with anything difficult. Not unless Miss Granger is hissing instructions in his ear."  
Sirius wanted to snap and tell him something nasty but he had to remind himself that he was there in a teacher's capacity. "I was hoping that Neville would assist me with the first stage of the operation and I am sure he will perform it admirably." He replied, an idea clicked in his head.   
Snape sneared and left as Neville turned more scarlet if that was even possible.  
As the cupboard gave a wobble, a few people jumped back, scared.   
"Nothing to worry about. There's a boggart in there." Sirius assured but Neville looked absolutely terrified.   
"Boggarts like dark, enclosed spaces, wardrobes, the gap beneath beds, the cupboards under sinks ;I've even met one that had lodged itself in a grandfather clock." Sirius explained recalling how Mr. Potter once had to fight off a boggart in their house once."So, the first question we must ask ourselves is, what is a boggart?"  
Hermione put up her hand.  
"It's a shape-shifter," she said. "It can take the shape of whatever it thinks will frighten us most."  
"Couldn't have put it better myself," replied Sirius and Hermione glowed. "So the boggart sitting in the darkness within has not yet assumed a form. He does not yet know what will frighten the person on the other side of the door. Nobody knows what a boggart looks like when he is alone, but when I let him out, he will immediately become whatever each of us most fears."  
"This means," Sirius said, ignoring Neville's small sputter of terror, "that we have a huge advantage over the boggart before we begin. Have you spotted it, Harry?"  
"Er..because there are so many of us, it won't know what shape it should be?" Harry replied.  
"Precisely,". Hermione put her hand down, looking a little disappointed. "It's always best to have company when you're dealing with a boggart. He becomes confused. Which should he become, a headless corpse or a flesh-eating slug? I once saw a boggart make that very mistake..tried to frighten two people at once and turned himself into half a slug. Not remotely frightening.  
"The charm that repels a boggart is simple, yet it requires force of mind. You see, the thing that really finishes a boggart is laughter. What you need to do is force it to assume a shape that you find amusing.We will practice the charm without wands first. After me, please ... Riddikulus!"  
"Riddikulus!" said the class together.  
"Good," Sirius replied. "Very good. But that was the easy part, I'm afraid. You see, the word alone is not enough. And this is where you come in, Neville."  
Neville walked forward, trembling, scared out of his wits.  
"Right, Neville," said Sirius. "First things first: what would you say is the thing that frightens you most in the world?"  
Neville's lips moved, but no noise came out.  
"Didn't catch that, Neville, sorry," Sirius tried to sound as cheerfully as possible.  
Neville looked around rather wildly, as though begging someone to help him, then said, in barely more than a whisper, "Professor Snape."  
Nearly everyone laughed. Even Neville grinned apologetically.  
Of course you are. That git. "Professor Snape... hmmm... Neville, I believe you live with your grandmother?"  
"Er..yes," said Neville nervously. "But..I don't want the boggart to turn into her either."  
"No, no, you misunderstand me," Sirius smiled. "I wonder, could you tell us what sort of clothes your grandmother usually wears?"  
Neville looked startled, but said, "Well... always the same hat. A tall one with a stuffed vulture on top. And a long dress... green, normally... and sometimes a fox-fur scarf."  
"And a handbag?" prompted Sirius.  
"A big red one," said Neville.  
"Right then," Sirius continued. "Can you picture those clothes very clearly, Neville? Can you see them in your mind's eye?"  
"Yes," said Neville uncertainty, plainly wondering what was coming next.  
"When the boggart bursts out of this wardrobe, Neville, and sees You, it will assume the form of Professor Snape,and you will raise your wand ... and say 'Riddikulus' -- and concentrate hard on your grandmother's clothes. If all goes well, Professor Boggart Snape will be forced into that vulture-topped hat, and that green dress, with that big red handbag."  
There was a great shout of laughter. The wardrobe wobbled more violently.  
"If Neville is successful, the boggart is likely to shift his attention to each of us in turn," Sirius said "I would like all of you to take a moment now to think of the thing that scares you most, and imagine how you might force it to look comical."  
"Everyone ready?" Sirius asked and noted for the corner of his eyes that Harry was thinking something and shivered but as everyone was ready, he looked a little resolved.   
Sirius knew he would have to intervene for Harry. A Voldemort running around the school was not desirable at all.   
"Neville, we're going to back away," Sirius said. "Let you have a clear field, all right? I'll call the next person forward.... Everyone back, now, so Neville can get a clear shot --"  
They all retreated, backed against the walls, leaving Neville alone beside the wardrobe. He looked pale and frightened, but he had pushed up the sleeves of his robes and was holding his wand ready.  
"On the count of three, Neville," said Sirius who was pointing his own wand at the handle of the wardrobe. "One two..three..now!"  
A jet of sparks shot from the end of Sirius's wand and hit the doorknob. The wardrobe burst open. Hook-nosed and menacing, Professor Snape stepped out, his eyes flashing at Neville.  
Neville backed away, his wand up, mouthing wordlessly. Snape was bearing down upon him, reaching inside his robes.  
"R..r ..riddikulus! "squeaked Neville.  
There was a noise like a whip crack. Snape stumbled; he was wearing a long, lace-trimmed dress and a towering hat topped with a moth-eaten vulture, and he was swinging a huge crimson handbag.  
There was a roar of laughter; the boggart paused, confused, and Sirius shouted, "Parvati! Forward!"   
Parvati walked forward, her face set. Snape rounded on her. There was another crack, and where he had stood was a bloodstained, bandaged mummy; its sightless face was turned to Parvati and it began to walk toward her very slowly, dragging its feet, its stiff arms rising -  
"Riddikulus!" cried Parvati.  
A bandage unraveled at the mummy's feet; it became entangled, fell face forward, and its head rolled off.  
"Seamus!" roared Sirius.  
Seamus darted past Parvati.  
Crack! Where the mummy had been was a woman with floor length black hair and a skeletal, green-tinged face...a banshee. She opened her mouth wide and an unearthly sound filled the room, a long, wailing shriek that made the hair on Harry's head stand on end ..'Riddikulus!" shouted Seamus.  
The banshee made a rasping noise and clutched her throat; her voice was gone.  
Crack! The banshee turned into a rat, which chased its tail in a circle, then...crack!- became a rattlesnake, which slithered and writhed before...crack! becoming a single, bloody eyeball.  
'It's confused!" shouted Sirius. "We're getting there! Dean!"  
Dean hurried forward.  
Crack! The eyeball became a severed hand, which flipped over and began to creep along the floor like a crab.  
"Riddikulus!" yelled Dean.  
There was a snap, and the hand was trapped in a mousetrap.  
"Excellent! Ron, you next!"  
Ron leapt forward.  
Crack!  
Quite a few people screamed. A giant spider, six feet tall and covered in hair, was advancing on Ron, clicking its pincers menacingly. For a moment, Harry thought Ron had frozen. Then -  
"Riddikulus!" bellowed Ron, and the spider's legs vanished; it rolled over and over; Lavender Brown squealed and ran out of its way and it came to a halt at Harry's feet. He raised his wand, ready, but -  
"Here!" Sirius shouted suddenly, hurrying forward. Crack!  
The legless spider had vanished. For a second, everyone looked wildly around to see where it was. "Riddikulus!" Sirius said in a hurry.   
Crack!  
"Forward, Neville, and finish him off!" said Sirius as the boggart landed on the floor as a cockroach. Crack! Snape was back. This time Neville charged forward looking determined.  
"Riddikulus!" he shouted, and they had a split second's view of Snape in his lacy dress before Neville let out a great "Ha!" of laughter, and the boggart exploded, burst into a thousand tiny wisps of smoke, and was gone.  
"Excellent!" said Sirius, as the class broke into applause. "Excellent ! Neville. Well done, everyone.... Let me See... five points to Gryffindor for every person to tackle the boggart; ten for Neville because he did it twice... and five each to Hermione and Harry."  
"But I didn't do anything," said Harry.  
"You and Hermione answered my questions correctly at the start of the class, Harry," Sirius said lightly. "Very well, everyone, an excellent lesson. Homework, kindly read the chapter on boggarts and summarize it for me... to be handed in on Monday. That will be all."  
As the class filtered out, Sirius saw Harry walking away without looking back, shoulders hunched. He knew he'd acted a tad bit overprotective but he couldn't take the risk of a boggart Voldemort scaring the children if indeed that was Harry's Boggart.   
But overall he regarded that his class was quite successful and eventually as the weeks went by rumors went around about how people were enjoying his classes. He off handedly, on more than occasion, wondered what Remus would say of it. He's the one Sirius would've pegged for the professor type. The only people hostile to him were Snape and certain people from the Slytherins but he couldn't care less about them. He occasionally met Harry in he corridores and they smiled politely at each other but Harry never made any attempt to talk to him separately and Sirius wasn't quite Sure about how his relationship with his god-son should be now that he was his professor.   
On a Saturday at the end of September, Regulus came to meet him.   
"How have you been?" He asked as he sat down on one of the chairs. " Enjoying ?" He looked around the room.  
"I am actually." Sirius smiled honestly. There were books and rolls of parchments that students submitted scattered all over his room. He actually liked reading students' homework.  
Regulus sat quietly for a while, fidgeting with the quill on the table. Something was off. Sirius could tell.  
"So?" he prompted.  
"So what?" Regulus asked  
"Well, you obviously came here for something?" Sirius said matter-of-factly.  
"Can't I just come and visit you?" Regulus sound far too unconvincing that usual.  
"Would you like to try that again;; this time try to sound convinc.."  
"Yeah..alright."  
Sirius lit up a cigarette. He guessed he would need it. If Regulus was nervous, it had to be bad.  
"There are rumors." Regulus paused, clearing his throat. " He's hiding in Albania."  
"So?" Sirius asked when Regulus didn't speak further. He took a long drag of smoke. " The last two years are evidence enough that he's still around and that those who are loyal to him still remain."  
"Yes, but now we know where he is." Regulus stressed.  
It took Sirius a moment to understand what Regulus was implying. " You cannot possibly be asking this of me?" He said; voice stone cold.  
"Sirius, I.."  
"No you listen, okay?" Sirius walked up to Regulus, towering over his sitting brother; " I did this once with you hoping we could win. And what happened, hun? I lost everything. It should've been me-I should've been the secret keeper. But they thought I was the traitor and so they made the real traitor the secret keeper and they died and I lost everything.I got pulled in far too deep last time."  
Sirius took another drag from his cigarette and went to stand by the window.   
"You still blame me for all that?" Regulus softly said.   
"I don't." And Sirius wished he could've sounded more convincing.   
"Right!." Regulus sighed. " Well you know maybe sometimes, if you have time to look out of your tiny box, you'd see that you still have people who care about you. You didn't loose everything, Sirius but you might very soon."   
Sirius sighed as Regulus left, closing the door behind him.   
_Sirius was yet again late for the Order meeting. His investigation with Regulus had gone on far longer than expected and had let to the dead bodies of two muggles in the river by the forest. It was all Voldemort's doing. He knew they'd been on to them and was trying desperate things to throw them off track. But the dead bodies were over a week old and getting rid of them with dignity had been a messy job. Sirius had to take a shower in a hotel room he'd recently rented after moving out from the tiny flat he and Remus used to live in._  
 _When he reached, only Dumbledore, Remus, James, Lily and Harry were present._  
 _"What's going on?" He asked apprehensively.There was nervous spark in the air. James and Lily were quite, their expression haunted and Remus couldn't even bear to look at him. They gotten into a huge fight a week ago. Everything had gone downhill from there. Even Harry seemed to be stunned quiet._  
 _"We're going into hiding Sirius. Lily, Harry and I. Fidelus Charm." James whispered looking up at him._  
 _Sirius actually breathed a sigh of relief. He'd been asking James to do this for weeks now. This way they could really be safe. "That's actually great!" Sirius said and all the eyes looked at him, puzzled._  
 _"Sirius you know.." Lily started._  
 _"That you want to stay and fight. Yes. I know. But you have a kid now and this is the best way for you to be safe. I'll be the secret keeper and everything will be..okay." Sirius felt like he'd collapse from relief. He saw Remus's eyes look at him warily but he couldn't care less about that now. He knew all his disappearances with Regulus had stirred up questions in Remus's mind but he'd not said anything because the information was too volatile. Remus could get killed for it. Remus's sudden disappearances had stopped recently and Sirius's hadn't. They'd never talked about it properly and last week they just exploded and in a fit of anger Sirius packed up a beg and left._  
 _"Your'e the obvious choice." Dumbledore said. "Now is not the time for obvious choices. Mr. Lupin will be your secret keeper." He told James._  
 _"James.." Sirius began but he only got a sad smile in return._  
 _"It is true, Sirius." James sighed. "You are he obvious choice. They'll never stop hunting you."_  
 _"Then I'll do whatever it takes..James.."_  
 _"This is for the best, Sirius." Lily says as she carefully squeezes Sirius's arm._  
 _Remus seemed to be at ease with it all, far too much at ease._  
 _"I'll leave you then." Dumbledore said. "Take your time, enjoy tonight- the charm will be cast tomorrow."_  
 _"Let's go back to our place. We can order some dinner and well have a..a good night." Lily said but Sirius could barely hear anything over the ringing of his ears._  
 _There was one thing he was certain of-everyone suspected him of being the traitor they'd talked about. He'd seen it in James's and Lily's eyes, Remus practically accused him of it. Why didn't they just leave him or kill him then? Why this pretense of eating and drinking together? How could James think that he'd betray them-betray Harry. Harry was practically his son. He doesn't remember how they all got back to James's place but they were sitting around the table- there was spaghetti on a plate in front of him and a glass of fire-whiskey in his hands._  
 _"Well since we won't be seeing each other for Merlin knows how long..." James had started but for Sirius it was too much._  
 _"Do you really think I am the traitor?" Sirius whispered or he might've shouted; he doesn't remember but he remembers how the tension in the room had intensified._  
 _"Of course not Padfoot." James said placing a hand on his shoulder._  
 _"Don't touch me and don't call me that." Sirius practically jumped off his chair. He was a little drunk and very heart broken and had at least seen fifty-muggle dead bodies in the last seven days. He couldn't think straight and he sure as hell couldn't fathom that his best friend, his brother and his boyfriend could assume that he was the traitor- that he'd betray everything they'd fought so hard to build._  
 _"No one is saying your'e the traitor Sirius." James tried to assure him._  
 _"But you're all thinking that. Isn't that why Remus is chosen to be the secret keeper?" Sirius snapped._  
 _"We're trying to keep you safe." Lily said but couldn't hide the tremble in her voice._  
 _"Bullshit!"_  
 _"We'll I'm not the one who's been disappearing for days, Sirius." Remus said this time, eyes burning and Sirius wanted to physically strangle that hate out of Remus's eyes. There used to be nothing but love there._  
 _"You disappeared too and I always believed you. Always. Without question. I healed your woulds, and kissed them." Sirius sobs. " I love you and you think I..."_  
 _"Sirius, we don't.." James was going to hold his arms but he retaliated and threw the glass of fire whiskey to the opposite wall stunning everyone._  
 _"I would die for you, all of you. So if you think this will keep you safe, so be it." Sirius said in between sobs. " Be safe Remus."_  
 _He's standing in his hotel room. The apparition made him dizzy and then his stomach churns. The images of fifty dead bodies he and Regulus got rid off, sent his stomach revolting. He threw up the dinner he doesn't remember eating and it burns his insides, leaving behind an aching black hole where his organs used to be._  
 _The next morning he finds Regulus. "I'm all yours. Anything you want me to do-going under cover, killing death eaters- whatever you want me to do. I'll do."_  
 _Two days later he returns to the news of how James and Lily died and how Remus killed Peter and twelve other muggles._  
 _The war was won but he'd lost everything._  



	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for all the mistakes I've made here.

_"How are you feeling?" Sirius whispered as he saw Remus's eye lids flutter open in the early hours of dawn after a full moon._  
_Remus's features twisted in pain as he tried to reply but he managed a week, "Fine." before he coughed uncomfortably._  
_Sirius grabbed a blanket, covered Remus's trembling form with it and conjured up a glass of water. As he tried to sit up he groaned painfully, all the human muscles and bones shifting, still being pulled by the moon. Silently Sirius held him up as he took a sip from the glass._  
_"Is everyone okay? And you?" Remus asked as he leaned into Sirius, melting into him._  
_"Everyone's fine. I'm okay. Don't worry." Sirius replied as he pressed soft kisses on Remus's head. James and Peter had left minutes before Remus had woke up. They had to go to Auror training and Sirius had insisted they get get a little sleep before that. Their trainer knew Remus's wouldn't be able to come in and Sirius decided to skip as well. He really wanted to stay with Remus and see him through this full moon. Ever since he'd come back last month from Greyback's camp, Sirius had had nightmares about Remus being killed and he'd sworn to make this transformation as smooth as possible. Remus had fallen asleep, leaning against him, breathing steadily and Sirius found comfort in that steadiness. He liked taking care of Remus, liked to believe that he played a part in how Remus remodeled himself after every full moon. He'd do anything to help him, whatever Remus wanted; though Remus seldom asked for anything and insisted on doing things himself. It stung Sirius sometimes at how Remus kept him at arm's length after a full moon. It made no sense to him because that was the time he thought Remus needed him the most._  
_"You aren't going be here forever." Remus had told him once; drunken blabbering in their seventh year when he'd been adamant that the others shouldn't miss their last Hogwarts Christmas on account of his transformation. They'd argued about it for days and finally Sirius had just stopped speaking to Remus. It'd been too much for him- Remus always thinking how undeserving he was of care-it suffocated him. Remus seldom got drunk but that night he'd been a mess and it'd tugged at Sirius's heart._  
_"Why are you doing this?" Sirius had asked him as Remus had curled up in a corner by the window in their dorm and taken another swing of fire-whiskey._  
_"Your aren't going to be here forever." He'd whispered._  
_"But I will." Sirius had put one hand on Remus's knees. "I will if you let me."_  
_"I'm not worth it." Remus's voice had been watery._  
_"You don't get to choose that." Sirius had whispered. " Let us..let me decide that. I want to be here."_  
_"Even on Christmas? It will be the last.."_  
_"Especially on Christmas and precisely because of that. It will be our last and I would rather spend it with you..in whatever capacity I can rather than be way from you the entire evening." Sirius had taken away the bottle from Remus's hand as he'd been going to take another swing." Stop it, please."_  
_"You really mean it?" Remus had asked sheepishly._  
_"Yes. Yes, I do." Sirius had looked at him anxiously. It'd felt like like he had been waiting for a judgement- a measure of how much Remus believed Sirius loved him and it'd hurt him more than he'd ever care to admit._  
_"Okay." Remus had said quietly as Sirius had felt like he'd breathed for the first time in days._  
_"Okay. Okay." Sirius had shifted closer to him. "Let's go to bed okay?"_  
_Remus stirred in his arms. " Hey, Rem?" Remus groaned in response."I think we should go to the bed now. Can you get up?"_  
_Remus nodded only slightly and Sirius helped him up. On shaky legs they trudged up from the basement to the bedroom. Remus fell asleep the moment he touched the bed. Sirius put up a few heating charms around the bed before he brought in medical supplies. There were only a few scratched and bruises- nothing serious but he put anti-septic on all the cuts he could get his hands on._  
_As the world woke up around them, Sirius debated if he should get some sleep. He was tired but he felt restless at the same time. He didn't know why but he knew he felt the moon and what it did to Remus and sometimes he felt it in his blood-the magic and pain pumping through his veins-his muscles ached strangely-it was dark magic the likes of which he'd known since childhood. When Remus finally slept peacefully, he got himself a change of clothes and a cup of coffee before stepping out on the front porch. The sun wasn't up yet but the golden-orange streaks in the sky illuminated enough for him to see around. There was dew on the grass, the air heavy with moisture and he could hear the distant roar of waves against the rocky shores.He glided one of his bare feet lightly over the wet grass feeling the cold blades tickling his feet; breathing in the smell of damp earth. He missed morning like these- when he could pretend that he and Remus were the only people in the world, alone on the edge on the universe, no dark forces chasing them- just the two of them- both young but forced to age, trying to love and live with each other. Ironically, such peaceful mornings came only after full moons when Remus had been ravaged and Sirius couldn't help but feel guilty at how he looked forward to these-did that mean he didn't care if Remus was in pain?_  
_A distant owl caught his eye and as it headed straight for him, he couldn't help the apprehension that pooled in his stomach. It dropped a letter on the ground and flew away in the other direction. Sirius debilitated but he could see that the paper was crumbled-written in haste, sent via an owl he didn't recognize._  
_He sat down on the wet grass and kept the coffee mug beside him before picking up the letter. There was no seal but at once he recognized his brothers handwriting- though not as immaculate as it used to be._

  
_'If you can, brother, please meet me tonight at Hogs Head Pub at 9'O clock in the night. Come alone._  
_Destroy this once you've read it. In the wrong hands, it can kill us both._  
_-R.A.B '_

 _Sirius stared at the piece of parchment, lost at what he was supposed to make of it. He'd not been in touch with his brother for over two years. Even after Regulus took the dark mark, Sirius had tried to persuade him to not join the other side. Dumbledore could've helped him, the Order could've helped him. But Regulus had made it very clear that he'd chosen his side. After that, Sirius had not known what to say to him or how to write to him. He couldn't imagine why Regulus would want to meet him after all this time. He read it again a few times, tried to trace any magic in it but there was nothing. It was clean. It really might've been from his brother._  
_He burnt it up with a silent spell and watched as the ash dispersed with the wind- it was growing stronger, the sky growing darker and the rising sun was overcast with ominous clouds. Sirius was a skeptic- he didn't believe in divination or the universe warning them about disasters but he couldn't stop the shudder that passed through him as the light sheet of rain settled as droplets on his messy, curly hair and made the dirt smell stronger. He pulled himself up from the ground and went back into the house._  
_He wandered around aimlessly for a while, thoughts muddled up in his head- it could be a trap. They could've made Regulus send the letter to lure him in--but for what?He didn't have any information that could help them. They were still in training, no official Order business was know to them yet-but the death-eaters couldn't possibly know that. Or maybe his brother really wanted to meet him? Maybe he'd chosen to come on their side. The sudden bloom of hope in his chest worried him more than the delivery of the letter had._  
_"Sirius?" It was Remus, voice faint but wary; scared almost._  
_Sirius ran up to the room and found Remus sitting up on the bed, sweating and gasping for breath. "Hey, hey it's fine. I'm here." He climbed up the bed, slowly, careful to not startle Remus._  
_"You weren't here and I.." Remus sighed and hung his head in his hands._  
_"I'm here." Sirius gently took Remus's hands in his." It's okay." He'd had a bad dream- Sirius could tell. There was a wild madness in his eyes that Sirius seldom saw and when he did, it worried and scared him._  
_"You're okay, right?" Remus whispered-edging closer to Sirius and pressed a soft kiss to the corner of his lips._  
_"Yeah." Sirius pulled him in for a kiss, gently. " Feel better?"_  
_Remus nodded._  
_"You can sleep a little more if you want to." Sirius said when Remus looked at him lost, like he didn't know what to do._  
_"Yeah. Yeah okay." Remus lied down again on his side, facing him and Sirius pulled the covers over him. He lay beside him for a long time, caressing his hair, watching and memorizing all the old and new wrinkles and cuts on Remus's face. He'd never get tired of it- of watching Remus sleep without pain or worry. He looked his proper age when he slept- all facades dropped and Sirius took every opportunity to see Remus like this._  
_As the rain outside grew heavier, he had to get up and close shut the window. It was almost noon when he decided to make some food._  
_Later he woke Remus up. " I made some food. You need to eat something."_  
_Remus sat up groggily, his amber hair all over the place. "I need a bath." He looked thin and sickly pale against the cream blankets that nested around him. The blue-grey light of a rainy day from the window cast dark shadows in their room and Remus stared at a point on the ground, lost in his head, breathing in and out intermittently scratching around the cuts on his hands that had begun healing._  
_"Yeah. I'll warm the water." Sirius went into the washroom and ran the tap._  
_"I'll do it." Remus said as he slowly swung his legs out of the bed._  
_"Just let me do it, okay?" Sirius rolled his eyes._  
_"How long has it been raining?" Remus asked biting his lower lip, chewing off the chapped skin. Rain and cold after a full moon annoyed Remus. He'd told Sirius that sunlight, warmth helped him heal faster, his bones ached less. The damp and dark made his skin crawl._  
_"Since morning." Sirius took out fresh clothes for Remus. He was still running his fingers up and down his arms. " Don't" Sirius placed a calm hand on Remus's arm. " You'll hurt yourself more." He also leaned in to kiss him to keep Remus from biting on his lips._  
_Remus sighed and leaned forward to him, closing his eyes and breathing in calmly. " I love you." He said- a whispered sigh._  
_"Me too." Sirius helped Remus to the bathroom. He settled into the bathtub and as Sirius was about to leave, Remus grabbed his hand. "Stay. Something happened. I can tell."_  
_He caught Sirius by surprise. Regulus's letter had been on his mind all along but Remus had barely been awake to see that. He really was an open book when it came to Remus. He nodded and settled on the rim. Remus looked at him, encouraging him to say what he had on his mind._  
_"It's..umm..it's..." Sirius faltered. He really just wanted to take care of Remus right now. He needed just a little more time to process and think through the entire thing._  
_"It's okay." Remus replied and kept his hands on Sirius's. Sirius stared at that, trying to concentrate on how the water was glistening on Remus's hands, the creases on his knuckles, the water lapping against white porcelain, the incessant racket of raindrops on their roof tops- a strange heaviness had settled on his chest since he'd received the letter in the morning. Sirius had know the moment he'd left home that his relationship with his brother had been permanently damaged. There was nothing he could've ever done that would compensate for him leaving Regulus alone. They hadn't spoken in two years and everyday when Mr. Puerce trained them, he had to remind himself that he might face Regulus on day and then to receive a letter..._  
_He grabbed the sponge from Remus's hand and started bathing Remus and when Remus sighed in contentment, he could, at least for a while forget about everything and just concentrate on themselves._  
_As Remus, covered with a thin shawl and looking far too old and tired, slowly sipped the soup Sirius had prepared, Sirius leaned against the opposite kitchen counter, sipping another mug of coffee, debating how much he should tell Remus. It was too soon after a full. Remus always worried too much. The rain hadn't stopped yet-it was just getting depressing._  
_"I got a letter today." As Remus looked up, brows drawn together in concern, he said, " from Regulus."Remus opened his mouth to say something but decided against it. He put down his spoon and the clink of china sounded too loud in the room._  
_" He told me to meet him at Hogs Head Inn tonight." Sirius said barely being able to get the words out of his throat. It made everything too real._  
_"What about?" Remus looked at him; confused and concerned._  
_" I don't know." He whispered back._  
_"It could be.."_  
_"I know." Sirius said immediately. He knew it could be a trap._  
_Remus looked down at the bowl of soup, deep in thought. " I assume you want to go?"_  
_Sirius deliberated. He wanted to go and see is brother. He'd believed he would never again get a chance to talk to Regulus as a brother. But the letter-Regulus addressed him as brother- maybe Regulus really wanted to talk. Maybe he was in some kind of danger and looking for help..._  
_"Sirius?"_  
_He'd been too preoccupied in his thoughts. Remus was looking at him-concern etched on his face. "I..I know..."_  
_Remus sighed. " Let me come with you then."_  
_"What?!..No." Sirius reacted even before his mind had processed Remus's whole sentence. "It's too soon after..You can't...I can't.."_  
_"Put me in harm's way?" Remus completed for him._  
_"Yes. Dammit!" Sirius put down his coffee mug forcefully and turned away from Remus. It was still raining outside. He knew where Remus was going with this._  
_"You can tell James." Remus suggested. Sirius noted he'd stopped eating his food. Remus really needed to eat. This was a bad time to bring this up._  
_"I can't...I don't..." Sirius suddenly felt exhausted-last night catching up with him. James had saved him from that House- from his parents and from Regulus or rather how Regulus had acted the last couple of month before he'd left Grimmauld Place. It'd nearly killed him and James and his parents had saved him. Going back to Regulus in lieu of some cryptic message seemed like a betrayal of that love._  
_"You can't go alone." Remus said sternly. "You won't."_  
_"Remus I...." Sirius turned to look at him but Remus suddenly seemed outraged. He pushed back the chair and got up; limping and wincing with the movements of his sore bones._  
_"Your'e not going alone." He said forcefully and made to walk away but tripped. Sirius didn't know how but he reached for Remus just in time to break his fall. They fell on the floor-Sirius taking the majority of the blow and Remus breathing heavily from exhaustion._  
_"What the fuck are you doing?" Sirius shouted but found Remus's face buried on the crook of his neck; one of his hands holding his arm tightly. As Remus struggled to breath properly, Sirius ran his hand up and down Remus's back and combed his hair with his fingers. "It's okay." He whispered whenever he felt Remus's breath quicken._  
_He knew nothing could be farther from the truth._

  
_**_

  
_Sirius wore a hoodie to covered his head and wore wizarding robes to make himself as inconspicuous as possible. Slightest hint of danger and he'd apparate back. Remus had pleaded and screamed for Sirius to not go but he knew a part of Remus knew why Sirius needed to go. He couldn't abandon his brother._  
_"I'll be back, I promise." Sirius whispered as Remus sat on the couch, defeated and tired. As the candles cast strange shadows around them, Sirius noted how old Remus looked. His forehead creased from worry, his jaws were worked up and he wouldn't meet Sirius's eyes. "Please Remus."_  
_"If your'e not back in two hours, I'll alert the order..and.." Remus whispered._  
_"I'll be back." With that Sirius stepped out on the front porch and apparated to Hogsmeade near Zonko's Joke Shop. The streets were almost deserted, the shop windows dark- most people had closed for the day. Sirius looked around warily a few times, trying to sniff out a threat but he couldn't sense anything unusual. As he walked up to the dingy pub, the front door opened and he was met with Alberforth._  
_"Come on." He said hurriedly as he pulled Sirius inside. Sirius held his wand out front, ready to attack. As Alberforth closed the door after making one last check for any tail on him, he calmly told Sirius to put his wand down. "You won't be needing that. Not against me at least."_  
_Sirius didn't._  
_"Your brother's upstairs, waiting." He said cleaning out the bar counter._  
_"Your'e helping death eaters now?" Sirius asked him, wand still pointed at Alberforth. " How do I know it's not a trap?"_  
_"Isn't it funny that you question me on my loyalties when your'e here to meet your Death Eater brother all alone. Why aren't any of your friends with you?"_  
_Sirius didn't reply._  
_"No answer. Maybe your'e the one turning to the other..."_  
_"Sirius." Regulus's voice and creaking of the rickety wooden stairs interrupted Alberforth." Come upstairs."_  
_Sirius warily walked up behind Regulus, wands still at the ready. They walked with their heads low to avoid colliding with the dusty, cobwebbed horizontal pillars above them. The room Regulus opened the door to was damp and equally dusty. Moony would be able to smell this off him in a second._  
_Regulus sat on a rickety chair and addressed Sirius to do the same."There's no one here. I came alone."_  
_"What is going on?" Sirius asked. He was still standing, wary even of the chair being booby trapped. Moody's 'constant vigilance' had rubbed off quite well on him._  
_"Brother please. I'm here to talk." Regulus sighed and took off his cloak. It seemed to suffocate him. Beneath, he work a simple jeans and tee shirt and it surprised Sirius. Regulus seldom wore muggle clothes. Sirius noted Regulus looked paler than usual and tired at the same time. He made no attempt to hide his mark and it left knots in Sirius's stomach. He sat down, put away his wand in his pocket, took off his cloak and waited for Regulus to speak._  
_"I was wrong."Regulus said finally and Sirius could see the humongous effort it took for him to do that. He sat with his elbows rested on his knees, head supported on his hands._  
_Sirius looked keenly at his brother, searching for a mask but couldn't find one. " About what?" He asked when he could find his words. Something felt off._  
_"Everything." Regulus replied, haunted._  
_"Reg you have to tell me what is wrong." Sirius could feel the worry creeping up his spine as if it wear a living entity._  
_" He kills ruthlessly and he's not what he preached...he's brutal and his motive is not.." Regulus covered his mouth with his hand and turned a sickly shade of green._  
_Sirius had never seen his brother so unnerved by something. There was something else, things he couldn't or wouldn't say._  
_"I need to know that I have your confidence Sirius, please." Regulus whispered. " Before I say anything else I need you to know that I am not insane and I regret this." He held out his left arm. " I should've listened to you and ran away in fourth year..."_  
_"Reg" Sirius sounded calmer that he felt. " I trust you. You could've killed me, you didn't. And you're my brother-I believe you."_  
_"Voldemort doesn't just want to purify the wizarding world..he..he wants to rule it and he wants to overthrow the Ministry and..shit like world domination and..and he wants immortality..." Regulus stopped abruptly and looked at Sirius like he hoped for something to dawn on his brother._  
_"Err..Reg..I don't understand. " Sirius couldn't comprehend what Regulus was worked up about. All of what he'd just head, he knew and wasn't it natural for people to seek longer lives to rule the empires they create? What was new?_  
_"Immortality, Sirius." Regulus said exasperated. " He wants to be immortal."_  
_"Are we talking about the likes of Philosophers's stone..Nicolas Flamel..?"_  
_"Are you serious? You know that but not about..." Regulus lowered his voice, " Horcruxes.?"_  
_"No." Sirius tried to recollect anything he might've ever heard but nothing popped up._  
_"They are powerful token..objects in which a person preserves his soul." Regulus whispered._  
_"And how exactly does a person preserve his soul somewhere other than his body?" Sirius asked._  
_"Did you not study anything in school?" Regulus asked exasperated._  
_"Not the dark arts, pardon me!" Sirius replied sarcastically._  
_"Look, listen." Regulus dragged his palm down his face. " A person's soul can be split. When one commits a henious crime such as murdering someone, the soul splits in two and it ca be captured in a different, powerful, enchanted artifact. As long as that artifact is kept safe the person can't be killed. This is just the basic there are other complexities."_  
_"Okay hold on." Sirius sighed. It was too much information already. " Voldemort will kill..how many..so that he can do this?"_  
_" I don't know. I don't know how many he has or in what he's stored his soul except for one." Regulus said softly._  
_"What are you talking about?" Sirius asked his blood running cold._  
_"Two weeks ago, He asked told me that he needed a house elf. I volunteered to offer Kreacher. The Dark Lord seemed pleased and He took him to a cave some where along the North Sea. There He made Kreacher drink some poison from a basin and hid a locket there. He didn't even bother about Kreacher and left him there. I summoned him and that is how he apparated back home and is alive. That locket has to be a Horcrux." Regulus sighed. " I know it. The Dark Lord thinks elf magic is beneath him to consider and made a fatal mistake-He didn't think Kreacher would've escaped alive to tell me all of this. It's a heinous crime-creating Horcruxes is one of the worse forms of Dark Arts in recorded history."_  
_"Why are you telling me all this now?" Sirius asked, his heart in his throat. This is way worse than what anyone could've anticipated._  
_"Because I can't-I won't work for someone like this." Regulus whispered. " I can't aid this."_  
_"You want to join the Order?" Sirius asked, a sliver of warm hope bursting in his chest._  
_"Hell no!" Regulus retorted. " Dumbledore is as bad as Him in certain ways. He's controlling and manipulative and thinks he owns everyone. Like what he did to Remus."_  
_Sirius's eyes shot up to him. " How can you possibly know what he did to Remus ?"_  
_" Of course we know and don't pretend that you don't know that Dumbledore will use Remus again." Regulus said matter of factly. "It's only a matter of time before he's send back to Greyback."_  
_"This is not the topic of discussion here." Sirius replied bitterly. The thought of Remus going back made him want to puke._  
_"It's going to have to be only you and I. I'll trust only you and it'll be good if we can work alone. My life hangs in the balance here. If He finds out what I know, it'll be the end of us all. I've forbidden Kreacher from leaving Number 12." Regulus said all these very confidently but Sirius could see the panic at the corner of his eyes. He was dying for help but would never accept it._  
_"I can say no?" Sirius asked, " You want me to hide this from James, Lily, Peter and Remus and you're asking me to trust you. I don't have proof of anything. You're asking me to take a leap of faith here."_  
_"You can say no." Regulus quietly replied. " The rest I cannot vouch for."_  
_" Does Alberforth know?" Sirius whispered._  
_"Of course not. The right price can buy his silence. I trust him on that." Regulus relaxed a little in his chair. " See, Sirius take a few days and tell me, okay?"_  
_Sirius nodded." How have you been?" The words fell out of his mouth before he had a chance to stop himself. Regulus looked much older, burdened with knowledge he didn't want. The large black bags under his eyes were enough for Sirius to know that he hadn't slept properly in days, maybe always looking over his shoulders to check if someone was was back there to kill him for what he knew._  
_Regulus chuckled humorlessly. " There's no need for pleasantries Sirius. I don't need you looking after me now."_  
_"You know that I care." Sirius said sincerely. " I wouldn't have come otherwise."_  
_"Fair point." Regulus sighed again. " Well, I'm not staying at Number 12 anymore." That took Sirius by surprise. Regulus was not the type of person to leave home. His surprise might've shown on his face. " Since Father died last year, Mother's been drinking too much; cursing both verbally and magically. I walked away as well. Took a small flat opposite side of the city- as far away from her as possible. I was suffocating in there."_  
_" You're wearing muggle clothes." Sirius whispered at the transformation he was witnessing._  
_"Got tired of robes as well." Regulus hung his head back and massaged his neck with his hand._  
_" Can I ask you something?" Sirius asked his throat closing._  
_"Sure."_  
_" You said you know that Remus went to Greyback. Do you..Do you know what happened?" Sirius couldn't look at his brother in the eye._  
_" From what I know and see, maybe they wanted him to hunt; you know just to make sure he belonged there. He could've refused; probably did and the pack will obviously hurt an individual if they go against common will." Regulus said._  
_Sirius's stomach churned as the image of Remus's bloodied body flashed in front of him and those blood curling screams._  
_"He didn't say anything, did he?" Regulus asked knowingly._  
_Sirius nodded. They'd not even spoken about the injuries._  
_"It would've been quite traumatic and it was only last month.Give it some time."_  
_Sirius nodded again. Time. Did they have much of that anymore?_  
_"You really love him?" Regulus asked and again it took Sirius by surprize. They'd never exactly spoken about their private lives before. But then again this evening had turned out to be quite a revelation._  
_"I..I do."Sirius said. " So what exactly do you want me to do?" Sirius asked not wanting to talk about Remus and Greyback anymore._  
_"I'm still gathering information about the Horcruxes but I want to destroy the one I have." Regulus said but the last words lacked confidence._  
_"How?" Sirius asked._  
_"I don't know."_  
_"Do you know what objects have been turned to Horcruxes?"_  
_"No."_  
_"Then what the fuck is it that you are asking me to do?" Sirius asked rather irritated. Regulus barely had any information. What were they supposed to work on?_  
_"Look..I..Kreacher knows where one is. He can take us to the cave and we can bring that back..."_  
_"And do what with it?" Sirius asked exasperated. " You want to walk around with a part of Voldemort's soul?"_  
_"I don't know what I'll do. I just know that this has to be stopped." Regulus said calmly. " Now you can sit and question me all you want but I don't have answers or we could figure this out together one step at a time."_  
_"I can't imagine lying to Remus." Sirius said finally. " So if I decide to do this- this better be worth it."_  
_"You trust Remus and I'm not saying he'll betray any of you but telling anyone about this is dangerous for them. They'll have a target on their back. If Dumbledore sends him to Greyback again- and Greyback is on The Dark Lord's side right now- There's no telling what they'll do to him if they think he knows something."_  
_Regulus's words made Sirius shiver. This was getting worse by the minute. " Can you just give me a little time to think and process this through?"_  
_"Yes. But decide fast. Meet me in three days. Here. Same time." Regulus got up and put on his robes. " We leave separately. Wait for ten minutes after I leave."_  
_With that Regulus opened the door and walked down the stairs leaving Sirius, alone with a head full of information and loud, conflicting voices in his head._

  
_**_

  
_His wristwatch showed ten minutes to eleven. He was just on time. Remus must've been worried out of his mind. He'd apparated a mile from their house and decided to walk just to clear his head. The rain had stopped leaving behind a clear dark blue sky, shimmering stars and the waning gibbous moon, still pulling at Remus's muscles. He could feel it. He regretted not apparating directly on the porch every time he stepped on a puddle and splashed water. By the time he knocked on the door, his jeans was half covered in mud._  
_Remus opened the door, wand at the ready and looking far too worried that Sirius would've liked. He sighed as soon as he saw Sirius and his shoulders seemed to sag under some invisible force. " Thank Merlin." ,he whispered before pulling Sirius lightly in for a hug. Sirius saw Remus flinch at his own movements but didn't say anything. He too really just needed to feel Remus's presence._  
_"There's some pasta from yesterday. I'll heat it up. " Sirius rummaged around the fridge as Remus settled on a chair._  
_"What will you eat? I thought about making..." Remus stared saying but Sirius cut him off._  
_"Absolutely not. I'm sorry I wasn't here today properly and that we fought. I'm sorry. And as for the food you need to eat. I'll just eat bread or something. You really need to eat."_  
_Remus looked ready to argue but Sirius just said "Please." And made his puppy dog eyes.That got to Remus every time. Remus sighed and rolled his eyes and there was even a hint of smile on his worn out face._  
_"You're not a puppy." He said and Sirius smirked and put the pasta to heat._  
_"So what did Regulus say?" Remus asked quietly as they both sat down at the table._  
_" He.um..he didn't show." Sirius said taking a bite out of his bread._  
_Remus looked confused. " Then what took you so long?"_  
_"I just..ahem..wanted to see if he comes. Give him some time. You know how Puerce taught us to detect and loose a tail. It takes time right? So I just.." He shrugged. He'd lost what little appetite he had left._  
_"I'm sorry. I know it meant a lot to you." Remus reached out across the table to hold Sirius's hand._  
_"Yeah." He said concentrating on how Remus's fingers curled around his.There was dust under his nails from last night and two of his nails were broken. He should cut them off other wise Remus will cut himself with those. " You should cut your nails."_  
_Remus looked at him sympathetically. "I will. Let's rest for today, okay?"_

  
_**_

  
_Sirius couldn't sleep. He hadn't slept the last two nights either. Whenever he dozed off, he'd see either Remus being mutilated by a pack of blood thirsty wolves or his brother asking for help. He woke up sweating and panting every time and the only reason Remus hadn't noticed anything was because a few nights after the full moon he slept like a rock. Nothing could wake him up and Sirius couldn't have been more grateful._  
_As he woke up the second time that night with the images of Remus's mangled body burned in his head, he immediately turned to make sure Remus was there beside him and sighed when he saw Remus's back facing him. He'd thrown off the sheets down to his ankle in his sleep and Sirius reached out to touch him. He stayed still, trying to feel Remus's back rise up and down with every breath and then he scooted closer to Remus running his hand along the delicate arch of his back. He could feel the scars and count Remus's vertebrae in the dark. He got up and supported himself on his left arm, pressed a light kiss on Remus's shoulder, and then on his ear and cheek through a haze of golden hair that looked almost white in the dark. Remus only breathed deeply in response._  
_Sirius knew he wouldn't get any sleep. It was three in the morning when he went to the washroom and washed away the sticky sweat from over his face and neck. As he caught his sorry reflection in the mirror-large black bags under his eyes, hollow cheeks, unnaturally high cheekbones, and collarbones jutting like he was malnourished- he wondered how he'd do it; how would he lie to Remus? It was like lying to his own soul. Not including Remus in something so huge was like waking up one day and realizing that half of his arms and legs have been amputated. His emotions had been oscillated between excruciating, heart-wrenching guilt and paralyzing, numbing pain. If Remus had noticed anything, he hadn't mentioned it._  
_That evening when they finished training, James and Lily suggested they buy some food and go back to their flat to have dinner. Sirius's muscles contracted strangely as he racked his brain to think of a way to escape around 9. As if lying to Remus wasn't bad enough- now he would have to deceive everyone at the same time. But he agreed with a smile plastered on his face._  
_As they sat with Indian food around the table, Sirius playing with his food, James and Lily, somehow glowing with and aura that seemed unearthly in the dark times they live in, said they had to tell them something. Sirius instinctively knew even before the words were said- James and Lily were pregnant. Peter jumped at what seemed like over the top enthusiasm. Even Remus smiled and congratulated them but Sirius saw how tight his muscles looked under everything._  
_"Congratulations. It's amazing news." He managed to say at last. He could only imagine how bad it looked, how fake his voice sounded. James didn't seem convinced, he could tell. As the rest of them fell into easier conversations, Sirius noticed the time. It was 8.30. He would have to leave._  
_"I'll go get a packet of cigarettes." He said and four pairs of eyes turned to look at him._  
_"You want me to come?" Remus asked, worried and biting his lower lips-something he did when his brain was thinking overtime._  
_"No. I'll be back in a bit."_  
_Sirius bought a packet before apparating to a dingy alley behind the Inn and knocked._  
_"He isn't here yet." Alberforth said closing the door behind Sirius._  
_"I'll wait."_  
_Ten minutes later when Regulus arrived, he genuinely looked surprised to find Sirius there. " I didn't think you would come."_  
_"I almost didn't" Sirius said. " Look I'll do this but we need to decide a few things."_  
_"Yes.. We do." Regulus took a chair and sat down, indicating Sirius to do the same._  
_"You're not going to inform me anything via owls. It's too dangerous and Remus might find out. You will not, under any circumstances come anywhere close to where we live,not even if you think my life is in danger. Remus stays out of this no matter what. Same goes for James, Lily and Peter. " Sirius lighted a cigarette and Regulus looked disgusted at the smell._  
_"That can be arranged. We'll meet here once a week, discuss whatever we need to, plan whatever we have to and we decide when to execute what. It will be a slow process but for now I can work with that." Regulus sighed._  
_"Okay. Fix a day."_  
_"Thursdays. 9 p.m.?"_  
_"I can work with that."_  
_"I will wait not wait more than fifteen minutes if you're late.The same goes for you. This is perhaps the most dangerous thing we'll have ever done. We need to be careful." Regulus sounded calmer than Sirius could begin to imagine._  
_"Yeah." Sirius agreed. " I need to leave today. I have a very bad excuse."_  
_" Sirius, there's something I need to tell you." Regulus stopped him. " There are rumors that the Dark Lord is gathering werewolf support through Greyback and they want Lupin."_  
_Sirius's stomach churned. " What are you saying?"_  
_"They want Remus on their side."_  
_"Why?"_  
_"He's educated unlike the rest of them. He can represent them in forums where they're not allowed to represent themselves and most of all The Dark Lord wants to make an example of him- If he's not on the Dark Lord's side, other werewolves will assume they have a choice to not follow him. Bringing Remus in sends a clear message that everyone has to follow the Dark Lord."_  
_The room suddenly tilted and Sirius had to sit back down._  
_"It's only a rumor. I don't know what is ultimately going to happen." Regulus said softly. But they both knew the worse would come to pass._  
_When Sirius caught his breath he left the pub and apparated to James's house hastily._  
_" Where have you been? It's been quarter of an hour." Peter asked in his usual high pitched voice._  
_"The shops were closed. I had to walk." They'd finished eating and Remus looked ready to go home. Sirius looked at the rest of his friends- Remus especially- as he bid goodbye to the rest and it struck him how transitory everything had ultimately turned out to be. There are very few defining moments in life when people can see everything clearly and Sirius guessed this was one of those for him. As he saw everyone standing around him, laughing, James and Lily ecstatic, high on adrenaline, on the verge of starting a new life, he realized it wouldn't last; none of it would. This would be one of the last evenings they spend in such bliss. Things had already begun falling apart- whether the others saw it, he couldn't say._  
_" Are you okay?" Remus asked later when they'd apparated back to their cottage and he'd spend a considerable amount of time stating outside the window, listening to the crackling of the firewood and the drone of nightly creatures._  
_Sirius nodded. Remus came and stood behind him, slipping his hand around Sirius's waist. " I know you're worried about Regulus-that he didn't show up. You can talk to me. I'm here."_  
_Sirius stared at their ghostly reflection in the half open window pane and wondered, for the thousandth time, how he would hide everything from Remus for Merlin knows how long. " There's nothing to say. He's gone, maybe. He's been gone since seventh year. Why should it bother me now?"_  
_Remus sighed but didn't say anything. " You're on edge. Everything about you- your muscles; I can smell your tension." Remus slipped his hands down to Sirius's belt and undid them as he landed butterfly kisses all along Sirius's shoulders and neck. Sirius felt sparks in the little places Remus was touching him and suddenly he wanted to feel all of Remus in one go. It was such an over whelming urge bordering on madness, far from the gentle love they shared. An involuntary moan escaped him as Remus slipped his hands under the elastic and Sirius felt Remus's half hard cock press against his ass. Remus sucked at his neck making him thrown his head back, dizzy in need and in the pain and grief of lying to Remus. Remus pulled down his jeans and underwear and took Sirius in his hands making him gasp-almost sob- at how painfully he was throbbing. Remus hummed nothingness into his ears, his long fingers working their magic at Sirius and he had to support himself against the window because his legs felt like jelly, clammy and trembling under him. He came within minutes-panting, chanting Remus's name like a mantra- the only thing holding and rooting him. He would've collapsed on the ground had Remus not been holding him firmly from the back._  
_"Let's go to bed." Remus whispered when Sirius had somewhat found his breath._  
_"Yes..you..I would.." Sirius turned to look at him as Remus muttered a charm to clean him up._  
_"You don't have to." Remus pushed back the hairs sticking on Sirius's face and kissed him deeply._  
_"I want to." Sirius said when they broke away._  
_Sirius stepped out of the puddle of clothes and pulled Remus to their bedroom. He took his time, removing every piece of clothing off Remus and kissing the scars that he knew made Remus melt in a frenzy, dizzying need. He pushed Remus on to the bed and kissed the insides of his thighs. Remus's back arched up as he threw his head back into the pillow and moaned loudly. Sirius kissed and licked around his cock and thighs until Remus was squirming under him, begging him to just do it already through half closed eyes behind dark eyelashes and irises that changed color unpredictably. Sirius took him in his mouth, hot and throbbing flesh, and held Remus down by the hips. He moved slowly making sure to feel and make Remus feel everything he could possibly make him feel._  
_Remus came in his mouth, hot and sticky._  
_"Fuck!" Remus cursed under his breath and pulled Sirius up to him. " You okay?" He asked as Sirius wiped away his lips with the back of his hands._  
_Sirius nodded breathlessly._  
_"I love you, Sirius, so much." Remus kissed him. "It pains me to see how you're hurting. Talk to me, okay? Whenever you're ready, just talk to me."_  
_Sirius snuggled closer to Remus, their legs intertwined, chests pressing together, sweaty, even in the early December chill. Sirius counted Remus's heartbeat, strong and steady under too think skin and countable ribs- He was right at home._  
_**_  
_The next few months passed in a frenzy of activities and celebrations. They'd all spent Christmas together at James's flat where Lily,Sirius and Remus had cooked heart-warming meals for everyone. James had been barred from entering the kitchen because they all knew he was bound to burn something up. Peter only came during the evening. Apparently his mother had requested his help for cooking the Christmas meal at their house and his grandparents were also in town. Though James didn't cook, he couldn't stay away from Lily for more than ten minutes at a time, which meant the kitchen was over crowded with the four of them cooking and tasting their own meal. James ate most of the cookies that Remus had baked in the first batch and then Remus spent the entire evening cursing him and baking more cookies. As Sirius and Lily put up the lights on the small Christmas tree, a pang of sadness gripped Sirius as he wished for Mr. and Mrs. Potter to be alive. Before knowing James, Sirius had only know the stiff, cold parties in green at Grimmauld Place. James showed him how Christmas was about twinkling red and yellow lights and Christmas decorations and the smell of home baked chocolate chip cookies. He remembered helping Euphemia bake cookies after he'd ran away from home. His endeavors had left the whole kitchen in a mess of flower and dough and Euphemia and Fleamont had just laughed and hugged and kissed him._  
_"I know, Sirius." Lily said softly. He looked up at her green eyes to realize his were hazy with tears. " James missed them a lot too. But he tries to keep himself busy and hides it. But I can see."_  
_"Of course he does." Sirius sniffed. " They were his own parents."_  
_"Though he keeps saying you loved them more than he ever could." Lily ruffled his hair and took up another shiny streamer to hang on the wall._  
_"Next Christmas there'll be a little someone with us." Sirius said to change the topic._  
_Lily laughed, he voice chiming and jingling with happiness. " Yes."_  
_Soon after that Lily took up training at St. Mungo's because her healer told her to take it easy on the Auror training. Lily could never bear to be half effective anywhere, so she left Auror training and started training as a healer. She'd always been good at potions and caring for people came to her easily._  
_As the rest neared the end of their training, they were separately assigned to keep watch on different parts of the Ministry as a part of their training. Everyone started working increasingly odd hours and all couples, best friends were separated during such exercises. Sirius and Remus began seeing less of each other increasingly. They seldom met James and Peter either, though, through owls they got to know that they were sometimes paired together._  
_Regulus missed more and more meetings over the months. Sirius kept lying to Remus about just going out for a walk sometimes when he actually would apparate to Hogsmeade only to be met by Alberforth who would tell Sirius that Regulus had had to leave early because of some perceived threat. On such occasions, Sirius returned with another date and time memorized as to when he would again have to meet his brother. None of their original planning had worked out. He, due to unpredictable and odd hours, also missed meetings on days when Regulus managed to be free. On days when they could meet, they discussed about what Regulus had found and most of the was terrifying enough for Sirius to ever think over again. On one sultry mid summer night, Regulus turned up and held in front of Sirius what seemed like a royal locket possibly belonging to a Slytherin._  
_"What is this?" Sirius asking, turning over the heavy locket in his hands._  
_"I looked into Kreacher's mind and found the locket that the Dark Lord made him hide in the caves. This a replica of that." Regulus said, tremendously satisfied at himself._  
_"Who made it?" Sirius asked." Is this what you've been doing for the past month that you didn't show up?"_  
_"Not important. The less you know the better. But do yo know what this is?" He asked._  
_It looked familiar. Somewhere at the back of his mind, he knew he'd see it but he couldn't place it._  
_"It belonged to Salazar Slytherin and the Dark Lord has used this which means..."_  
_"..that he'll use other tokens belonging to the original founders." Sirius finished for him. " Wow! They're powerful objects no doubt."_  
_"So now we know what to look for." Regulus said with child like enthusiasm._  
_"How did Voldemort get it? Is he the heir..?" Sirius asked._  
_"No. He isn't. I asked Mother and in her drunken haze and amongst other blabbering she said that she'd searched for the original locket because, you know, how she likes these artifacts but she didn't get it. Hepzibah Smith-apparently a Huffelpuff- she had bought it from Borgin and Burks."_  
_"What was something like this doing in..?"_  
_But Regulus continued as if Sirius weren't even there. " Then mother said something interesting. Apparently, Hepzibah was killed later on and mother went over, you know, to see if she could get her hands on the locket now that she was dead but the locket was never found in her house. Hepzibah Smith's house elf made a confession that he killed the woman and was prosecuted. Now who else..."_  
_"Voldemort orchestrated it." Sirius connected the dots. " But how does mother know it? She was.."_  
_"Yes, it was before her marriage. But even grandmother was apparently a collector." Regulus sighed now that he seemed to have revealed everything to Sirius. "She also had Helga Hufflepuff's cup but obviously mother wasn't interested in that."_  
_"That is a lot of information." Sirius dragged his palm down his face and looked at the locket. "You're sure it's an exact match?"_  
_"Well mother jumped out of her drunken haze when she saw it. I had to obliviate her. So i guess it's authentic." Regulus said matter of factly._  
_Sirius looked horrified at his brother. " You obliviated her?"_  
_"Woah! Is that sympathy I sense?" Regulus said sarcastically. " Careful brother.."_  
_"Regulus I don't care for..."_  
_"I hated her too you know?" Regulus said, fire burning in his eyes. "For what she did to you. I only stayed because I also cared for them. I just didn't hate them. You just hated them."_  
_"Reg, I'm sorry.." Sirius began a lump forming in his throat._  
_"For what leaving?" Regulus asked snatching away the locket from his hand. " Don't be. I know they would've killed you had you stayed the way you did but at least you could've pretended to be like us in front of them. You didn't have to be the fucking Maverick. You could've stayed and we could've stayed as brothers. But no. Nothing other than your humongous emotions matter."_  
_"I've always cared for..loved you." Sirius whispered looking down at his hands._  
_"But you've never done anything about it." Regulus mentioned. There was no malice that Sirius could detect in his voice, no judgement or anger. Nothing. And that, he realized, was worse. Being a lost cause to someone was worse than being the wrong cause._  
_"Anyway," Regulus said after a while. " We should once go and check the cave for possible threats other than the dormant inferis. So we need to fix a day to do that."_  
_"I will get my week's schedule tomorrow.." Sirius whispered unable to speak louder._  
_"Okay, the. Let's meet in three days and the we can decide when to go to the cave." Regulus packed up his things and left._  
_Sirius sat silently, alone in the room after Regulus left, going over everything in his head. At twenty he could see how he could've acted but at fifteen, choosing his own path, principles had seemed like the right course of action. James and his parents accepted him because of who he is, isn't it? Was being a hypocrite better? If Regulus had believed and acted on everything he believes in now, couldn't everything have been easier? They could've both escaped that house, together. Had he done that, maybe, he would never had had the dark mark he now sought to escape. Walburga and Orion didn't help Regulus in anyway once he had been branded. Orion had dies a couple of years back and Walburga, heart broken at the loss was apparently drinking herself away to oblivion. It surprised Sirius that she had the capacity to be heart broken at the Orion's death. They'd never seemed to be in love. Or perhaps there were greater losses in Orion's death than Sirius could comprehend. But Regulus has never and will never hold their parents responsible for anything. Was that his love to them? Then how could he obliviate Walburga so easily?Could that be his revenge- the caring son who doesn't care anymore?_  
_Alberforth placed a bottle of fire whisky and two glasses in front of him. " Looks like you need it."_  
_Sirius sighed. "Yeah, I can use some."_  
_"Family is hard." Alberforth said taking a sip from his glass." Doesn't mean you don't care for them."_  
_Sirius scoffed." Do you even talk to Dumbledore?"_  
_"Rarely.."_  
_"You don;t want to fight for the Order? I've never seen you.." Sirius began but trailed off. It really was none of his business._  
_"I want to fight for freedom. Not for the Order. I do not approve of my brother's methods. He'll do anything to serve his needs which, I think, you already know."_  
_Sirius felt sick every time someone mentioned this. It made the hair on his neck stand up with fear and hate; made him feel like everyone knew that Dumbledore had Remus at his disposal to be sent to the werewolves whenever needed. What Regulus had warned him about hadn't come to pass yet but it gnawed on him every time Dumbledore took Remus aside privately and Remus always refuses to discuss these things with him._  
_"I should be going." Sirius gulped down the rest of the whiskey in a go. "Thanks for this."_

_**_

_Sirius stirred in his sleep. Someone just tumbled into the bedroom, clumsily."Rem?" He didn't know if he even called him out loud. He was so tired he could barely open his eyes, let alone move._  
_"It's okay. Sleep." It was Remus, maybe he's back from his night shift. Then why does he feel so tired? If Remus was back from his night shift he should've slept for almost five hours by now..but his thoughts muddled up and he feel asleep before he could think further._  
_Later he was woken up by the sound of retching in the washroom. Once his mind realized it was Remus, all his sleep vanished and he rushed to the washroom to find Remus hunched over the toilet- body convulsing violently as he dry-heaved._  
_Sirius wetted a towel with cold water and held that over Remus's neck and back as he rid out his nausea._  
_"I'm sorry to wake you." Remus sniffed as Sirius handed him a class of cold water. "Thanks."_  
_"Remus, please.." Sirius faltered._  
_"No, seriously. We're all working over-time. We should all get proper rest." Remus said leaning against the cold, tilled bathroom wall where Sirius had been sitting all this while._  
_"That includes you, you know." Sirius sighed and brushed away the hair falling over Remus's face._  
_Remus laughed bitterly; Sirius couldn't say why. " I need to cut my hair. It's grown unnecessarily long not to mention this arson weather."_  
_Personally, Sirius loved long hair on Remus. In the morning when sunlight caught his bed head, the hallow around his head made him look like and angel. It was a stupid thought, Sirius knew, at twenty. But this notion had struck with him since second year and he'd never spoken it out loud._  
_"You need to take care of yourself, since I can't." Sirius winked but was dead serious about it._

 _"I'll be fine. Just wrong timing for food and no sleep and everything that's been going on.."_  
_"Looked to me like you didn't eat at all, wrong time or otherwise." Sirius sighed._  
_"That's because I already vomited once when I appareted back..." Remus got up and rinsed his mouth._  
_"Why didn't you come by floo like we usually do?" Sirius asked looking at Remus's movements. He could tell something was off. This wasn't just wrong food timing even if it was close to a full moon._  
_"I was with Dumbledore..." That was it. That was all Sirius needed to hear to know where this was leading. " Look Sirius, can we just please go to sleep now. It's already four in the morning, we'll be lucky if we get three hours of sleep. We can talk in the morning."_  
_With stars dancing at the corners of his eyes, ears ringing and the room tilting he managed to make it to bed along with Remus. Whether he passed out after that or fell asleep, he didn't know._


	4. Chapter 4

One night, a couple of weeks before Halloween, after dinner, which Sirius preferred to have in the confines of his living quarters and in solitude, there was a knock on Sirius’s chamber door. He was smoking and hoped it wouldn’t be a student for whom he’d have to butt out the remaining cigarette.

“Who is it?” He sighed.

“Sirius, it’s me.” Harry’s voice came from the other side.

He hurried and opened the door, pulling Harry in. He’d not seen Harry properly in days. No that he'd tried, he just wasn’t sure how Harry or the staff would take it. But now that he was here, Sirius couldn’t stop himself from hugging his godson tightly. He seemed healthier than he did before and in a fleeting moment Sirius realized that he hadn’t noticed how thin Harry had grown in the month they hadn’t met. That was up till now. He cursed himself inwardly at his negligence and vowed that it would never happen again. At least this school served Harry better than it did him.

“How have you been?” Sirius asked as he sat down on a chair, Harry following his lead.

“Great, everything’s been good.” Harry replied but his enthusiasm fell off far too fast.

“What’s the matter?” Sirius asked.

“You know, Professor Trelawney predicted..well we were reading tea leaves and she saw a grim in my cup…”

Sirius looked at him concerned. “ The grim as in..”

“The omen of death, yeah.” But Harry must’ve sensed his uneasiness. “Don’t worry Professor McGonagall told me she does that sort of a prediction every year and nothing has ever happened..”

“Right.” Sirius whispered, deep in thought.

“It actually reminded me a little of you.” Harry said softly.

Sirius had shown Harry that he was an animagus only few months back, the end of last term, when Harry had come to stay with him for a week and Sirius wouldn’t let him out of his sight after the incidents in the Chamber of Secrets. “The grim?”

“I mean, I thought it was Padfoot in the cup and then the professor told me it was the grim.” Harry smiled uncomfortably.

Sirius smiled wryly. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d himself as Padfoot. Did he really look like the grim?

“And anyway, “Harry continued. “Quidditch has been great. Oliver comes up with new things every day and Malfoy has been blaming Hagrid for his incident with the Hippogriff when he was partly at fault but I guess that’s Hogwarts; wouldn’t be the same without his antics.”

Sirius smiled. He knew and recently had found himself wondering on occasions, how every batch had something a little different than the rest, all of them with their separate charms.

“I came because of this.” Harry held out a piece of parchment. It was the consent letter for visiting Hogsmeade. Dumbledore had given him strict instructions to not sign it and to not allow Harry to visit the village. With Remus possibly on the loose and no one knowing his state of mind, it was too much of a risk.

“Harry, I..I can’t…” Sirius took the letter in his hand, deep in thought. He would have to explain a lot of things now, things he didn’t want to think about. But Harry’s always been inquisitive and he would have to talk to him about the details of James and Lily’s death sooner or later. Sirius sighed. And just like that a simple night was turning complicated.

“What is it?” Harry asked a little irritated and worried.

“Harry, there’s a lot..and with Re..Remus free…”

“What..so you think he’ll try to attack me in a village full of people? And why would he? What does this man have against me?” Harry asked exasperated.

“You know only certain things. There’s a lot more that went down and is going on..” Sirius put out his cigarette when he felt the heat on his fingertips . He hadn’t taken a single drag since Harry’s arrival.

“Tell me then. There’s just too many secrets here.”

Sirius looked at Harry-his fierce green eyes demanding an explanation-so like Lily and his body- half turned towards where Sirius had stood up and walked over to, fists clenched and those always unruly hair-like James.

“Okay. Yes.” Sirius sighed. “You deserve to know the truth.”

Harry looked surprised. He’d probably thought Sirius would show more resistance.

“Voldemort had wanted your parents on his side.” Sirius said.

Harry looked confused. “But my mum was muggle-born…wasn’t Voldemort all about blood purity and stuff?”

“Yes. But Lily was also an extremely talented and strong- gifted, mostly. Voldemort also knew that James wouldn’t leave Lily and since the Potters’ are one of the Sacred Twenty-eight, he wanted them on his side.”

“Scared Twenty-eight?”

“The families believed to have been pure of blood-no muggles. Though lot of people don’t consider the Weasleys’ and the Potters’ a part of that anymore because of how liberal they are towards muggle.”

“Ron?”

“Yes. They are considered pure blood people though almost every family has some muggle ancestry- my family, the Lestrange and a few others being the exception.” Sirius sighed again.” Anyway so both James and Lily refused him over and over. When Lily conceived, rumors started going around about how Voldemort considered you a threat.”

“Me?...But why?”

But Sirius continued without answering. “Even before you were born, your parents moved around a lot- always shifting, renting houses under false identities until they got tired of it. Eventually they went back to the flat they’d originally rented after finishing school. Now around this time…” Sirius trailed off breathing heavily. _Remus. Oh God! Remus._

“Sirius, are you okay?” Harry looked at him concerned but Sirius decided to continue.

“Remus was our friend from school.” That shocked Harry- Sirius could see it on Harry’s face. “He is a werewolf. Turning once every full moon, he would lose his mind completely for a night. We were part of a resistance group then known as The Order of The Phoenix, made by Dumbledore to stop Voldemort. They sent us on missions, infiltrating other groups, convincing people to not join Voldemort-things like that. Remus was sent to work with a werewolf named Fenrin Greyback who was largely the leader of the werewolf community back then. Werewolves are not allowed to go to schools like us or use magic or possess wands. Remus could only because Dumbledore took him in. And eventually when the time came Dumbledore used him to infiltrate Greyback and gather his support. I was given missions of my own and I’d also worked on something that I’d felt would’ve yielded results back then. But I didn’t tell anyone.

"Eventually when we realized that there was a traitor in our midst and the threat against you grew, Dumbledore told James and Lily to take you into hiding. There’s a charm know as the Fideles Charm. It requires only one person to know the address of a house and as long as the secret keeper does not willingly give away the information no one would ever be able to find the house. I volunteered but as no one knew my missions that kept me away for long, they thought…that I..” Sirius’s voice caught as a large lump lodged in his throat.

“They thought you were the traitor?” Harry asked horrified.

Sirius lit up another cigarette and watched from his window as the fuzzy glow around Hagrid’s hut throbbed and the waxing crescent moon hung low in the sky, reflection shimmering in the lake.

“Though James and Lily never told me anything, I knew what they were thinking from their panicked glances. But Remus..Remus accused me of being the traitor and I couldn’t take that coming from him and I left him..left home…” Sirius halted. He’d just given away too much of information. Harry doesn’t need to know that Sirius was in love with the man who killed his parents. But Harry didn’t question him.

“Dumbledore suggested that Remus should be the secret keeper, James and Lily agreed and I was so wrapped up in my wounded feelings that I didn’t object. I threw myself into the work I had been doing and then two days later I got to know that you had defeated Voldemort but James and Lily had been betrayed and killed. Peter had been so outraged that he’d decided to follow Remus and confront him but Remus had blown up an entire street killing Peter and along with him twelve other muggles, innocent bystanders . I begged Dumbledore to let me keep you but he wouldn’t and nothing I’d said or done had changed that.” A few tears had escaped Sirius’s eyes but he was glad that he was facing away from Harry.

As he rubbed his face and turned to look at Harry he was met by the kid’s horrified, confused face.“They were betrayed by a friend?”

_Lily and Peter’s friend. James’s brother. My lover._

“Dumbledore wants to keep you within these walls because we hope Remus can’t get to you here. Anywhere else, he might find and kill you. He is not going to hesitate. For reasons that still elude me, he became Voldemort's supporter.” Sirius said and took a deep breath.  “That’s why I can’t sign the form.”

“Why didn’t you tell me this before? And what happened to you is so unfair..” Harry whispered.

“You are thirteen, getting to know this wonderful world of magic and you have friends who love you and I just got you two years ago- I couldn’t bear to talk about this and burden you with this darkness.. You’re safe and happy and healthy and that’s all that James and Lily would’ve wanted. That is all I want.” Sirius knelt down in front of Harry and took his hands in his own. “ You _are_ my son-I’ve known that since I saw you in Lily’s arms in the hospital. I’ve never loved anyone more. What happened to me doesn’t matter. You’re here with me that is all I care about.”

Harry nodded.

“But with Remus free, we..I can’t let you go outside these walls alone.” Sirius sighed. “I will ask Dumbledore, maybe he’ll let me take you.”

Harry eyes lighted up at that. “You will?”

“I’ll ask Dumbledore. I promise.” Sirius smiled. “Now you should get back. It’s past curfew.”

With a smiling face Harry got up from the chair and bid Sirius goodbye for the day.

As Sirius locked the door behind Harry, a wave of intense sadness and grief overtook him and he had to slide down the wall. It was the first time he’d told Harry about this and with time, he knew, Harry would have more questions. He’ll cross the bridge when it comes to that. Tonight he just decided to change into Padfoot and go off to sleep.

 **

_On a morning of April in 1980, Sirius and Remus lay entangled in each others arms. The full moon had been two days ago and since they had no missions for the next four days, they’d decided to stay put in the old country side shack where Remus transformed. This place had always felt like a safe haven to Sirius. It was always guarded inside out to protect Remus during his transformations and where ever Remus was safe, he felt safe too. Growing up in London, he’d always know what it was like to wake up to a cities noises-cars and buses honking, trains and the tube rattling the window panes, smoke from industries. Here the sounds of nature soothed him-he could feel the earth’s magic vibrating and pulsating through the very ground he walked on, birds chirping, but mostly, he liked days like these when he could wake up to the sound of the damp leaves rustling after a shower and rain water dripped down from them on their rooftop long after the rain, the sun shining from behind dark clouds and the sound of the sea, distant but clear. A part of him felt like these elements were a fundamental part of Remus-it shaped him, molded him and helped him grow._

_Sirius watched as Remus eyeballs moved under his closed eyelids and he breathed in and out softly. They’d both taken a shower the previous night and Remus still smelled of his mint soap. The dog in Sirius wanted to snuggle closer to Remus’s chest and take in that comforting smell._

_“Don’t even think about it.” Remus mumbled._

_“You’re awake.” Sirius asked surprised._

_“Yup. And you’re staring. Keep it to that.” Remus snuggled closer and his stubble brushed against the tender skin on Sirius chest making him giggle._

_“What are you talking about?”_

_“You were sniffing, thinking about changing into Padfoot.” Remus mumbled again._

_Sirius was struck at how well Remus knew him- like their thoughts echoed in each other’s minds. At times like these Sirius realized how much Remus loved him even if he was rude, angry or obsessive around the full moons. “I love you, you know that?”_

_Remus huffed. “Me too.”_

_Sirius wished he could stay like this for the rest of the day. Well, they could but Remus needed to eat. He could just make a quick meal and then be back in bed. It would hardly take fifteen minutes to make toast, coffee and tea._

_“We should get breakfast.” Remus mumbled but made no attempt to get up._

_Sirius laughed. “Yes. I’ll go make something.” Sirius made to untangled himself from Remus when he too got up from the bed, joints popping. “I’ll come too.” Remus winced._

_“You don’t have to. I can do it.” Sirius said as he lit a cigarette and stood bye the window. The sky was partly cloudy, a blue haze engulfed them all around. “It’s too hot for April.”_

_“Yeah.” Remus sat on the edge of the bed, legs tucked under him, examining the gash on his left palm from two nights ago. It still hadn’t healed. “I’ll make the coffee and tea. You make the toast.”_

_Sirius got fresh gauge, cotton and antiseptics from the bathroom cabinet. As he sat down on the bed, Remus took the cigarette from his lips and took a long drag. “I could try some healing spells.”_

_Remus nodded his head as he blew out the smoke, the cigarette handing from his lips, “It isn’t going to work.”_

_Sirius knew and it frightened him to think that Remus could’ve gotten that gash anywhere. Over the years he’d started noticing that his wounds took more and more time to heal. What if Remus’s body was tired and giving up? What would happen if he doesn’t heal after one full moon? He’d read all the books in the school library during their time there but no one seemed to have minutely studied their health, or how long a person, turned as young as Remus had been turned, survived. There was no guide book for him to refer to. With Remus, like always, he was in uncharted waters._

_“You’re over thinking.” Remus whispered tucking the long locks behind Sirius’s ear. He realized he’d been holding and staring at Remus’s palm for a while now. “ I’m fine. You always take care of me Sirius. How can I not be fine?”_

_Sirius nodded and finished bandaging Remus’s hand, coughed away the lump in his throat and took the cigarette from Remus’s lip for one last drag. As he threw the old bandages in the dustbin and put up the water to boil, Remus followed him to the kitchen and put up the milk to boil for Sirius's coffee._

_“I have this bad feeling..” Sirius started but couldn’t continue. He honestly didn’t know what to say or how to put into words the constant dread he felt all the fucking time._

_“About what?” Remus asked brushing up to stand closer to Sirius._

_“Every fucking thing. You, James, Lily, Peter, the kid that’s on it’s way…” Sirius sighed pulling his hair back in frustration._

_Remus stayed silent for a while, looking at him. Sirius could actually see the gears in his head move as he thought of something to say but he was filtering, Sirius could say, cutting down the sharp edges._

_“I know this is our four days away from civilization, Voldemort and every other shit but I can’t stop thinking..dreading…” Sirius was cut off as Remus cupped his face with his warm hands._

_“You are not responsible for everyone, Sirius.” Remus whispered, “And that includes me. All of us are adults who knowingly joined this cause or war or whatever this is. I understand you’re scared so am I but you cannot let it consume you.”_

_“Coming from you that’s…”_

_“Strange. I know.” Remus smiled wearily, smoothing out the creases on Sirius’s brow. “But we’re at war and people are going to die sooner or later the best we can do is be in the present, kiss each other while we can, make love while we can, hold each other while we can…”_

_“Just stop Remus.” Sirius grabbed his arms. “Why are you talking like this? Are you just ready to die?”_

_“I’ve been ready since I was five Sirius…”_

_“Please stop” Sirius almost sobbed and crushed his lips over Remus’s, hungrily taking in all of his taste. He buried his hands in Remus’s wayward, amber curls and tugged hard making Remus moan in his mouth. His guilt and pain about having to lie to Remus for the past four months came crashing down in an instant, knocking the air out of him and he had to break the kiss, breathless and dizzy._

_“I love you, Sirius.” Remus incoherently mumbled as he pulled Sirius further towards himself and slightly bit down on his neck. Despite himself, Sirius moaned. Moony knew how to send him in a frenzy and make him week in the knees with just one single touch and even though Sirius was taller and more muscular than Remus, being a werewolf always gave him the advantage._

_Sirius dug his nails into Remus paper skin thin and could feel the knots of his spine. Fuck. “You have me. All of me.” They’d laid together not fifteen minutes ago, entangled, yet Sirius felt this was somehow the closest they’d been in months, ever since his return from the mission._

_The kettle was hissing and Remus hastily mumbled something to put it off before pushing him back against the wall. Sirius’s head hit it sending jarring pain down his neck but he was too preoccupied at the feel of Remus all over him to notice. He knew how strong and impulsive Remus got around the full moon not to mention all, all of his senses got heightened and that was the reason, Remus insisted they keep the sex out of the equation around that time. To Sirius it had been a forbidden pleasure and now that Remus was so willingly giving himself to him, Sirius couldn’t fight it. Remus would always be stronger than him._

_“We can go to the bed..room” Remus whispered into his ears as he pinned Sirius against the wall, straddling him with his hips._

_“No..” Sirius said breathlessly as he felt Remus’s hard cock against his groin._

_Remus moaned and bit down further into Sirius’s shoulder, grunting as he thrust his hips against Sirius’s. Sirius could smell the blood but the way Remus licked ribbons around it made him forget everything. He could feel the wet patch of Remus’s boxers slide over him and involuntarily he cried out in pleasure, like kids exploring themselves. Remus hurriedly yanked down Sirius’s boxers and without any delay flipped Sirius over- he tripped, the puddle of cloth around his ankle crossing over- but Remus caught his arms in a death grip and steadied him. Sirius gasped, heart hammering in his chest, the blood rushing through him sang at his ears. He knew there was more to this than Remus had let on. Either Remus had been through something bad that he didn’t know about or Remus had found out Sirius had been lying to him- Sirius’s mouth dried up, half in dread at the fact that deep down he thought Remus was being purposefully hurtful, rougher than usual and it wasn’t just because of the moon. Sirius waited, his curtain of black hair falling around him-making him oblivious of everything other than Remus, hands spread out on the wall, head resting against the cold wood, sweat dripping down his chin as Remus stripped off his boxers and placed one of his palms flat on Sirius back while steadying his hips with the other. For split second Sirius felt like he was in a state of suspended animation and then Remus thrust into him with such force that Sirius saw stars dancing on the edges of his vision._

_“..Okay?”..He might’ve imagined Remus’s voice but he couldn’t say no. He guessed he might’ve said yes because Remus started moving in and out of him and Sirius couldn’t control the cries that teared through him every time Remus hit his prostate. His body jerked with Remus’s movement and their skin slapped against each other’s-it made Sirius throb painfully. Blindly Sirius grabbed Remus’s hand that was digging down at his waist and forced Remus to touch him. Remus complied with a moan but pushed Sirius further against the wall and straddled him with one of his thighs making it impossible for Sirius to move. Sirius squirmed under him but with a few more thrusts and Remus_ _coaxing him along his length, he came all over Remus’s hand, screaming illegibly. He felt giddy, weak every where but he was acutely aware of Remus holding him across his stomach and still thrusting in and out of him, grunting and moaning in his ears. Remus came suddenly, the warmth spreading inside Sirius, Remus’s magic mixing into his blood and pumping through his veins._

_As Remus rid the last of his orgasm, his hold on Sirius loosened and Sirius felt like he could finally breath. Remus held him lightly now, kissing his bare back up and down his spine. Remus gently pushed away all of his dark hair to one side and kissed the base of his spine and his shoulder blades._

_“Are you okay?” Remus’s voice was rough and scratchy though he’d hardly spoke a word as he carefully made Sirius face him. Remus’s features darkened the moment he laid eyes on him. “ You’re cry..crying..hurt you?” He mumbled incoherently as he went down on his knees pulling Sirius down with him._

_It took Sirius a beat to understand what Remus was referring to. He hadn’t even realized  he’d cried. “No.” He shouted. He knew Remus was strong and finally realized how much it took Remus to keep control of himself. A part of Sirius was glad that Remus had finally revealed this side to him._

_“ Remus..It’s okay. I am okay.” Sirius pulled Remus’s face up to his. “ Despite everything this is the closest I’ve felt to you in a long time. With everything that has been going on, I am glad that you trust me enough to bare yourself to me.”_

_“You’re hurt.” Remus looked at Sirius’s hips where bruises were blossoming._

_“I’m not.” Sirius said sternly._

_“This is why I do not want to do this around the full moon.” Remus whispered slowly._

_“Well, you clearly need the release.” Sirius kissed him gently on the edge of his lips. “I love you, Remus. All of you- man and beast and everything in between.”_

_Remus sighed in contentment and Sirius eased a little. Maybe all of this was just the full moon’s effect. Maybe Remus hadn’t found out about his secret and most importantly maybe he hadn’t been hurt by anyone else._

_Sirius murmured a cleaning spell as Remus got up and put his boxers back on. Sirius followed. “I’m starving.” He chuckled in an attempt to ease the tension. Remus gave him a tight smile in response but Sirius understood that it was because Remus was still thinking about how much pain he'd caused._

_“I’m fine.” Sirius rolled his eyes as he put the water on the kettle again under Remus’s  gaze wandering over his body looking for signs that he might’ve hurt him._

_“You know..” Sirius absentmindedly said, “ I don’t know why you’re worried about breaking me in situations like these. My parents tortured me enough and I’m fine…” but as a low animalistic  growl escaped Remus, Sirius realized that the comparison was unkind. Remus loved him, all of these was done in love his parent had never loved him._

_“I’m sorry.” Sirius said when he realized how Remus had stopped in his track and was now looking fixedly at a spot on the kitchen counter, his knuckled had gone white from gripping the edge too hard. “It was wrong. All I mean is if I didn’t break when people who hate me hurt me, why do you think what you do in love can hurt me?”_

_“I’m a curse.” Remus said through clenched jaws. “I can rip you apart if I’m not careful.”_

_“But you haven’t. Not me nor Padfoot or the others.” Sirius said rubbing Remus’s back soothingly. “ Your love, Moony’s love is stronger than that darkness. And I love you and admire you for that.”_ _Sirius could feel Remus’s muscles relax under him. “ Okay?”_

_Remus nodded._

_They ate their breakfast in silence. Remus occasionally looked up at him, initially it was a worried, guilty glance but then he blushed when Sirius stared back unblinkingly. “What?” Remus whispered scratching behind his ear- a nervous habit._

_“Nothing.” Sirius winked making Remus blush furiously. Sirius realized they’d been forced to grow up too quickly. He wanted  Remus to laugh and blush more often. Ever since the mission, something had shifted in Remus-a rougher edge had been added to him. But Sirius couldn’t say for sure whether it was all about Remus. His lying had caused a huge chasm in his link with Remus, whether Remus realized that or not, he couldn’t say._

_“We could sleep again.” Remus said when he saw Sirius yawn._

_“It’s actually a great idea. Two more days of this we have.” Sirius lit up another cigarette as Remus made his way to the bedroom._

_Sirius was about to dump his coffee mug in the sink, when a brown owl made it’s way inside their living room. Dread pooled at Sirius stomach like it did every time a letter arrived like this. With shaky hands, he took the letter from the owl’s beak and it flew away instantaneously. It wasn’t addressed to anyone, just a spare bit of parchment. Sirius opened it, Dumbledore’s curvy handwriting said that an emergency meeting would be held that evening at 6.30 in the usual place._

_“You coming?” Remus asked from the other room. Sirius could hear the laughter jingling in Remus’s voice and angrily crushed the parchment in his fists. The universe couldn’t give them a few days of peace?_

_“Sirius?” Remus stood, leaning against the bedroom door, all laughter gone. “ What is it?”_

_“Emergency meeting at 6.30.” Sirius sighed and handed over the ball of parchment to Remus. “Like you said, all we have is the present. And we have 6 hours till we have to deal with this. Lets go to bed.”_

_They both ended up oversleeping and though Remus fussed about it all the way to the Headquarters, it was half-hearted and Sirius knew, had it been possible, they would’ve preferred not walking up at all today. The untimely meeting hung like an omen in the air between them as they pull up in the bike two blocks away from the main building. Remus’s hold on his hips tightened as he delayed getting off the bike._

_His head dropped on Sirius’s shoulder and he sighed._

_“It’s okay. Everything will be okay.” Sirius whispered and placed a hand on Remus’s head._

_T_ _hey saw James and Lily standing on the footsteps of the forlorn building on the edge of town which was the Order headquarters, invisible to all but the members. Lily full pregnant at six months looked heavy and James was holding a comforting arm around her. But as Sirius and Remus approached them, Sirius saw Lily crying copiously into James’s arms. What scared Sirius more was how frightened James looked- on the verge of breaking completely._

_“What happened?” Remus asked as Sirius only stared unable to form words._

_“No one died. It’s better to talk inside.” James whispered._

_“Lily..hey..shh..” Remus rubbed her back and she leaned into him, fresh tears forming in her eyes._

_As Lily left James’s hand, he turned towards Sirius and hugged him. “It’s bad Padfoot, really bad.”_

_“We’ll get through it James. Together.” Sirius whispered. He’d never felt less confident about his words._

_Sirius saw only Frank and Alice join them within the next few minutes. Dumbledore was nowhere to be found though he’d just had a talk with James, Lily, Frank and Alice- both couples expecting._

_“Will someone tell me what the hell happened?” Sirius asked._

_“We were attacked two nights ago.” Frank said. “Death Eaters, they burned down our house. It’s a miracle we were able to get out safely.” Alice looked exceptionally pale. She kept her hand protectively over her bulging belly occasionally wiping away the tears from her eyes._

_“But only order members know where you guys live since Alice is pregnant. How would death eaters know….?” Remus asked._

_“Dumbledore just told us he thinks there’s a mole among us.” Frank said, “ He says our kids are in danger…and he received a Patronas and went out.”_

_“Woah! Hold on. What are you saying?” Sirius asked. Nothing made sense to him. Longbottoms’ getting attacked when only order members know where they live..and Lily, why was she crying like this? Couldn’t be just because Alice got attacked! They were all strong, warriors, fighters-Lily was one of the strongest people Sirius knew._

_“Both of you-you are late.” Dumbledore sternly stated as he came back into the room interrupting Sirius’s thoughts._

_“We got..held up..” Remus said in a haste but Dumbledore didn’t wait for an explanation._

_“I advise you people to go into hiding.” Dumbledore looked at them, piercing blue eyes left no space for argument._

_“What? Why?” Sirius asked the world threatening to break under him._

_“Mr. Black, Mr. Lupin.” Dumbledore said somewhat disappointed. “ Your friends will update you about everything but right now I need to talk to them and then leave. I have other engagements.”_

_“Why do we have to go into hiding?” James asked. “How could Voldemort possibly know about the prophecy?”_

_“When I went to meet Sybill two weeks ago, I did not think I would have to take precaution for an interview for the post of Professor of Divination. Someone over heard us and even though they got to know only half of it, I am afraid, in this case, partial information is more dangerous than the whole.” Dumbledore sighed._

_“Who heard it?” Frank asked, deep in thought._

_“I do not know. Alberforth threw him out before I could get a good look at him.” Dumbledore said. “ But for your own safety, you must go into hiding.”_

_“And you think there is a spy among us, because Voldemort somehow got to know where we live?” Frank asked._

_“Yes.”_

_Sirius’s head felt heavy under all the possible scenarios he thought with the bits of information he could gather._

_“Voldemort has been trying to recruit the four of you for a while now. It could be either of your kids.” Lily gasped as Dumbledore sat down heavily on the chair. He looked aged, more than usual._

_Sirius saw Remus take a chair beside Lily and rub her back comfortingly._

_“Take a day and decide what you want to do. I have said what I think is best for you. But be careful and be alert.” Dumbledore said and waved his hand dismissively._

_“Alice, Frank..” Lily called them as they were leaving, “You can come with us. We are so sorry. We didn’t know you were attacked..”_

_“Don’t worry Lily.” Frank said. “It’s no ones’ fault. We’re all in danger.”_

_“We’ve been staying with Marlen. It’s okay for now.” Alice said. Sirius saw a hint of smile on her face as Frank pulled her close. “Be safe, all of you.”_

_“You too.” Lily said._

_“James…” Sirius wanted to ask the questions firing in his brain but was cut off by James. “Not here.” He whispered. “Let’s go back to our flat.”_

_James and Lily got into their car, bought second hand a few months ago because both apparition and floo made Lily horribly nauseous now. James had learned to drive it, quite well, with Remus’s help._

_Sirius lit up a cigarette as James and Lily left and Remus joined him for the walk back to the bike._

_“I wish we’d stayed in bed.” Remus took the cigarette from between his fingers and took a long drag._

_It surprised Sirius a little. Remus was never the one to want to back out of a difficult situation especially when it came to his friends. Sirius saw Remus’s shoulders drooping-he hadn’t look that tired even this morning. This war was carving out everything they’d built together. Sirius couldn’t deny that he wished the same but if James and Lily and their unborn kid were in trouble, all else could go to hell._

_**_

_Sirius’s head was spinning, his ears ringing as James recounted everything that Dumbledore had told them. He dropped his head in his hands and the blood rushing through his ears drowned out everything else but the sound of his frantic heartbeat. Everyone he loved, the kid who wasn’t even born yet was facing a threat-it could’ve been James and Lily instead of Frank and Alice and they might not even have survived. It made Sirius’s entire body churn with fear, anger and hatred._

_“Hey.” Remus’s quite voice whispered into his ears._

_He looked up to see Remus bending down over him, supporting his neck. Sirius felt hot and cold at the same time. Fuck! He’d had a panic attack. He couldn’t afford to be the weak one when his friends were facing the real threat._

_Lily placed a glass of water in front of him on the table. “Okay?” She asked as she took a chair beside him and ruffled his hair._

_Sirius nodded. “I’m sorry.”_

_“Don’t be.” Lily smiled a little. “I’m scared too.”_

_Sirius wanted to burst out into tears at the honest confession. Even saying this out loud had seemed like threat these past few months- like it would leave a gaping hole in the courage they’d accumulated piece by piece. But Sirius just took Lily’s hand in his and squeezed them gently, understandingly._

_“So it can be both your and their kid.” Remus said._

_“But only one will be the chosen one and apparently Voldemort will choose him by marking him but the person at the Hogs Head Inn heard only the first part. He, assuming he’s Voldemort’s informant, only knows that a child born at the end of July will be the one to vanquish him.” James said. “Merlin knows how many Voldemort will kill for this. There could be so many couples pregnant…”_

_“But they haven’t defied Voldemort, James.” Lily said, like she was explaining this for the hundredth time._

_“Lily, how exactly have we defied him?” James asked exasperated. “ He’d asked us, all of us to join him and we refused, he threatened but no harm was done. And even then we knew that it was mostly Sirius he was after. We surely haven’t ‘thrice defied him’.”_

_“What about Frank and Alice?” Remus asked. “ Did they..?”_

_“I don’t know.” Lily said. “ I mean if they were asked to join him again the night they were attacked, then it might be twice, I think. First time was, same as us, just out of school.”_

_“Not that I know much about prophecies but we have to be prepared. There’s a chance you might be attacked again, if the prophecy does indeed apply to you.” Remus said and Sirius looked up at him, horrified. James and Lily’s reactions exactly mirrored his. Remus looked away, undoubtedly uncomfortable at being the one to say the forbidden, scary thoughts._

_“Why does Dumbledore think it applies to you?” Sirius asked just to break the silence. “ If you haven’t defied Voldemort thrice..”_

_“Because Frank and Alice were attacked and further more they’re purebloods and so is James and so will be our kid.” Lily said. “ Why do you think we might be attacked again?” she asked Remus._

_“Lily, I…” Remus looked rather ashamed of what he’d said earlier and Sirius had to bite down his words to defend him because even he was curious as to what was going on in Remus’s head._

_“No, Remus please. You are one of the smartest and knowledgeable people I know. I need to know what you’re thinking.” Lily said. “ You don’t need to be so flabbergasted. I’m asking for your help.”_

_Remus hesitated and waited a minute to gather the thoughts in his head.“Prophies are strange..twisted words which can have multiple interpretation and almost always do. Like it makes no sense that Voldemort would attack you or them simply because you’re pregnant or pure blood when you haven’t actually defied him thrice. It’s like knowing what can happen, increases the chance that it will happen simply because people think it will happen. It’s like a circle, there’s no beginning or end.”_

_Lily nodded thoughtfully. “That seems possible.”_

_“You should go into hiding.” Remus whispered._

_“For how long?” Lily asked._

_“As long as it takes to keep you and the baby safe.” James said and Sirius couldn’t have agreed more._

_“We need to fight to protect our kid, James. It’s our duty to make this a safer place for him.” Lily said, her green eyes beginning to shimmer-the kind which told people she was not someone to be messed with._

_“You don’t know if it will be a him.” James said matter of factly, pulling his hair back and Sirius almost laughed. That is what stood out in the sentence for James! That was so typically James._

_“Yes, I know.” Lily shouted as she started pacing, her hands on her hips. “I’m the mum, I know.”_

_Sirius understood they’d been having this argument for quite some time and smiled a little. He looked at Remus to see that a slight smiled had escaped him as well, his canines flashing. Sirius toppled in love all over again with that smile._

_“James.”_

_“Lily.” James whispered. “I too want to fight to keep him safe but we have to be able to have him to keep him safe and that’s not possible if you’re dead.”_

_“I’m not gonna die.” Lily said dismissively._

_“Alice could have.” James said and walked over to his wife. “ I have to keep you safe.” He pulled her in for a deep kiss._

_Sirius looked at Remus and smiled earning a smile in return. They seldom kissed in the public or even in front of their friends and though it had bothered Sirius initially he understood that Remus’s sense of being discriminated ran too deep but he seldom held back in private. The thought of the events of that morning suddenly filled him with warmth but it seemed forever ago._

_“You can stay at the shack where Remus transforms. It’s hidden, under his fathers’s name. You should be safe there.” Sirius said and looked at Remus for any objection. There was none. Remus agreed in an instant._

_“No, It’s too risky for Remus.” James said, “With Greyback...” But James stopped as Lily hit him in the shoulder._

_Sirius was hit with a lightning jolt and Remus looked sickly faint. “You know about that?”_

_“We heard..” Lily said. “Remus it’s…I’m so sorry that Greyback’s after you.”_

_It was no secret that Greyback wanted Remus but he hadn’t acted upon it yet. “It’s fine, Lily.” Remus whispered._

_“We were actually thinking that we could stay in your flat for a few days just till we find another one for us.” Lily asked._

_“If you don’t mind.” James added._

_“No.” Both Sirius and Remus said together._

_“You can stay where ever you need to.” Remus said. “We’ll stay at the shack for now. You can just take a few cloths and stay there for a while.”_

_“Thanks mate.” James smiled and Remus nodded._

_“Just when you get a new home, don’t tell us.” Remus whispered._

_The three of them again looked at him in confusion._

_“Dumbledore told me that a lot of people on the other side are Legilimens and we don’t know Occlumency so…”_

_“Why would..?”_

_“Just please, James…” Remus said , almost pleading  and waited for just a beat before he rushed out of their flat._

_“I’ll…go..” Sirius didn’t wait to say goodbye as more questions popped up in his head._

_“Not here.” Remus said as he waited by the motorcycle._

_Sirius silently hit ignition and they rode back to their flat in London from where they apparated back to the shack. The silence gnawed at him. Remus was keeping secrets from him but so was he..Oh Merlin!!!_

_“Rem, what is going on?” He asked as soon as they entered their house._

_Remus cast  protection charms on the doors and windows. “Dumbledore has been teaching me Occlumency for some mission he wants to send me to.”He said finally._

_“What mission?” Sirius asked, he felt like he would collapse under the burden of information._

_“I don’t know.” Remus said as he put on the kettle._

_“Why didn’t you tell me?” Sirius asked. Didn’t they have sex just this morning in this very kitchen? It seemed all so far now._

_“Because he told me not to tell anyone.” Remus sighed._

_Sirius could see Remus’s shoulder blades as he stood back turned towards Sirius, supporting himself on the kitchen top._

_“You have to tell me these things, Re.” Sirius hesitated. “Chances are this mission might be very dangerous and when you resist they will hurt you.”_

_“I know.” Remus’s voice was barely audible above the sob that racked through him._

_“Re?” Sirius padded up behind him and placed his hands on Remus’s hips and leaned into him, trying to absorb the pain that he could feel radiating in waves through Remus. Remus turned and buried his face in the hollow of Sirius’s neck._

_“He can see…everything..us..me my pain…anger..insecurities..us having sex…me being bitten..” Remus said in between sobs and coughing. When..ev.. can’t..stop him..he can see eve’thing…” Remus screamed and Sirius held him tighter. “ Why..why me? I’m so.. sick of this..life..being a werewolf and him thinking he can do this to me.”Remus cried._

_They were both on the ground by the time Remus could breath properly again. Sirius had been carding his fingers through Remus’s hair realizing now that this was what had prompted that morning’s events. He should’ve seen the hints. Remus seldom lost control like this and it was never sudden. It was almost always a building up of tension, anger, sadness that accumulated piece by piece inside Remus and he tried to hid it, to swallow it back- fearing that his problems might be a burden to everyone, to Sirius and finally when he had to vomit up the churning black mass of pain and suffering, this is how it happened._

_When Remus finally let go, Sirius’s shirt was full wet. “I’m sorry.” Remus whispered._

_“No. No, Rem. I am sorry.” Sirius nodded his head vehemently. “ I should’ve guessed.” He’d been so busy with Regulus and so caught up in how he was hiding things from Remus that he’d forgotten to look if Remus had been keeping things from him. “ You have to tell me, Re. You have to talk to me. I cannot bear to see you in so much of pain.”_

_Remus nodded but kept his eyes on the ground, sniffing and rubbing his nose with the back of his hands. His nose and ears had gone red, eyes and gone red and puffy. Sirius pulled him in to kiss him. His lips were salty from the tears that had settled on the chapped skin. Remus always pulled and bit his lips, drawing blood.  Remus sighed into his mouth and took an unsteady breath. "I love you" he whispered making Sirius's heart expand and glow, as always._

_Sirius wanted to ask why Remus had brought up being a werewolf and being used by Dumbledore. Is that what Dumbledore has been doing- training Remus to be sent to Greyback? He would also have to ask Regulus about the man who could’ve possibly been at the Hog’s Head. Regulus might know who the spy in the Order was. But Sirius kept these thoughts aside for now and pulled Remus into the bathroom for a warm bath. As Remus settled in the bathtub he sighed. “ Thank you for everything. For loving me and being here despite of what I am…”_

_Sirius’s heart twisted in pain at how grateful Remus looked, his beautiful angel who deserved everything but didn’t think himself worthy of anything. He would kiss Remus tonight until dawn, till his lips ache and still he would kiss him some more. “You’ll thank me more after seeing what I got you.” He said instead, grinning._

_He bought back two cups of tea and handed one to Remus. He stopped after taking the first sip. “Vodka with tea. Nice.” He smiled. “I guess I needed that.”_

_“We’ll worry about everything else tomorrow. Yeah?” Sirius asked._

_“Okay.” Remus smiled as he took another sip of his tea laced with Vodka._


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm extremely sorry that this chapter is such a long read.   
> Please be patient.  
> And do tell if you like it.   
> <3

Sirius was glad that Halloween had fallen on a weekend. For twelve years, days around Halloween had been difficult for him. He couldn’t get out of bed, his body felt paralyzed neck below and he in general felt numbness like a physical being, taking the form of Remus and smothering him under a pillow. Things had gotten better after he was allowed to see Harry and this year the day had just silently crept up on him. He hadn’t noticed the date until the morning newspaper was delivered to him by an owl.

He stared at it for a while but felt nothing and wondered if he’d finally lost his humanity. Wasn’t he supposed to be sad, depressed, crying his eyes out? Instead he felt nothing, like it was just another day of his miserable life. He tried to keep his mind off things and spent the entire day grading papers.

During dinner he went down to the Great Hall. It was decorated just like he remembered it- hundreds and hundreds of candle filled pumpkins, a cloud of fluttering live bats, and numerous flaming orange streamers, which were swimming lazily across the stormy ceiling.

He could’ve sworn it was 1975.

Professor McGonagall gave him a warm smile and he wished her in return. “You look..good.” She said.

“Thank you.” Sirius smiled, a strange warmth filling his heart. In this place, around people, he felt less alone, less estranged from reality. Maybe he should come down here more often. He found an empty seat and sat down beside Professor Flitwick who started talking to him instantly. He enjoyed the dinner and occasionally looked at Harry, Ron and Hermione sitting together. From a distance he could easily imagine James, Peter and Lily. Though it wasn’t until seventh year that Lily had sat with the four of them during Halloween. Dinner ended with the Hogwarts ghosts entertaining the students with their theatrics -unnerving and scaring quite a few first years’.

As students filtered out of the hall, against the tide of outgoing students, Filch came running, Mrs.Norri behind him. He ran up to Dumbledore and animatedly whispered something in his ears. Dumbledore’s face hardened. “There’s been a breach in the castle. Professors please station yourselves at the main entrances. No one should enter or leave the castle. The Dementors are guarding the outer boundaries. Proceed with caution.”

As the other Professors shuffled and marched on to their duty, McGonagall asked the headmaster. “Is it him Albus?”

“Sadly. Yes.” Dumbledore said and looked at Sirius. He had no idea which entrance he was supposed to guard. “It’s Remus Lupin.”

Sirius froze. Remus was here, in the castle, on Halloween!!

“Mr. Black, I know this might be difficult but I need you to come with me.” Dumbledore said and made his way out of the Hall.

Sirius, still sitting in his chair, saw Snape standing at a distance. “You’re helping him.” He sneered.

“What?” Sirius was still dazed, unable to comprehend the enormity of the situation just yet. He’d maintained his distance with Snape ever since his arrival at Hogwarts. After everything that had happened during the war, they’d both mutually agreed to avoid each other.

“It’s Halloween. It’s been twelve years and you’re still helping him.” Snape said again, walking up to him, his long black robes bellowing behind him.

“You think I will help him get into the castle?” Sirius stood up.

“You were in love with him. Who knows what sort of sickening bond the two of you shared- a werewolf and a Black?” Snape spat, venomous dislike in his voice.

“And you were in love with Lily. Yet you were the one who…”

“Don’t you dare.” Snape gritted his teeth. His pale face turned paler if that was even possible.

“Maybe you shouldn’t either.” Sirius shot back.

“Stop acting like babies.” Dumbledore’s stern voice broke them off. He came back into the hall and stood at the alter

"The teachers and I need to conduct a thorough search of the castle," Professor Dumbledore announced to the students as Professors McGonagall and Flitwick closed all doors into the hall. "I'm afraid that, for your own safety, you will have to spend the night here. I want the prefects to stand guard over the entrances to the hall and I am leaving the Head Boy and Girl in charge. Any disturbance should be reported to me immediately," he added to Percy, the head boy, whom Sirius recognized to be one of his distant relative "Send word with one of the ghosts."

“The Fat Lady confirmed.” Dumbledore turned to them now. “ It was him. He tried to break into the Gryffindor common room. But when he failed to provide the password, he attacked the Fat Lady.” He came closer to them as the Hall filled up again with all the students. “Put aside your differences. The safety of the students of paramount.” He said softly. “Severus, go and search for any signs of the perpetrator in your designated section. Sirius, I need you to search the secret passageways. I know you know them all.”

Numbly Sirius nodded. As he was leaving, he caught a glimpse of Harry amongst a wave of students gliding back into the hall. He looked a little shaken but he was with his friends and Sirius hoped that would be enough, at least for now.

He first went to the statue of the one-eyed witch that led to the Honeydukes’ cellar. It was pretty easy to access the castle through that. On a Halloween night, Honeydukes might’ve been closed. If Remus had broken into the shop, there wasn’t anything stopping him. He would know the pathway like the back of his hand. Thousands of times they’d sneaked out of the castle to get chocolates, though Sirius wondered if he would remember details after years in Azkaban. But there wasn’t any scent of Remus there. Sirius knew Remus’s distinct scent-he’d had vivid dreams of it all his life. He would recognize it anywhere. Remus hadn’t been there. He touched the cold stones. There was no external magic either-only the hum of the castle’s ancient magic that currented through each stone and every wall- using the basic roots of that magic they’d drawn the walls in their map.

He next went on to the statue of Gregory the Smarmy on a fifth-floor corridor of the East Wing. It was a downward gliding small passage which opened behind a gargoyle and lead out to a side of Quidditch field. People seldom came to these remote corners of the Castle. Sirius took his time to breath in the cold air after what felt like the most suffocating ten minutes he’d had in a while. He searched every corner around the gargoyle by the light of his wand but there was no recognizable sign of Remus. A little distance away he could see the towering structures of the stands in the Quidditch field silhouetted against the light of the waxing gibbous moon. The full moon was only couple of days away. Why would Remus attack now? And in the Gryffindor common room.. Was he trying to end what he’d started twelve years ago? Is he still doing it for Voldemort, Greyback?? Who? Regulus had said that he had information that Voldemort was in Albania-could it be that Remus had been there and back since his escape since June? How could he possibly get answers to these questions that plagued him now? Could Regulus help him? Would he?

Sirius sat down on the cold grass-out of breath and dizzy. This was not the time for another panic attack. There were other places he would have to check. If Remus had indeed attempted to break into the castle chances are, he’ll do it again. If he knew the passage he was using, he could tell Dumbledore and guard it.

Since he was out in the field, he decided to take the passage below the Willow and go to the shack. Fuck! Why had that not been the first place he’d checked? But it would be impossible for Remus to go across the field all the way from the Willow to the Castle. There were Dementors everywhere.

But against all logic and reason he caught what he could only imagine was Remus’s smell even before he’d reached the tree. He looked around, wary and wand read in his hand, almost expecting him to be there.

“Homenum Revelio” But there was nothing around him expect the chilly wind that suddenly seemed to be howling in his ears.

Sirius pointed his wand at the Willow to immobilize it when a sudden sound startled him. He looked around to see a cat purring at him. It stood a few feats away but with such confident and alert eyes the animal watched him that Sirius almost wondered if it was a real cat or an animagus. It wasn’t Professor McGonagall- of that he was certain. It had a dark colored fur, he couldn’t really be certain in the dim light but it really looked familiar. It stared at him for a few seconds and then turned around and walked away, its tail pointed high up in the air.   

Sirius shrugged off the uneasy feeling and entered the passage as soon as the tree was immobilized. Once inside he could smell Remus everywhere. It was all around him, encasing him in a trance. Though he’d starved and sworn, over the years that he’d give anything to feel the slightest hint of Remus’s presence, now he felt nothing but suffocation. The fact that the tunnel seemed much smaller now than it ever had before didn’t help. He decided to change into Padfoot but though it helped him make his way to the shack, Remus’s smell only grew stronger and he changed back the moment he was in the shack.  

The sudden on slaughter of memories was too much for him. How many times had James, Peter and he accompanied Remus on the full moon? He'd never counted back then. Running with Moony and the pack was so thrilling and adrenaline pumping that Sirius had never bothered to stop and marvel at the situation. Their transformation process had been so hard, tiring and riddled with failures that once they’d finally achieved it, it seemed like their just reward for hard work. And a part of it surely was; but it was also a gift from magic and his life in the same sense that Mr. and Mrs. Potter were- an escape from a hard and painful life. But he, unlike Remus, had never thought it would end so soon and abruptly. His life stopped completely on that fateful day of ’81. Nothing could ever kick start it and no matter how dearly he loved Harry, forgetting Remus was something he hadn’t been able to do in the last decade. He brushed away the tears and quickly muttered a few charms to check for any signs of life but there was none. Remus’s smell lingered in the air but there was no sign of recent damage on the wooden walls and broken furniture which meant he hadn’t transformed here. But Sirius was forced to wonder why Remus would come to the shack if not to transform? There were easier ways to enter the castle. And Snape’s words jumped around in his head. How could Remus enter into the castle without someone’s help? Was someone helping him? What if this was their rendezvous point? He found nothing tangible but cat’s hair in the shack and the only reason he recognized that was because he felt that the cat’s hair belonged to the one he’d just seen outside. Could the cat indeed be an animagus? He decided he would check the Animagus Registry before telling Dumbledore anything about a cat helping a supposed lunatic entering a highly secure castle. Even in his paranoid mind, it seemed highly improbable.

As he went back to the castle to check the other passages, Snape stopped him near the kitchens.

“So late?” He looked at Sirius suspiciously.

Sirius meant to walk away from him but Snape stopped him again. “I already checked the other passages. The werewolf wasn’t there.”          

Even after all this time, Sirius’s blood boiled at how Snape addressed Remus. This was the reason why he’d done what he’d done in fifth year. “Don’t call him that.”

“So much love.” Snape sneered. “You’re helping him and one way or the other I’ll prove it and then both of you can rot in Azkaban together.”

That was all Sirius could take after the day he’d just had. “You know what?” Sirius whispered through his gritted teeth and took a step closer to Snape. “ I wish I’d killed you back in fifth year. Remus or I might’ve ended up in Azkaban but James and Lily might’ve been alive and Harry wouldn’t have been an orphan. The world would’ve been a better place.”

Snape looked livid and that satisfied Sirius extremely. As Snape drew his wand out, presumably, to attack Sirius in the open, Professor McGonagall shouted from behind Sirius. “This is unacceptable.”

As Snape pocketed his wand, Sirius stepped away from him and turned towards the professor.

“You are not students anymore. There are greater things at risk here. Harry’s life is on the line here, Mr. Black. I don’t need to remind you that. We are on the same side. Act like adults.” She pursed her lips like she does with her students.

“I’ve told the Headmaster, he’s helping him.” Snape pointed towards Sirius. “How else could Lupin get inside.”

Sirius meant to argue but the professor came to his defense. “Nonsense. Sirius would never harm Harry.”

And even though Snape meant to argue more, McGonagall stopped him. “Sirius, the Headmaster wants to meet you in his office. Severus, I need to talk to you about Malfoy’s detention. Now.”

Without further words Sirius went to meet Dumbledore.

“So Mr. Lupin did not contact you?” Dumbledore asked. He was seated in his chair, tired but alert at the same time.

“No.” Sirius replied. He was tired of convincing people that he wasn’t helping Remus. “I think he came through the Shrieking Shack or was there recently.”

“Do you know any way he could’ve eluded the Dementors to enter the castle?” Dumbledore looked at him over half moon spectacles, his blue eyes probing and Sirius had a distinct feeling that Dumbledore was asking if Remus was an animagus.

“No, Sir. I don’t.” Sirius looked away and shifted on his feet wondering if he should tell about the cat but he decided not to. Dumbledore obviously picked up on it and asked him, “Is there something you wish to share with me?”

“No, Sir.” Sirius replied, making an effort to sound convincing this time.

“Okay.” Dumbledore nodded. “Stay alert.”   

That night Sirius visited Madam Pomfrey and asked for a sleeping draught that she handed over without question. She looked so utterly despaired that Sirius was forced to ask her if she was okay.

“Yes.” She managed a smile. “Just..I can’t imagine the boy I knew doing..this.” She looked at him in pity. She knew most how close Remus and he had been-all those post full moon mornings spent in the infirmary. Sirius felt uncomfortable conversing with people who knew about him and Remus. It seemed wrong somehow. He managed to nod his head in reply and mumbled a polite word of thanks before leaving.

He spent most of the early morning hours over the next few days in the Library. He went over all the book on Lycanthropy again but he wasn’t any wiser in realizing how Remus could’ve hid from the Dementors. The Animagus Registry was a dead end as well. There had been only seven in the last century, excluding them, and none other than Professor McGonagall was a cat. He also sent Regulus a letter, apologizing about his earlier behavior and asking if they could meet.

The days passed in a flurry of activities. He had a number of classes and they kept getting more challenging as the year progressed. He enjoyed teaching and a few students, like the Weasley twins, Patil sisters, Cedric, Luna and Hermione kept him on his toes. Even though Draco and a few Slytherins got on his nerves, it usually paled in comparison to the good times he was having.

Professor McGonagall asked him a couple of days after the break in. “Do you think it is wise to let Potter practice Quidditch?”

Sirius was quite disoriented for a while. “Why not?..I mean he loves the sports..”

“He’ll be out in the evening, with only his classmates…” the Professor struggled to explain. Perhaps even she understood the absurdity of the situation thought it seemed to be the safest option.

“We are not letting him go to Hogsmeade. And now if we stop him from Quidditch-he’s basically being kept under house arrest. I’ve seen how someone or the other is always around him in the corridors. Believe me Professor, I want to keep him in my room but if there’s anything I’ve learnt in the past couple years-Harry is just as stubborn as James and Lily were. He’ll revolt, get angry. I don’t know if it’s a good idea to ask him to not play Quidditch.”

“I understand.” The professor sighed. “ Can I ask him, though?”

“Sure.”

“If he disagrees, then I will request Madam Hooch to oversee the practice.” She sighed.

“Thank you Professor.” Sirius actually felt grateful that McGonagall had asked him before deciding something about Harry. No one considered him an actual guardian even thought he’s the only one that acts like it.

The days leading up to the match deteriorated steadily-The sky was overcast with dark clouds constantly rumbling. It rained at all times of the day and some days grew so dark that extra lamps and lanterns had to be lit during the day. The weather gave way to a rising apprehension in Sirius's chest and he frequently found himself lost in thought of where Remus must’ve sought shelter in such tormenting cold and rain.

He also wanted to know how Harry had been doing. After all, he had been the target that night. Since the break in, he’d been worried about how it’d affected Harry but between hectic classes and Harry’s Quidditch practice, they could barely get time to catch up. A few times they ran into each other on the corridor. Sirius gave him a quick hug and asked if everything was alright and Harry always smiled and said yes. Knowing nods and smiles were sometimes exchanged at the Great Hall as Sirius had started frequenting them now during dinner. Though Sirius took their DADA classes, they were strictly professional there.

The night of the full moon turned out to be especially rough. Sirius struggled to sleep through the night as thunder cracked open the sky every half minute, the howling wind knocked at the window and it seemed that the heavens itself had cracked open. After a tiring day, Sirius found himself in bed, twisting and turning- his joints ached in a way it hadn’t for the past few months. His muscles were being tugged on, torn apart by unseen forces, his skin burnt and he was parched but he could barely move let alone get himself a glass of water. As he lay on the bed with an addled brain and searing pain in his veins, he had visions of Remus- a malnourished skeletal body with only skin hanging off his bones, trapped in a dungeon. Darkness surrounded him as hundreds of Dementors circled above, feeding off him. He screamed in pain even as he was curled into a ball on the cold, hard floor. And then just as suddenly the dementors moved away clearing the sky and a shaft of silvery light hit him. The skeleton broke- all 206 bones-and Sirius could feel each of them cracking under the paper thin skin. He could see the hazy canopy above his bed. He tried telling himself that it was just a dream but the pain he felt was very real. He groaned and withered, biting down on his lips lest he wake his mother up in the middle of the night-she will not be pleased with him.

Sirius woke up, a wail tearing through him. But even as he was painfully aware of his surroundings, he couldn’t move-nothing worked and for few excruciating minutes he lay there in shear agony and in silence. Even his vocal cords seemed to be paralyzed. As he slowly regained the strength in his muscles he sat up and conjured a glass of water. Every strike of lightning alerted him up a little to his surroundings. He checked his watch. It was three-ten in the night and Sirius wondered if he could fall asleep again. All thoughts, even the once he’d buried long ago, seemed to have sneaked up on him. He’d always worried about Remus in some capacity or another but he hadn’t thought of Walburga in a really long time.

He uncoiled the sweaty bed sheet from his body, lit up a cigarette and went to stand by the window. It was pitch dark outside, the blue thunder the only source of periodic illumination. The candle flickering on his table cast an image of the room onto the glass and Sirius stared at himself-cigarette handing off his lips, his bare torso and the tattoo on his chest that flaunted a full moon; as if he needed a reminder to the event. He looked at his shadowy image and tried to imagine he was nineteen-Remus would silently walk up behind him and cuddle him with arms around his stomach and chest.

But these were wishful thinking, memories of a different lifetime and as the rising smoke from the cigarette made Sirius’s eyes burn, he butted it out and blew out his candle, hoping that the complete darkness would relieve his burning eyes.    

***

The day of the Quidditch match, Sirius woke up very excited about seeing his godson play in an actual match. But he grew worried as he realized that the weather was worse than ever that day. Gryffindor were playing against Hufflepuff and from what Sirius had picked up, Hufflepuff’s seeker, Cedric, was quite a good player but more than anything he hoped every student would be safe at the end of the match. The weather would not favor either team today.

Everyone and everything was drenched in rain. Sirius pulled his coat close to himself but nothing worked against the cold. He saw Hermione and Row sitting on the bench below him hurdled together under an umbrella that provided no respite.    

Suddenly he saw Harry rising fast, but his Nimbus was swerving slightly with the wind. Neither Madam Hooch nor the commentator was audible.

Harry blindly flew backward and forward across the field and though Sirius tried to keep his eyes only on Harry, he couldn’t see past the clouds drifting in and out of the air space. He shouted his lungs out once he realized Harry might be unseated by a Bludger but it was futile. Harry only narrowly missed it and Sirius had a mini heart attack. Jesus Prongs! I am not cut out to take this kind of tension.

Twice Harry nearly hit another player. Eventually Sirius settle to cover his eyes with his palms. This was too much. He was gonna have a panic attack anytime time. Things never seemed so dangerous when they used to play. This was a disastrously dangerous game and this weather was the last situation anyone should be playing in. He laughed at himself. Was this him being a parent?

He did notice a crucial thing though. Harry was having more trouble because of his glasses. Ha tapped Hermione on her shoulders.

“Professor Black?”

“Can you get to Harry during the break?” Sirius shouted. Hermione nodded. “Good! Impervius Charm, do you know it?”

“I do.” Hermione nodded and Sirius saw the idea click in her head. “Why didn’t I think of it before!” She said exasperated.

Sirius smiled and went back to the game.

The players landed as Madam Hooch blew the whistle. Wood had called a time-out. Hermione hurried down to the ground. Word went around that Gryffindor were fifty points up.

“It’s done.” Hermione said as she climbed back into the stand.

“Thank you.” Sirius mouthed and she smiled as the players went back into the game.

Hermione's spell seemed to have done the trick. Harry seemed better aware of his surroundings now. Thunder clapped as dark clouds flew in fast. This was getting more and more dangerous. Harry needed to get the Snitch quickly.

Sirius hated staying out in thunders and even as he was trying to clear out the white noise he saw Harry get distracted by something. He suddenly dropped a few feet and Sirius was up on his feet. Something was wrong. He could sense it.

"Harry!" Wood yelled from the Gryffindor goal posts. "Harry, behind you!"

Harry looked wildly around. Cedric Diggory was pelting up the field, and a tiny speck of gold was shimmering in the rain-filled air between them

Harry threw himself flat to the broom handle and zoomed toward the Snitch.

Sirius felt them before he saw them. An eerie silence fell across the stadium and for a moment everything seemed to be in a state of suspended animation. Everything seemed to slow down and then a sudden wave of cold swept over him.

_"No..please..please wake up." James's eyes were wide open, frozen, spectacles crocked on his nose._

_"James, I'm so sorry. Please..please..." He sobbed, blind behind a curtain of hot tears. " Please..."_

Sirius looked around. At least a hundred dementors, their hidden faces pointing up at Harry, were standing beneath him. They were all moving towards Harry and he seemed to be frozen in space. But it only a moment before he lost control of his broom and even as Sirius shouted for Harry, he could only watch as Harry fell off off it. Sirius pointed his wand at him and shouted, “Arresto Momentum”.

He didn’t know if he’d managed to slow Harry down but dimly he heard Dumbledore chant the same incantation and Harry slowed down the last few feet before he hit the ground.

Sirius could barely move. Around him students were either felling from the Dementors or towards the ground. Soon the entire student body had Harry surrounded. As Dumbledore cast a powerful Patronas Charm, the Dementors fled the ground. Sirius ran down to the field and push people aside blindly.

No! No! This cannot be happening. “Harry!!” Sirius was on the ground beside him. Fuck he looked so pale. “Harry! Wake up. Come on, Wake up.”

“Let them take him to the infirmary.” He heard someone say. “Madam Pomfrey can help him surely.” He was pulled away by someone as Dumbledore conjured a stretcher and took Harry to the into the castle.

Sirius ran after them all the way to the hospital wing. “ Please tell me he’s okay?” He rushed inside and Dumbledore stopped him midway.

“Sirius, Harry is fine. Just cold and tired. Let Madam Pomfrey do her work.”

“Please tell me he’s alive.” Sirius begged Madam Pomfrey.

“Oh dear! Of course he’s alive. He’ll be up and awake in no time.” She replied even as she fussed over Harry. Sirius had never been more terrified in his entire life. He couldn’t imagine what could’ve happened..

“It’s okay, Albus. Let him stay.” Sirius felt like he would burst with tears when Madam Pomfrey said this. He had never been more grateful.

As Dumbledore left, he sat down on the opposite bed and let the Healer do her work. For now he was just glad that Harry was alive and breathing.

Eventually Ron came up to him and sat beside him. “You’ve been here for a while, you know.”

“It’s okay. I can….” Sirius looked at him.

“Maybe you should get a change of clothes and a cup of tea or..coffee..” Ron said. “We are here. We’ll tell you once he’s awake.”

Sirius didn’t want to leave but Percy Weasley came straight up to him. “The Headmaster asked me to tell you to meet him. There’s something urgent he wants to discuss.”

Sirius wanted to punch something right then. Couldn’t he get a bloody fucking minute by his godson in peace even in such a situation.

“It’s all right.” Said Ron. “We’re here.”

Sirius turned to see most of his friends hurdled together at the door waiting for Harry. As Sirius left they went in and crowded around Harry’s bed. Sirius sighed. At least Harry was not alone.

He didn’t bother getting a change of clothes. He went straight to Dumbledore. “What happened? Why were there so many of them together? They were no where to be seen when he came into the castle and today they just gathered up?”

“Mr. Lupin was there.” Dumbledore’s words stopped him on his track.

“How do you know?” Sirius asked calmly.

“Why else would they come? Last time he got away, now they were more vigilant. He must have been in the vicinity.” Dumbledore said matter-of-factly.

“Or maybe they were just drawn to the cheer and happiness in the crowd!”

“Possible.” Dumbledore sighed. “I have given them strict instructions to stay only at the gates. It shouldn’t be a problem anymore.”

Sirius wanted to shout and break every bloody object in sight. He took a few deep breaths in and out and stomped out of the Headmaster’s office.

When he went back to the infirmary, Harry was awake and Ron and Hermione were sitting on either side of his bed. The left with polite greeting once he came up to them.

“Harry.” Sirius sat down by the bed as Harry attempted to sit up.

“Sirius, I’m fine. Really.” Sirius pulled him in for a hug. He was still so cold to the touch.

“I was really worried kiddo.” Sirius whispered, tearing up. He would die if something were to happen to Harry.     

“I’m okay.” Harry assured him. “My broom stick though..” Harry showed him a dozen bits of splintered wood and twig lying by the bed.

“I’m really sorry.” Sirius knew that though they could get another broom stick, the loss of such things always struck close to heart.

Madam Pomfrey insisted on keeping Harry in the hospital wing for the rest of the weekend. He didn't argue or complain, but he wouldn't let her throw away the shattered remnants of his Nimbus Two Thousand.

When Sirius was absent, Harry had a stream of visitors, all intent on cheering him up. Hagrid sent him a bunch of Earwiggy flowers that looked like yellow cabbages, and Ginny Weasley, turned up with a get-well card she had made herself, which sang shrilly unless Harry kept it shut under his bowl of fruit. The Gryffindor team visited again on Sunday morning, this time accompanied by Wood, who told Harry that he didn't blame him. But the look Wood wore around on his face all day told Sirius a different story. Ron and Hermione left Harry's bedside only at night and Sirius, against Madam Pomfrey’s promise that he was alright, decided to stay and see for himself.

“Hey Sirius?” Harry whispered one night. Sirius had probably dozed off without realizing that Harry was still awake.

“Hey. What are you doing up?” He rubbed his eyes and checked his watch. It was one in the morning.

“I have to tell you something.” His voice shook and Sirius sat up more awake.“Yeah?”

“You know before I fell,” Sirius nodded as Harry took time to arrange his thoughts in his head. “I saw the Grim again-the one Professor Trelawney saw in my cup. Is it going to haunt me now…till, you know, I’m dead..”

“No Harry!” Sirius took Harry’s hands in his.

“And then there are the dementors.” Harry sighed. “Everyone said the dementors were horrible, but no one else collapsed every time they went near one. No one else heard echoes in their head of their dying parents.”

Sirius gasped as the words left Harry’s mouth and Harry, realizing what he’d said looked away.

“I’m sorry.” He mumbled.

No. Sirius nodded his head. “There’s..nothing to be sorry for.” He had to swallow the knot in his throat. Harry needed him now. “I..I see them too.” Sirius whispered and Harry looked at him in confusion. “When I…after the attack, I was there.” Sirius looked down at his hands holding Harry’s. “I saw James first..and the Lily….I can’t imagine how painful it must be for you to hear them and only have that part…” Sirius bit down on his lips, his eyes burning as hot tears dropped down.

Fuck.

“Sirius, I’m sorry.” Harry whispered.

Sirius looked up at his godson. In the dim light of the infirmary and under the permanently unruly hair and round eyeglasses he looked just like James. His eyes were glassy as he looked into Sirius’s eyes trying to take away or even comprehend the pain they were feeling. It was the best of James and Lily and Sirius couldn’t have been prouder.

“You have so much to tell me, isn’t it?” Harry asked. “ You know all about them and more. Why don’t you tell me?”

“Harry, I want to.” Sirius said. “Believe me, I do. But I have not seen you in so long that I don’t always know, and I’ll never accept this to anyone, but I don’t know if what I know will be the best knowledge for you. I’m completely against keeping any secrets. But I..um…the last war took a toll and I don’t want you to be burdened with that darkness.”

“But you have me now Sirius and I already have the darkness, like it or not.” Harry said. “Please tell me things from now on, okay?”

Sirius nodded. “You’re so grown up.”

Harry’s face broke into a smile. “Will you teach me how to ward off the Dementors?”

“Harry..”

“You made the one in the train go away.” Harry said stubbornly. “I need to defend myself in case they come back.”

“There was one in the train. There were hundreds yesterday.”

“Still, Sirius. Please.” Harry insisted. “I hate feeling helpless in such situations.”

Sirius bit down on his lips in deliberation. “It’s very advanced magic.”

“You became an animagus at fifteen. I’m pretty sure I can handle it if you teach me.” Harry knew he’d won using the animagus card. How could Sirius argue against that? “All right. I’ll teach you. But it stays between you and me, ‘kay?”

“Deal.” Harry laughed.

***

_…Wake up Sirius..come on wake up..” Sirius was woken up by Remus shaking him vehemently. The candles in their bedroom were lighted on and he could see Remus’s maddening demeanor hunching over him._

_“What..?”_

_“They were attacked.” Remus said looking helplessly at him._

_It took Sirius a while to register what Remus was saying. “James…”_

_Remus nodded._

_Sirius was up in an instant. “ What..How do you..?”_

_“They sent an owl. They’re…” But Sirius hastily picked it from Remus’s hand. Relief flooded through him once he realized that they were fine, unhurt at the very least._

_Sirius sighed. “What do we do?”_

_They just stared at each other for a while completely at a loss of words. Things had never hit this close to home._

_“ Should we go to the head quarters?” Sirius asked._

_“They might not be there.” Remus whispered._

_“Where the hell would they possibly go?” Sirius asked._

_“ I don’t know. Alice, Marlen, Benjy…” Remus hung his head in his hands._

_“We should’ve brought them here…” Sirius pulled his hair back._

_“We should now. We’ll include them in this Fideles Charm tomorrow.” Remus said. “This could’ve been worse.”_

_“ We can go and check in the headquarters once.” Sirius worried his bottom lip. “ I can not not know..”_

_“Yeah! Yeah, let’s go.” Remus sighed._

_“What is it?” Sirius asked. Something was bothering Remus, Sirius could tell. Underneath the worry and scare, something else was going on in his head._

_“How did they know…?” Remus’s voice was broke. “ Only seven of us were there. Only we knew and I don’t..” He broke off, uncomfortable at bring up something to which he had no answer to._

_Sirius looked at him, horrified. It hadn’t occurred to him before and the implications of what Remus had said was too far out of his reach right now. “Let’s just make sure they’re okay.”_

_They apparated directly to a dead end, dark alley a couple blocks away from the headquarters. Remus kept close to Sirius, their hands and elbows brushing and his breath trembled ever so often, that Sirius just ended up entwining his fingers with Remus’s._

_James and Lily were there along with Dumbledore and Peter. Sirius’s relief on seeing James now outmatched that of when James had opened his gates to Sirius back in fifth year. He didn’t want to imagine how close they’d come to not being able to hug each other. Out of the corner of his eyes he saw Remus hug Lily and hold her there._

_“ What happened? ” Sirius asked when he finally gathered the courage to talk._

_“Voldemort came..” James started and hesitated, “ We’ll initially it was one of his Death Eaters wearing a mask and he told us that Voldemort himself wanted to talk to us and he just materialized and…” He looked at Lily for help._

_“..He asked us to join him.” Lily finished bluntly. She looked paler and sicker than she should’ve. She was in her grey pajama and tank top with her hand around her belly. “ You were right Remus. This is going to happen again.”_

_“Lily, I’m so..” Remus started._

_“Don’t be, mate.” James said. “ We were prepared because you told us this might happen. They blew the roof right off our heads, literally. But your place…”_

_“Don’t worry about it.” Sirius and Remus replied simultaneously._

_“Aurors are taking care of the people in the flat as we speak.” Dumbledore said. “They’ll tell the local authorities it was an explosion due to a gas leak.”_

_“..It was pure luck that Peter was on patrol when the attack happened. He called for backup.” James looked at him and smiled. Till then Peter had been standing at a corner quietly, forgotten out of their conversation. He smiled at James in return. “ We owe you our lives buddy.”_

_Sirius couldn’t help but wonder how Peter, who never could managed to get things quite right due to his extreme clumsiness managed to detect a threat and call Aurors all in time to save James and Lily. Maybe they don’t give him enough credit for his abilities._

_“How did they know where we were?” Lily asked finally. “ Only the four of us, Alice and Frank and you knew professor.”_

_Dumbledore kept silent, looking at each of them with severe blue eyes and caution. “ Yesterday when I sent Peter to check with you, he must have been followed.”_

_“I was not.” Peter squeaked immediately to defend himself but Dumbledore didn’t head his words.“You did not leave otherwise?” The professor asked._

_“No. We didn’t.” James sighed. “ Peter no one is..”_

_“Mr. Pettigrew, I’m not blaming you.” Dumbledore said looking at him, the severity in his eyes gone. “You’ve done a good job tonight. We are at war- mistakes are inevitable but sometimes they might be very costly. We should all remember that. I’m telling you again James, Lily-go into hiding.”_

_“Stay in the country in our shack.” Remus said. “It is under the Charm and it is designed so that only Sirius and I know the location even after we’re outside the house…”_

_“No Remus.” Lily said looking at Remus beside him. “It’s too dangerous for you.”_

_“I am not in more danger than you are.” Sirius could hear the plea in Remus’s voice. “Please Lily, we can keep you save there.” Though Sirius had had a very rough start with Lily, they’d become friends quickly once he’d left home and started staying with James. In fact, to James’s tremendous annoyance, Sirius and Lily had become friends even before James and her had stated dating. But Remus and Lily had been best friends since first year. She’d recognized and guarded Remus’s secret without him even realizing until she’d showed up to meet him after a particularly bad full moon. They were fiercely protective of each other._

_“Remus if something happens to you because of us---That is your safe place. For you and Sirius to fight and heal…” Lily smiled at him. “ We can’t..”_

_“I have to agree with Ms. Evans on this..” Dumbledore said. “ It will be dangerous for you Remus..”_

_“Mrs. Potter.” Lily said and Sirius would’ve found it funny had he not been so occupied seeing how Remus’s face had hardened and paled at Dumbledore’s words._

_“You can’t expect us to just stand aside and do nothing.” Remus said, in a voice louder than Sirius had ever head him speak to an elder let alone Dumbledore. James and Lily looked at Remus-surprised as well._

_“No one here is sitting useless, Mr. Lupin.” Dumbledore said gravely. “ Everyone has their part to play and they can not do that if they are dead.” Remus looked like he would’ve argued but the headmaster gave him no space. “You will not reveal the whereabouts of your shack to anyone. I repeat, no one should know. Mr. and Mrs. Potter will either use the Fideles charm or will change their identities to what will be provided by me. It will be under strict confidentiality and will go through the minimum number of people to reduce further risk.”_

_Sirius was at a loss of words. He’d only been silently listening and for a moment he’d considered asking them to stay at Grimmauld place. After what Regulus had told him, he wondered if it would be possible to convince his mother to let them stay. Or maybe he could just confine her to a part of the house and let them stay in the other half. It was a insane idea, one that made him want to tear his hair out but wouldn’t it be worth the nightmares? He couldn’t just present this idea. He would have to ask Regulus if it was a viable option at all not to mention the wrath that would come down on his brother if Voldemort got to know who he was sheltering. Sirius reverently hoped that Regulus would show up in the next scheduled meeting—he hadn’t for two weeks and the worst possible scenarios were starting to get to him._

_“..and we’ll stay here till we get the new identities.” James said breaking Sirius’s thoughts._

_“We can stay with you.” Sirius said._

_“Both of you have patrols from tomorrow evening.” Dumbledore said. “ You should get some rest. Kingsley will be here soon along with Alastor.”_

_“We’ll stay till they arrive then.” Sirius really wanted to be with his friends as long as he could._

_Dumbledore agreed and left._

_Remus was still sitting rigid as stone, pale. “ Are you okay?” Lily asked him._

_Remus nodded but Sirius knew he was far from fine. He looked like he would pass out any minute._

_“How’s the little one?” Remus asked finally facing her._

_“He’s good.” Lily said rubbing her belly. “Oblivious to everything.”_

_“She keeps saying ‘he’.” James said looking at her. Lily and Remus were out of their earshot and Remus had finally smiled when Lilt had placed his hand on her belly to feel the baby kicking._

_“And you?” Sirius asked. He couldn’t believe James was going to be a father. He just wished it would be under better circumstances._

_“I’m thrilled and scared shitless about being a father. Anything, as long as it’s healthy, will make me happy out of this world.” James said._

_“She looks thinner.” Sirius noticed how her tank top was hanging around her bones. Taking care of Remus had made him sensitive to these things._

_“Yeah, morning sickness hasn’t really been kind to her. She keeps vomiting most of the food she eats. We went to the healer and she’s given some medicines but they don’t always work. And these attacks and she worries about everyone constantly, especially Remus with Greyback…” James looked at Sirius. “ How are you holding up?”_

_Sirius smiled tightly in response. Was there a right answer to this? “Remus is always on edge, tired and the full moons take a lot from him…”_

_“Sirius, I am so sorry that I haven’t been there the past few months with Lily pregnant and everything…” James looked down at his hands in guilt._

_“No, James. Keep your wife and child safe. It always takes priority.” Sirius said. Initially with James and Peter being absent, the two of them had felt like an incomplete puzzle-pieces of themselves missing, leaving gaping holes in a story that should’ve been complete. But they both understood the situation._

_“Doesn’t Peter ask to be there anymore?” James asked. Peter had disappeared from the room as well without anyone noticing._

_Sirius shrugged. He’d stopped as soon as James had stopped. Initially James and Peter used to gather in a place and apparate to the shack with Sirius’s aid. Since Sirius and Remus only knew of its location, either of them had to be present for the apparation to work. Remus’s father had designed it such that, on the off chance that someone had to be brought home, they would forget the address once they leave. It was a perfect safe house. But the magic was ancient and Remus’s father had asked and extremely powerful witch to cast it. Remus had tried and failed to even get the spell right._

_“But how are you?” James asked looking directly into Sirius’s eyes._

_Sirius didn’t know what to say again. He felt like changing to Padfoot and curling up in Lily’s lap close to the kid he knows he’ll love like his own son. “Like shit.” He replied._

_“Hey, Sirius come feel him. He’s kicking.” Lily said from across the room._

_Sirius walked over and squatted in front of her chair. Lily took his hand and placed it on her lower belly and Sirius’s heart skipped a beat as he felt a slight nudge from the inside and he gasped. The rest of them started giggling at his reaction._

_“Pretty cool, isn’t it?” James asked standing behind Lily with his hands on her shoulder._

_For a moment they forgot about the threat looming over them and Sirius felt unbelievably happy for a while._

_Kingsley arrived before Moody. “ Are you all right?” He asked James and Lily. “How long have you been here?”_

_“Since one.” James replied._

_“Alright. I’m here now.” He said. “You lot can take some rest.”_

_“We can stay.” Remus said._

_“Dumbledore said, you would say that. But listen you should get rest. You go back to work today.” Kingsley said. “ Stay till Moody comes but then he’ll chase you out.”_

_“We’ll take our chances.” Sirius huffed._

_“Okay, then. I’ll freshen up quickly and be back.” Kingsley said and left._

_“Hey, you okay?” James asked hunching over Lily who looked quite pale and was now sitting with her head in her hands._

_Lily didn’t reply but she’d started sweating profusely and was breathing erratically._

_“Just move aside.” He whispered. “She needs air.”_

_Sirius seldom knew how to act when someone was sick except for when it came to Remus. So he stood aside and let James take care of her as Remus rubbed her back._

_“I’m gonna be sick.” Her voice was barely audible but James and Remus quickly helped her up to the toilet. She hunched over the toilet, head hanging between her shoulders and her body contracted violently as she retched painfully._

_It was painful to watch and Sirius strolled across the hall to give Lily and James space. Remus followed him._

_“Okay?” Remus asked. Sirius nodded in reply. “You?”_

_Remus sighed and dragged his palm down his face. “It could’ve been much worse. Do you realize that?” He sounded impatient, irritated._

_“Of course I do.” Sirius shot back. How could he not? He was trying to not think about it because with everything going, he felt like he was going insane. He didn’t want to think about the flat- it would be in ruins, all of it. He was thankful to God or whatever a thousand times because James and Lily were safe and nothing was more important. But the flat-it was his and Remus’s-built from scratches. Every cupboard, book, table and music record might be gone. Their bed, where they’d made love in the darkness of the night and during bright daylight, where they’d both nursed each other through everything-why would he want to comprehend the loss of it all?_

_Remus has strolled over to Lily who was still hunched over the toilet but wasn’t vomiting anymore. He and James helped her up and took her inside the room. Sirius followed. James handed her a glass of water and Remus rubbed her back as she smiled weakly. “This is embarrassing!”_

_Remus nodded his head in disapproval but didn’t say anything while James gave her a sympathetic smile. Sirius’s heart ached as he thought of how this almost didn’t happen. Lily was only twenty, her mother had passed two years prior, the grief of which had sent her father spiraling. Her sister didn’t even liker her or any of them. Mr. and Mrs. Potter had died of small pox around the same time James and Lily had got married. Weren’t mothers’ and sisters’ essential to get through this? How could Lily and James alone figure out how to raise a kid all by themselves? Both of them deserved better that this._

_As Kingsley arrived eventually with Moody , Remus and Sirius were forced out of the head quarter, urging them to get some rest._

_“I’d hoped you would back me up.” Remus said as they walked back to the same alley they’d apparated in. Sirius felt like he’d been a haze for the past few hours. Now as the cold morning air touched his skin he began to feel the burden of the events of the night-physically and mentally. “What?” Sirius asked, unable to understand what Remus was referring to._

_“I asked Dumbledore to let Lily and James stay with us and he refused and you didn’t back me up.” Remus accused._

_“Nothing makes a fucking difference when it comes to Dumbledore. He’ll make people do what he wants them to.” Sirius whispered. “Not to mention that Greyback is really after you. It isn’t exactly a safe place for them completely.”_

_“Fuck you.” Remus said._

_“Excuse me?” Sirius was getting irritated at how Remus was behaving. His anger practically had no context._

_“You don’t get it do you?” Remus asked as he yanked Sirius in the dark alley. Little streaks of orange were visible in the sky but the sun was yet to rise. Sirius’s hand hurt where Remus had gripped him but he didn’t say anything. “He’ll send me back to Greyback. It’s why he’s been teaching me Legilimency . He wants me to figure out something. And I will have to leave you alone in the shack. James and Lily being there with you might make you stronger as a team. I would die before letting Greyback get to our house._

_Sirius head reeled at Remus’s words and he leaned against the wall though Remus was still holding him by the arm. “ He’ll send you back? And ask you to poke into Greyback’s head?” Sirius asked incredulously. It was a suicide mission. “ If he finds out..” He’ll kill Remus… “No!” Sirius shouted and Remus tightly pressed his palm over Sirius’s mouth and pinned him against the wall._

_“Control yourself.” He whispered into Sirius’s ears. “We’re going back to the flat.”_

_Sirius’s stomach gave a painful lurch as they apparated in another dingy alleyway right behind the Chinese restaurant they were so fond of. He couldn’t breath as Remus’s was still holding his palm over his mouth. He fought against Remus but to no avail. Only when Remus was sure that they weren’t being followed, did he let go of Sirius._

_Sirius doubled over, coughing, his lungs burning and his eyes teared. What was going on? What was Remus doing?_

_“I’m sorry. I had to make sure we weren’t being followed.” Remus knelt down beside him. “I’m sorry.” Remus’s voice was constricted and he sounded genuine. “ You would’ve drawn attention. I’m sorry.”_

_“Who the hell is going to follow us from Headquarters?” Sirius wheezed._

_“Listen to me. It’s been four hours since the attack. The ministry officials will be gone.” Remus said. “Let’s go inside the flat and secure it salvage what we can and take that back to the shack. We can talk once we’re safely in the shack. Okay?”_

_Sirius wanted to argue. He needed to know now if Remus was going to get killed one of these days by his maker. This wasn’t something that he could stop thinking about. But after the restraint that Remus had just shown Sirius didn’t think he had a choice but to comply. He nodded._

_Remus got up on his legs and hesitantly reached out to pick Sirius up. “I really am sorry.”_

_They padded into the empty building. Most of the occupants had been shifted temporarily by the police due to the news of the gas leak. The door was gone-completely blown off, their dining table was broken in two, both pieces tumbled aside. The kitchen was also mostly gone-their china coffee mugs and plates all blown into pieces. Their vinyl player was broken as well along with a few of the LPs they had. Remus had meticulously arranged all their LPs in a rack on the wall, half of which was gone. The Beatles, The Rolling Stones, Led Zeppelin, John Lennon, Sex Pistols, Queens, ABBA, Elton John- all the classics of their era that they danced and drank to. They’d been to concerts as albums were being released, gotten the LPs signed. Everything seemed so far away now. Sirius couldn’t deny that even with everything going on, his heart broke at the state of their apartment. Remus and he had so carefully filled the void of empty spaces amongst the walls with old, second hand books and posters on the crumbling walls, rugs and second hand patio chairs in which Remus has read innumerable books over the past couple years, the couch that Mr. and Mrs. Potter had given them from storage- everything was scattered around to reveal gaping holes they’d never seen before. Sirius’s bike had gotten a few scratches here and there but over all it remained unharmed. Remus started  gathering up the books and LPs that seemed salvageable. Sirius went about gathering their clothes and toiletries. Their bed was covered in dust and splinters of wood from the broken walls but though it was usable, there was no space in the shack for another bed. They would have to leave it._

_As they packed up their stuff, Sirius felt his chest getting tight. There were too many memories in every corner. Every splinter of wood had Remus and his magic weaved into them. He looked around in the bedroom. They’d had sex here their very first night in the apartment. It had been a summer night and they finally had a place of their own; no more hiding in broom closet and unused classrooms. They didn’t have the bed yet. Nestled in white sheets they’d kissed and moaned each other’s name, ran their fingers and lips all over each other, sweaty, messy bodies pressed closer than they’d ever thought possible-new found freedom sweet on their lips._

_“I’m all done here.” He heard Remus say from outside but Sirius knew he would never be done with this place. It meant too much. But now there were far important things they had to take care of. If they survive, Sirius hoped they do- he promised himself he’d come back to this flat and buy it back from who ever would own it then. Though he guessed it would barely resemble what he now knew of this place but the roots of it would remain the same. And after all, wasn’t that the only thing that mattered?_

_***_

_“I think Dumbledore wants me to go back to Greyback and gather whatever information I can.” Remus finally said after they’d brought back all that they could salvage. Sirius had the urge to open a bottle fire whiskey but it was too early in the morning so he settled for lighting up a cigarette instead. “Yes. You said as much.” Sirius said. “Tea?”_

_Remus sighed and nodded. “ I don’t know what he would want me to do.”_

_“Look into Greyback’s mind and know what he’s thinking.” Sirius whispered heating up the water._

_“What do you want me to do?” Remus finally asked._

_“Does it matter?” Sirius finally turned to look at Remus sitting at the table. “ You’ll do what he says anyway or what is right.”_

_“Don’t patronize me.” Remus said, irked._

_“So?” Sirius threw up his hands in the air. “ You want to know what I want to do? I want to run away with you and James and Lily and Peter to a different continent. I want to hid away with you at the edge of the world if possible so that you, Remus, you don’t get killed. What I want is to be able to live a day without looking over my shoulder for death eaters and sleep a night without having nightmares of you being killed by him.” Sirius shouted. “ So tell me Remus, can you or anyone give me that?”_

_Remus’s look softened, his eyes slightly glazed. “ Why didn’t you tell me you were having nightmares? How did I not know?”_

_“You’ve been awfully tired the past couple of months. I didn’t know why till you told me about the lessons from Dumbledore. It is very tiring, I’ve heard.” Sirius choked. “ You can’t…”_

_Remus padded up to Sirius and pulled him into himself. In between his sobs, Sirius could smell Remus’s overwhelming scent all around him and Remus pulled him closer every time he shuddered._

_“It’s okay..” Remus whispered. “ Nothing will happen to me. I promise. I will always come back to you.”_

_Sirius prayed to the Universe that it might be true but doubted how long the universe would keep them safe._

_In the afternoon they both left for Auror training and later Sirius, paired with Benjy, was given the job of going around certain tube station which were known Death Eater haunts. Their shift should end well before nine and he hoped he’d be able to get away to meet Regulus._

_Their patrols were uneventful and Sirius, with everything going on, got irritated at how Benjy tried to come up with small talks but he held his patience. They were, after all, working towards the same goal not to mention each one was responsible for everyone’s’ safety. He answered in monosyllables and eventually Benjy got the hint and kept quiet. They reported back to the head-quarters and Sirius politely declined Benjy’s offer to grab a beer at a local pub before apparating to Hogsmeade. It was quarter to nine._

_“Is he here?” Sirius asked Alberforth and wondered how this man managed to keep his pub closed whenever he and Regulus scheduled a meeting._

_“Not yet.” Alberforth put out a glass in front of him and poured Sirius a drink. “You look like you need it.”_

_Sirius wondered how he looked. When was the last time he’d looked at himself properly in the mirror? “I never give you anything for the drinks..”_

_“Nah..” Alberforth dismissed it with a wave of his hand. “Business been down during the evenings though. Who would want to go out drinking with such threat looming over their heads. Only in the afternoon a few old wizards come-they don’t want to have anything to do with the war.”_

_Sirius nodded and took a sip of the whiskey. It was too strong and he coughed. “What is this?”_

_Alberforth winked. “ Strong enough to keep you going through whatever you are dealing with.”_

_Sirius smiled wearily._

_“Mind pouring me one?” Regulus whispered from the back making Sirius jump out of his skin. “ Jesus! How are you so silent-sneaking up like that?”_

_“Doesn’t Moody teach you ‘Constant Vigilance’?” Regulus said calmly. “Just because you’re here doesn’t mean you’re safe. There’s more danger here.”_

_Sirius sighed. He just wanted to get some sleep so that he could begin processing everything._

_As Alberforth left the two of them alone, Sirius finally asked the questions burning inside him. “What the hell happened?” Sirius asked._

_“What do you mean?” Regulus look genuinely surprised._

_“Voldemort attacked James and Lily and the Longbottoms’…” Sirius said. “You didn’t know?”_

_“No! No!!” Regulus said, “You think I wouldn’t have warned you?”_

_“Would you?” Sirius shot back. “It would jeopardize your position.”_                       

_“I would’ve given you a hint at least. I’m not that ruthless.” Regulus said calmly. “You still doubt me, don’t you?”_

_“Not without cause.” Sirius said. “Someone is feeding your lunatic lord information from our side.”_

_“I don’t even have any information. I don’t even know where you live.” Regulus said as he gulped down the contents of his glass in one go. “Neither do I want to. The Dark Lord is a great mind reader. It takes all of my strength to keep him out of mine.”_

_“He’ll kill you if he gets to know.”_

_“And then he’ll come after you and every one you love.” Regulus said matter of factly. “Why were they attacked?”_

_“I don’t know.” Sirius lied and by the way Regulus looked at him, he knew Sirius was lying but didn’t press the matter.”_

_“Look! The Dark Lord doesn’t not keep everyone informed about individual jobs. He meets separate groups of people separately and the upper level of his followers only know about the people assigned under them and no one else. I have barely meet ten members myself. So, no. I don’t know anything about the attacks or about your spy. And I am not going to let innocent people die just to protect myself.” Regulus said. “Anything else?”_

_“I..Reg..I don’t know..I was just wondering if James and Lily would be safe at Number 12…” Sirius hesitated. This was too much to ask for but James and Lily were in danger.._

_“What about mum?” Regulus asked._

_“I…”_

_“You want to hoodwink her and…” Regulus laughed cynically. “You always did love them more than us..”_

_“Reg, come on, I..” Sirius didn’t know what to say. “Voldemort will kill them.”_

_“There are other charms to protect them.” Regulus said. “You disgust me at times. You love them so much you’re ready to put me and mother at risk..”_

_“You don’t stay there anymore.” Sirius said._

_“But it’s our house and they might come looking for me if something goes wrong.” Regulus said. “Do you think about all these? You’re just impulsive as always.”_

_“Reg…” but he was out before Sirius could say something. He hadn’t thought the conversation would go south this fast but then he should’ve expected it. They’d just paired up to bring Voldemort down. It didn’t mean Regulus cared for their side. Sirius was about to leave too but on a hunch he asked, “Mr. Dumbledore?” He was nowhere to be seen._

_“Yes?” He came down the stairs to the bar._

_“What happened when Professor Dumbledore came to interview a candidate for Divination?” Sirius asked._

_“I’m not supposed to tell you.” Alberforth said. “ My brother forbade me but I guess it’s another of those things he keeps secret to protect and further the greater cause.”_

_“Mr. Dumbledore, please.” Sirius pleaded. “ My friends’ lives depend on it.”_

_Alberforth sighed. “You didn’t hear it from me.”_

_“I didn’t.”_

_“He was interviewing this rather woolly looking woman. From the looks of her, she was a little loose on the head. My brother had asked me to keep watch outside the room but a commotion created by a customer had me distracted for a minute. When I went back up, I saw a hooded figure listening keenly. Immediately I grabbed him and threw him out but he jinxed me and escaped. The harm was already done…” Alberforth sighed._

_“Who was it? The hooded figure?” Sirius asked._

_“One of your class mates from school. Snape, I think it was his name.” Alberforth said._

_Sirius saw red, the moment the name was out of his mouth. The rest of his conversation with Alberforth was a haze and even before he knew he was back at his home, without taking any of his detours, rage threatening to burst out of him. He was vaguely aware of Remus holding him down but he wanted to smash and break everything around him. It was only when he was shoved against the wall by Remus and he hit his head, did the roaring of blood against his ears died down to let him hear Remus properly._

_“What the hell is wrong with you?” Remus shouted._

_“It was that fucking git. It was Snape.” Sirius fought him._

_“Calm down” Remus asked pinning him up firmly._

_“I’m gonna fucking kill him.” Sirius shouted._

_“No you’re not.” Remus grinded his teeth and hissed. “Or did you forget what happened the last time you went after him.”_

_Sirius froze at Remus’s words as the chill of horror went down his spine, something he hadn’t felt in a few years. Remus’s hold on him loosened, presumably at the lack of Sirius’s movement. He couldn’t hear Remus, only his rotten heart beating in his ears and his vision narrowed in on Remus._

_He shouldn’t have done it-he wouldn’t have but Snivellus had been nagging Remus for over six months now and every full moon he used to humiliate and make Remus uncomfortable at the Great Hall and in classes. He’d seen Remus curling up into himself, shutting the world out, not letting Sirius even touch him. He’d heard Remus cry himself to sleep and wake up with nightmares over and over from the confines of his bed because Remus had pushed and shoved him and had not let Sirius come near him. His grades had been slipping and even though he, James and Peter had told Slughorn and McGonagall to do something about it, there’d been no change in Snape’s behavior._

_“Sirius.” He’s snapped back into the present. Remus was hunched over him, holding him by the shoulders. “Sirius?”_

_“Yeah.” He croaked._

_“Breath.” Remus took a deep breath himself urging him to do the same._

_He breathed deeply a few times but that did nothing to quench the rising panic in his throat or the anger in his brain._

_“Tell me what happened.” Remus pulled up a chair close to him and sat._

_“The person who heard the prophecy and told Voldemort- It was Snape.” Sirius asked._

_“How do you know?” Remus looked extraordinarily unsurprised._

_“I just do.” Sirius said softly._

_“You just do?” Remus repeated after him, thoughtful. “Couldn’t have just dawned on you.” Remus voice struck Sirius. Was he being cynical?_

_“After my shift, I went to the Hog’s Head just out of curiosity, hoping someone or even Alberforth might’ve known something. And he told me. It was Snape.” Sirius said, hoping he’d sounded convincing enough. He’d expected Remus to be surprised. He knew Remus wouldn’t react like he did but Remus barely even blinked or questioned it. The focus seemed more to be on how he knew rather that what he knew-like it was common knowledge for Remus..unless.. unless it was.. “But you already knew.” Sirius said so calmly that he surprised himself. It felt insanely wrong that Remus knew this and he didn’t._

_“Dumbledore told me.” Remus looked away._

_“And you didn’t tell me?” Sirius whispered._

_“He told me not to. After all that happened in fifth year can you blame me for listening to him?” Remus pushed the chair back and started pacing. “You just said, you’d kill him. I knew this would be your reaction and so even I decided not to tell you.”_

“ _Right.” Sirius looked down at his hands and nodded. “Who else knows?”_

_“Lily does. She’ll tell James when the time’s right.” Remus said softly. “He’ll react exactly the way you did.”_

_“And he’d be wrong?” Sirius hissed, angry now at how they could do this! “Lily is his wife, Remus. They’re under attack because of a fucking prophecy that the creep heard only half of and then went and told Voldemort. They could’ve died and you’re worried about how James and I will react? He’ll kill Snape for her or anyone who stands to hurt her. I would too for them and for you. I would die fo…”_

_“That is exactly the fucking problem.” Remus turned towards him and shot back. Sirius hadn’t noticed he’d also started pacing along with Remus. “You and James think that Lily and I are something both of you need to protect, need to die for. We can take care of ourselves. For fuck’s sake, all we want is you to live with us and fight with us, not for us. Most of my energy is expended in thinking what you will do and how you’ll react to an information. Will you get yourself killed or will you at least set aside your steamroller, gigantic emotions aside and just sit, listen, think and then react? It’s fucking tiring.”_

_As usual, he was the center of the fucking problem. The entire topic of discussion had shifted and Remus had started asking questions that were difficult for him to answer. “Alright.” He said finally. “I’ll do whatever you want. You don’t have to worry about me.”_

_“Sirius I..” Remus started but Sirius had already walked into their bedroom to take a shower. It’d been a long fucking day and he just wanted to go off to sleep. Otherwise he might really go on a killing spree and kill Snape._

_Sirius stood under the cold water thinking-he didn’t exactly want to focus on anything but muddled, jumbled broken pieces of memory, random conversations crept up in his brain after nasty arguments with Remus. All his self-loathing and abandonment issues resulting from years of humiliation in a toxic household seeped into his bloodstream from the memories in his brain. It started out as a dull aching pain at the base of his spine, that spread to his lungs and heart, chocking him, making him retch and gag because there wasn’t just enough air. It tingled and numbed his fingers and toes. He could physically feel the silence and separation he’d felt after the incident in fifth year-how James and Peter wouldn’t even look at him and Remus, Merlin Remus!!! He’d been so attuned to Remus’s presence, his touch, his smell that he’d never considered how it would feel to not have Remus around him. It felt like a limb had been amputated, his heart wrenched out, a lung and kidney missing. Half of him had been lost and all due to his own mistake. All of it was his fault. Remus had been almost made out to be a murderer because of him, a life had almost been lost because of him and James could’ve been killed. It was all his fault. All his fault. His mother’s voice whispered and shouted in his brain-how incompetent he was since he’d been born. Like his mother had said, maybe it would’ve been best if he’d never been born at all. Everyone would’ve been better off. His mother would’ve never been disappointed, Remus would’ve been better off without worrying about him. He didn’t want to be a burden…_

_A knock on the bathroom door broke his trance._

_“You okay in there?” Remus asked from behind the door._

_“Yes.” Sirius managed weakly. He was shivering and didn’t want Remus to know._

_“You’ve been in there forever. You’ll get a cold.” Remus just said. There was silence and then a weak- “I’m sorry. Just come out, okay?”_

_Sirius closed off the tap and wrapped a towel around his hips and opened the door slightly. “I’m fine. Be out in a bit.”_

_Remus bit his lower lip uncertainly and nodded. Sirius put on his pajamas and came out, water dripping down the lock on his back and shoulders. He sat on the edge of the bed opposite to Remus and lit up a cigarette. He heard Remus go and come out of the washroom before the bed dipped behind him and Remus started drying his hair out._

_“I love you.” He whispered. “I just want to keep you safe. I want you to let me do that. It’s nothing you’ve not done for me a thousand time already.”_

_Sirius wanted to tell him that he’d never lied to him but had to bite back his words. He’d been lying to Remus for a while now. All to keep him safe. He sighed. Everything came back full circle, he guessed._

_“I love you.” Remus repeated. “Unconditionally and irrevocably.” He bunched away Sirius’s locks to one side and kissed his back, and despite himself, Sirius couldn’t help the moan that escaped him. Remus’s chapped lips and stubble- from not shaving for four days- on his bare skin gave him goosebumps and he hung his head down but it felt heavy._

_“I’m too tired.” He mumbled and stubbed out the half smoked cigarette._

_“Come here then.” Remus pulled him up on the bed and as Sirius curled into a fetal position, Remus pulled him in close. “I love you, so much.”_

_Remus fell asleep instantly, his breath on Sirius’s shoulders-steady, his hand lying on Sirius’s chest and Sirius would’ve laughed at how Remus always fell asleep first but could feel the echo of his heart beating, quivering under Remus’s palm- in love but mostly in fear._

_***_

_“You have to tell me what happened last night.” Sirius said as he nibbled on a piece of toast._

_Remus stood at the window with a cup of tea, looking outside into a morning blue fog._

_“Just give me break, will you?” Remus says silently but it’s enough to surprise Sirius._

_“Pardon me?” Sirius drops the toast on the plate._

_“I just want a little bit of silence.” Remus replied._

_As if enough of that hadn’t already been going around. They barely saw each other anymore and lately Remus had been so silent that it ate Sirius up. The full moon was ten days away and a part of Sirius knew what Remus was going to say when he decides to speak but he was worried and scared out of his mind that Remus might not tell him before leaving._

_“I know what you’re gonna say. I just need to hear it?” Sirius whispered._

_“Because nothing other than what you want matters!” Remus said exasperated and finally turned to look up at Sirius._

_“Remus you came back last night, heaving your guts out, then you tell me you’ve been at the headquarters and you apparated in-I know what it is, I just need to know if you’ll take it.” Sirius said finally, irritated at how Remus was behaving._

_“Of course, I’m gonna bloody take it. I’ve been training for it for months. And I don’t need you to throw another tantrum about that.” Remus walked over and dumped his cold tea in the sink, brushing past Sirius. “I give you your space, just give me mine.”_

_“What is it? What have I done?” Sirius asked. This was about something more._

_“You think I’m a fool? You disappear- you tell me you’re going for a walk and sometimes come back after two hours. Did I ever ask you why?” Remus sounded bitter._

_“Remus there’s nothing I’m hiding here..If that’s what you’re implying.” Sirius felt physically sick about lying like this. But with the information he knew, he couldn’t risk telling Remus anything._

_“I don’t know Sirius. Maybe you meet someone..”_

_“What..you think I’m cheating on you?”_

_“You said it.” Remus picked up his bag from where he had left it on the couch last night. “Maybe you go on an occasional rendezvous with Marlen. Merlin knows she’s been after you since fifth year.”_

_“Marlen? Where is this coming from? Do not walk out on me.” Sirius screamed as Remus unlocked the door to leave._

_“Try and stop me.” Remus shouted as Sirius heard him disapparate with a pop._

_He needed a moment to compose himself. He’d thought Remus might confront him with a lot of things but not about this. Remus was thinking that he was cheating on him? Where did that even come from? He hadn’t meet Marlen properly in month. Why would Remus even think he would be cheating on him with Marlen?_

_He sat down with a cup of coffee and tried to compose himself. He realized he had to come in terms with certain facts. They were in a war. Their training and all the late night and early morning patrols were building them up for much sterner things. He would eventually have to fight and he might have to face Regulus and attack him._

_Remus would have to go back to Greyback and this wouldn’t be the last time either. Dumbledore wasn’t teaching him Legilimency for nothing. The Headmaster would use Remus as tool to gather information and there was nothing he could do to stop it. He would have to keep Remus locked up but Remus would literally kill him for doing so._

_Sirius wished he could talk to James at times like these but James and Lily were living somewhere off the grid and under false identities. It’s been like that for a couple of weeks now.. He only left the house for training. He flooed directly to the Headquarters and from there he went to the Ministry and followed the opposite route back home. Lily had to leave her training to become a healer after the first month because of safety reasons and according to James her health had been deteriorating too in spite of all the potions the Healers had given her and being cooped up in the house all day further her depression. James had been worried sick and Sirius had no heart to tell him all that had been going on in his life. The long empty day ahead of him depressed Sirius. He would have to leave for the ministry training and patrol late in the afternoon. He hadn’t heard from Regulus in a while. How would he? Last time he’d left without deciding the date for the next meeting. Sirius had still visited Alberforth for the past two weeks on Thursdays but Regulus had been a no show. Day by day his panic grew but he knew how dangerous it would be to contact Regulus so he swallowed every doubt and fear and went about his daily job. That was until yesterday night when he’d woken up to Remus vomiting in the washroom. The moment Remus specifically said that he’d been at the Headquarters, Sirius knew he would have to go back to Greyback’s camp. Since then he found himself worried sick about all his friends and missing them awfully. Hiding what he knew about Snape from James seemed like an awful violation of trust but he knew James would be just as enraged as him and it might not be good for anyone. He, for now, would just have to rely on Lily to do the right thing._

_He came back home after patrol to find Remus nursing a cup of tea in the dead middle of the night, a small duffel bag laying by his side. The room was scarcely lit with only a candle at the corner of the table but even then Sirius could see Remus’s face set in stone. If Sirius didn’t look hard enough, he couldn’t have said if Remus was breathing. He was clad in only his pajama, his eyes distant and unblinking like he’d passed beyond the world. The tea had gone cold long ago._

_The bag? Was Remus going to leave? Was this about what he’d said about Marlen earlier? But it wasn’t true. Surely Remus must know that he’s incapable of loving anyone but Remus. He must know that. How can he not.... “Remus?” Sirius could barely speak against the growing lump in his throat._

_Remus turned his head only slightly towards Sirius._

_“What are you..?” Sirius was rooted to his spot. He couldn’t move, speak or even put his chaotic thoughts into words._

_“I didn’t..anything..with Marlen..There was..nothing.” The mere thought the Remus would leave him for that-something he hadn’t even imagined in his most insane dreams, something that wasn’t even true-unhinged him-made him a madman. He couldn’t be sane without Remus._

_Remus looked at him finally and pulled together his brows in thought. Something shifted inside him and his eyes focused on Sirius. “I believe you.”_

_Sirius had to grab the chair in front if him to stop himself from falling face down on the floor. There were stars dancing in the field of his vision. He sat down on the chair and put his head down, his forehead touching the cold wood._

_He heard Remus push his cup towards him and though he disliked tea, he took a gulp to satiate his dry throat. Immediately he sputtered it back in the cup splashing it all over the table. “What the fuck?” He pushed the cup aside forcefully. What he’d thought was tea was actually Vodka. “What the hell is wrong with you?”_

_Remus didn’t say anything in reply and chose to maintain the same distant look that Sirius had come to hate._

_“You know what?” Sirius said pushing back his chair and getting up. “I’m done with this. I’m done guessing what is wrong. You out of the blue accuse me of something bizarre and now..this..” He waved his hand frantically at Remus. “ This..this distance..I don’t know what to do or not too…just I’m done. Talk to me when you want to. I’m done guessing.” Sirius stalked off to their bedroom. As his adrenaline wore off he drank water and sat down to just clear his mind and think straight though thinking nothing was the most tempting option._

_He must’ve dozed off because when he woke up the candle had burnt down and Remus wasn’t in bed-no surprizes there. He lit up another candle and padded out of the room to find Remus sitting by the widow, smoking._

_“Sorry.” Remus whispered as Sirius navigated over to him in the dark. “I was being a jerk.”_

_“It’s alright.” Sirius said. He, as always, was about to beg Remus to talk to him about what was on his mind but Remus beat him to it._

_“Dumbledore wants me to go back.” He whispered again._

_Sirius nodded and looked at him. The slice of moon at their window washed everything with its light. Remus looked softer, saner in that light. Sirius had long believed that no matter how much Remus hated the moon for how he was connected to it, on days when it wasn’t full, it formed an essential part of Remus. It softened him in ways Sirius couldn’t quite explain but only feel. He looked younger-the soft shimmering silver glow smoothened out his frown lines, his amber hair almost white. Sirius fell in love over and over again with Remus in small moments like these but sometimes he almost wished he didn’t. That love threatened to consume and choke him because the thought of loosing Remus was too overwhelming. He really considered locking Remus up for a fraction of a second but then Remus spoke._

_“I don’t wanna go.” He said softly, almost to himself. “But honestly something very primal in me knows he’s my creator. I didn’t know him before but now that I do-there’s this long dormant part of me that wants to go back. I resisted last time but if I do give in to this wolf in me, I can’t help but wonder, maybe I’ll be with my kind and won’t have to fear this side of me anymore.”_

_Sirius understood the sentiment. Remus wanted to belong. He couldn’t deny that even though they’d all turned animangi for him, they would never fully understand the pain-the physical and psychological changes he went through. Their transformations were painless and they kept their mind but Remus lost his mind completely when he turned. “Is it easy for them?”_

_Remus looked up at him with relief and gratitude. Maybe he’d expected a different reaction to his confession. “I think so.”_

_“Will you come back to me after?” Sirius didn’t know where this came from. Maybe it was the moon speckled night-he couldn’t remember the last time they’d been this honest with each other or maybe it was the possibility that Remus would be less in pain from something he couldn’t control and Sirius couldn’t help beyond a point- but Sirius didn’t get embarrassed at his own question._

_Remus’s brow creased as he parted his lips to say something but then decided against it. Sirius feared he would freak out at the question or worse, maybe he’d say nothing or maybe he would say that he’d packed the bag because he didn’t plan on returning. Instead Remus got up and stood before him, cupping his face. Sirius melted in the warmth of Remus’s arms. Slowly Remus pulled him close and kissed him long and deep. Sirius hadn’t felt such love and tenderness in months. His moved him limp arms up to Remus’s hips and pulled him close- savoring how real and how connected he felt to Remus in that moment. When they broke off, desperate for air, their foreheads touching, Remus whispered, “ You are my home. I will always come back to you.”_

**Author's Note:**

> To Love.  
> And how it gets so easily lost.


End file.
